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dafremen
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I want to start this letter out by saying that I don't believe either of your are bad people.
I would like very much for our issues to be behind us, because frankly, I can't stand drama. I've weathered too much of it in my almost 50 years.
I know that you are loyal, strong-willed..good people at heart. The way you comfort each other is a beautiful thing which I find very admirable.
Though we will probably never see eye to eye on what is right or wrong about the way our history has unfolded, I really don't need that and I don't think either of you do.
Since the day this started, you've always seemed to feel like this was a struggle for control. And that's one of the things I began to resent after awhile.
This has NEVER been a struggle for control with me. From my point of view, this has been a struggle over your mother getting the respect and assistance she is due..from EVERYONE she is good to. It has been about people maturing to the point where they see the neglect they are giving in return for the needs they are constantly having provided..by a VERY generous and wonderful person. This is not about me. It's about someone who doesn't like to disappoint people and who finds it hard to let people know when she is disappointed. This is about your mother.
In a way, that ALSO makes it about society..and your LARGER life..long after all of us older folk are dead and gone. It makes it about whether we nurture people who would take advantage of a person's good nature because it's possible..or whether we point the behavior out to them and hope they'll see the corrosive nature of it and want to change it. People are basically good at heart. YOU are basically good at heart. How do you see yourself treating people who are good to you? And does your mother fit into that equation when it isn't convenient?
This entire matter started because you exhibited (from my perspective), again and again, a
very strong sense of entitlement. As if someone owed it to you to do everything for you and
give everything to you. Whether you saw that or not, it's precisely why I imagined you felt it was appropriate to smile and talk all nicey-nice to your mother when you wanted something and give her the cold shoulder when she didn't give you what you wanted. MEanwhile, I saw her working herself to death and still being stressed out by children who were doing the emotional and intellectual equivalent of falling on the floor and throwing tantrums.
You were each provided with one chore 3 years ago as a way of providing you with an opportunity to:
a) begin to mature in the way you view responsibility by providing you with a VERY small share of the load around the house.
b) prove the words "I love you" which constantly come out of your mouths by backing them up with action. (Your mother was literally stressed to the point of break down when all of this began. Because everyone wanted something from her. And she didn't have enough hours in the day to keep herself from feeling bad about not having enough time for everyone's needs.) She needed an I LOVE YOU that had SUBSTANCE. Not just some chattering teeth habitually mouthing the words but doing NOTHING to ease her burden.
c) be a part of a team effort. This household is like a ship with many things that need doing. Your mother cannot be the only sailor on board. And me? I've got her back, and the back of anyone that has her back. That's the only way I operate..as a team..mutual respect..concern. Honesty, trust..etc. I'm not concerned with who's to blame. Just what needs to change. Teams don't get better by blaming people. Teams get better by addressing the need for change and by team members who give a sh-- about the team enough to change.
You both ignored your mother's and my reasonable requests for a LONG time, then both you and I went sour fast on points b and c. Point a is apparently at your own pace..and whatever. But just yippity yapping I love you and asking the rest of the people here to drag you along when you don't care enough to pitch in yourself? THat's a bit much to ask of anybody.
In case neither of you have noticed, Brody and I don't have a terrible relationship. There's a reason for that: he quickly gave up the idea of stubbornly playing the "who will get their way" game and listened to what I was saying about respecting his mother and reducing her stress by doing his part. And he was 9 when he figured this out. WTF? I wouldn't be disappointed if I thought you two were mentally challenged. But you're not..so again WTF? You weren't raised by petty, lying people..and I've seen your hearts, they are capable of great tenderness and loyalty.
I couldn't imagine how, even if you hate me to the ends of my days, you could ever justify treating your mother like a non-entity because she didn't cave to the old "cold shoulder" technique, or cower beneath your withering "I hate you mom" stare. Just to get your way..you hurt her like that.
What I know is that your poor, generous, open-hearted mother still pleads for you..even as you disregard her most basics requests for fairness and understanding.
Ayla, I don't know anymore if you're actually trying to be righteous...or biding your time. I know you're 18 and life isn't going to wait around much longer.
Ceri, I know what you're doing and it's beneath you..still it's the game YOU (and a lot of 16 year olds) choose. I hope it ends soon. It's always seemed pointless..and I bet you'd realize that if you ever gave yourself a second to think about it. MY job is to never let ANYONE think that behaving the way you're behaving is appropriate. I never will. It is my theory that your heart is stronger than your ego. Your response to this letter will demonstrate the truth of that assumption.
Ladies: Please, stop treating my partner like her needs and feelings don't matter. Stop treating her like a resource and servant. Stop acting like this is a contest about who she loves more. She loves YOU more, but you treat her worse. Treat her better and you'll see that it's true.
Let your actions show you care about her, if not me..that's FINE. Do that and we won't have any problems. That's all I've ever wanted..and I've tried soft..now I'm all armored up because you never listened to the gentle me and you've actually started trying to f--- with me to "show me."
I'm sorry if you were taught that your mother is there to serve you and be used as you see fit. I'm NOT sorry that I'm here to not let that happen. You're too intelligent to think that there is anything right about treating your mother like a slave-mom-taxi-bank. If that's not your intention..again..I'm sorry. Don't punch the mirror. Just look deeply, grab a brush and straighten your heart out already, please. Thanks.
Wish I could say that nicer. It doesn't come out as hopeful as I'd like right now.
daf
P.S. If y'all start being right by her, I'll lose my crust fairly quickly afterward..takes time and trust. Us getting along is up to you..always has been. You get what you give with me.
P.P.S. Thanks for helping your mom with the cooking and by trying to stay on your chores. If it makes her happy..that's what matters. And it makes her happy. Thank you.
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