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flowerock
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I feel removed from the flow of life. I feel that I replace being present and involved with escaping through food, the internet, vaporized_flowers, music, coffee, sleep, walks... all of these can be good things too, and it's always that I am "using" them as an escape route... but I think I am uncomfortable in reality, I forgot how to be here, how to socialize, how to navigate without a phone, how to say no to my cravings, how to get up and get out... I can't FOCUS. Something makes my mind skip around... sunset at the beach setting the world in fire and I can't keep an eye steady on it... the waves crashing in a soothing symphony and I can't quiet my mind to listen... I forget to breathe, I feel bored, I need to check my email or my phone... I need to.make sure everything is orderly and ready for tomorrow, but not too deeply because there so much to do that I just can't even begin to dig into because my mind won't connect Ll the dots to put effective actions together ti even begin... I panic when I settle into myself, I feel.me and I feel.my body... I imagine not having a body, I imagine the process of leaving it and I nearly.passout from fear and dread of that day. I act like a cat to my lover sometimes, removed and distant even irritated but then when he leaves or I'm alone I miss him and it's all I can feel... missing... and I panic then, what if one of dies? I don't want to die alone or away from.him... I tried to imagine my world without him living in it today and it was inconceivable, what would I do? I'd feel like a balloon floating away out of control until I burst and am no longer a thing. No anchor, no other...
So I need to wake up, I need to reconnect, I need to rediscover the world and feel the flow.
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151204
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