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what's_really_wrong
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front door parcel
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you wanted the truth.
here_it_is.
I'm sick of living, that's all there is to it... i've stopped doing everything unnecessart.. eating, sleeping, working...
I'm so pathetic...
i know. i know.
You're probably thinking that i'm not. Probably thinking of 1,001 good things about me. But what are those good things? All i know about myself are things i hate. i can't find the things i like anymore. I can't find any meaning anywhere. it's all hollow and empty and there's just me and a big black space that's going to devour me whole one day. it's like something ate my soul and left me empty.
I remember, when i used to have friends.. in real life... and i wish i could go back to that time. When i was happy.
before i became one of those sad people who lingers up until 2 am on the computer just to be able to talk to someone, anyone.
It's be so long since i've been happy... i don't know if trying to be happy is worth aiming for anymore. i wish i could curl back up like and infant in my mother's stomach and never ever be born.
I don't want anyone to know that i'm like this...
i don't want all of you to know that i just want to give up, because there are so many of you who are so upset- who have it really bad- and i already have so much, i don't really have any reason to complain.
if I give up now... what happens to everyone else? I have so many other people to live for...
but even now they are seeming pointless.
i'm so scared.
of myself.
of the future.
of being alone like this emptiness for the rest of my life.
of not being with you..."
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060907
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Death of a Rose
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I was going to type something blithelike and sarcastic, but this particular blathe struck a cord with the ole brainpan.
I live this day to day. And today.
I know that the point I wish to make is to "keep going", you never know what's around that corner. Good or bad. It seems pointless to actually reach the stage where you could care less about the corner, and even less what's around it.
Well, for what's it's worth, I'm still hanging on. Sometimes by a hair splitting fingernail, and maybe it's just spite that causes this continuance. But thanks to emotions I do have good days that make this little world of pain seem as though it could break one day.
So, in all these words of wisdom I have given you (ha!), hang around for awhile. I give you no promises that this toilet bowl of a world will actually flush, but I can gaurantee one thing;
You will be surprised at what can happen if you stay to watch.
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060907
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falling_alone
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what do you hate about yourself
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060908
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#49
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Not much to like.
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201225
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unhinged
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i'm an emotional sponge
my dad has stopped eating
my mother is understandably worried
(this daughter worries double because i love both of them; should i tell my siblings? they probably don't know. i have become the elder caretaker child because i don't have any of my own children. i have spend more time with my parents in the past few years because i have the least obligations to other life, lives. )
i should confront my father
his germanic catholic pigheadedness
legendary
i should tell my siblings
chances are my mother hasn't told anyone else
years ago i sat at her dinging room table
after i had only found out about my uncle's cancer cause he was in remission
with the excuse that she didn't want to worry me
'i want to know when people are sick'
a rare moment of eye_contact
a raised voice
she has been telling me ever_since
when people are sick
but i feel like no one else knows
my dad is sick
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201226
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unhinged
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(he had leukemia and lymphoma probably acquired on his job which he refused chemo for and died less than a month later
play nice
they_tell_me
be kind
they_tell_me
i don't understand why
you're acting like this
they_tell_me)
the wrathful_deities know the score
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220729
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