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srealisma
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let us call these arguments because i wouldn't 100% expect them to resolve in a whoosh of the keypad but i'm not sure they need heroes either.
i also don't expect this to be meaningful or overblown and saintlike in some way. if i did i would do it on a Jupiter day, not a mercury day. these are each rabbit holes if you want them to be and also by fact and fiction and window staring, but since when do rabbit holes have a good reputation, ok.
it's a message and i need specific people to know what i'm saying but i can't force the message through, and facebook can't handle it either because it thinks it might want to keep "copacetic" about the all the things that we humans have to deal with. and that's a way to set up a rumour mill and a lot of wishful lies.
not that i think we've got a particularly truthful thing happening here, just a discussion.
here they are in chronological order for me. i'm trying not to come up with excuses, explanations, self-forgiveness, or specific blames- just the facts of wishing the course of life would have been otherwise.
1.my speech at high school graduation.
i was second in my class of 68 and there were two reasons i wasn't first. one is i got a C one semester in gym class, one quarter was an A and one was a D, we spent that whole quarter sitting on the gym floor talking and not playing basketball. we all got D's as far as i know. the second was that i was in band and chorus in high school and that didn't get weighting as high in the gpa as accounting did which is what the number one student took, so his gpa was higher. anyway i was a little miffed about this because now i had to give a second place speech, somehow.
i was off to the big wide world where life was going to be more challenging.
the speech was about finding people who are better than you and competing with them instead of kicking weaker types butt and feeling good about yourself that way. you should learn how to lose a little then you would know what you're worth.
i gave the speech to the whole school and community, and the facts are that some people are so sick of losing that life is being really oppressive to them and beating them into the ground. that speech would not make sense to them and make me seem to be a jerk and them no hope of ever showing what they were worth because losing isn't supposed to be on their agenda.
i burned the speech notes in a fire and i personally don't have video or audio as far as i know.nobody seems to care about it, particularly, but i got to thinking it was wrong and might have upset people i wouldn't want to cross, in reality.
2. san felipe
one time i took LSD in a strange set up and i started having either typical or atypical odd pineal gland insights, became alarmed, concerned for my safety, and went into a very alarmed state. physical violence was involved. i could have died. i felt like i was, there was a balcony that provided that route which i was terrified of. maybe i did die! others could have died. i could have gone to the hospital or jail. others could have gone to the hospital or jail. i am very very very sorry that it came to something physical and i don't care why or how or what purpose it was serving or ended up serving or how anybody wants to explain it. i'm not sorry that my pineal gland is permanently turned on after it all. i'm sorry my friends were hurt in physical and also emotional ways and feel those are bound together. the whole purpose of writing at this website could be to sort myself out enough to say this. some wrong that ties me to the past. maybe i'm in the afterlife after this incident (or others i can recall, before and after) and i'm trying to find some way to communicate about something i saw and the danger. i don't care about echoes or anything. i care that i hit people and screamed a lot and created this incident that, while mysterious, also confuses and hurts.
if the LSD was particularly bad LSD is water under the bridge, apparently this is not something i needed to be doing. and i won't again, and i did in small amounts afterwards to try to self-gauge what was going with my mental health, but not to have another similar experience. at one point i had a pot brownie and got into some george w bush saddam hussein zone and decided drugs in all forms were completely done. i might experiment with CBD oil and theanine but i'm not too interested in pushing it with anything else.
3. dogging my Ph D
this is enormous, but i should have been able to make good on an incredibly good education.
4. medical community, diagnosis, and disability insurance
i will be accused of not accepting help and ableism, but this move into psychiatry to help resolve my situation has removed my ability to navigate finding a boyfriend (i haven't even gotten as far as that, let alone keeping one), getting married reasonably, and having children. that it is not a help but a harm, although my brain might now be in a better place than it was two decades ago, but only because i stopped taking the medication (that might have cured me, actually) and now i've got to convince all these doctors that it isn't issue and that it's all in our imaginations, despite being an issue in the past. i think it's all very stupid, actually, and i wish i never accepted their help and found a different path instead. it's also unethical and sometimes i feel like i might go to jail for it.
finally i want to make a subapology that draws on all four of these apologies, but it doesn't get main status because it most definitely rabbithole material. when i was a freshman in high school, i liked a guy older than me but was really nervous about letting him know. my sophomore year he was in chorus with me, sat behind me, sang in my ear for a school year or a semester i don't remember. i never turned around to talk to him -- too many nerves, but also some apathy had set in -- and this is actually kind of offensive to everything. i should have talked to him. there was no tremendous reason not to, except that the air was too fucking thin in whenever it was, i guess, in 1991 with a massive quandary in the air, it seemed. he was too talented for me, and i realized that, so. i gave up on him, and moved on, but he was actually right there and i did have every opportunity to make it happen.
that's it
all the rest is turtles i guess.
and there might be others still cooking and trying to come up for air one of these days.
there are more considered, nuanced, and interesting versions of any of these, but you'd have to come and see me some time, try the contact i'm providing ( account doesn't follow the prescribed pattern, but that one was unavailable, i went with the first one available, and the only other thing happening there is some astrology schooling). you could also follow me on twitter, it's locked but i'd let literally anybody onto it.i'm also on the perfect world that is tumblr, that is, until you try to search for something a little "off".
thanks for all the love, real, imagined, absent, on the back burner, transmitted with hiccups and inconsistency, and also no thanks for the hate because it seems this kind of communication is happening really awkwardly, unfairly, and with too much misunderstanding.
thanks for the words they are usually interesting if not now then later. : )
p.s. don't let catholic style guilt produce enormous solutions to small problems, that can only cause you pain, suffering, and depression, according to what i can see of what happens.
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