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Carbon
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Let's do the hoe down with everyone's partner's dancing opposite of you in every step. You step close and she steps away. You side step and she is glides away. You scramble on the ice. She is sitting on the snowbank unlacing her skates. You fall on your ass. She is smiling at someone else and climbing the slope between falling, to meet him.
Sometimes reaching the shore is now, no longer visible. The slippery ice has turned to the slush that lets wave after wave that will keep washing me further and infinitely further away from shore. Most of the time, I am comfortable in this state of haze and numbness. Let me float back into something that won't resemble anything. That blankness/greyness/nether/nexus/zero point. Whatever it is. Still haunts me. Being tortured by something outside of my control but I seem to want the torture A lot of the time I feel self hatred that I did not try to do something to stop it. I failed at everything in life.
I did not have social circles, friends that always wanted to talk with me.
I think I ignored everything to the exclusion of my own pain.
I have heart murmurs now. Too much self indulgence and bad habits. I really try to get to sleep and thank all the gods that it helps, but fucking hell it gives me headaches in the morning. Right in the right temple for some reason, at odd times it will make me grab my head and be immobile or more than a minute.
Impending aneurysm? sp? Free doctors opinions?
Getting tired again. But it is just my own F.U. head.
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