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I used to be an extremely negative, dark person. I was depressed, hopeless, convinced that life was pointless, and that anything good would be taken away from me. I took this attitude to be part of my personality, and built a “lifestyle” around it. It never occurred to me that this was learned behavior, or a reaction to shitty things that had happened to me. I had a vague idea that there might be something I could do about it, but didn’t see the point.
I thought I was going to live my whole life this way.
Now, much to my relief, I have torn down and rebuilt myself. I reached an impasse where my slow suffocation was creating a lot of pain, not just to myself, but to people very close to me. I also realized that I wasn’t doing anything about it, and was driving people away, and generally just making my life worse. If I was able to give up on life, this would not be a problem. Instead, I knew I had a spark in me, a feeling that I didn't want to be like this. I could just figure out how, I knew there was a beauty in life, and deep deep deep inside, the untainted child, the soaring lover, the family and friend and artist and giver, the tiny light of hope wanted to participate. At the time, I had buried that spark under so much cold and ugly that it could not generate the light and energy I dreamed might be possible. I had a deep desire to live, and to love, which prevented me from extinguishing this spark. Since I could not give up, I needed a way to clear out the obstacles and give myself a real chance.
It took two full years of trying, and a lot of soul searching and faith in myself, and being committed to a new direction, and some medication and some money and some hurt feelings and doing things I didn’t want to do. A year ago I started seeing a new therapist, and somewhere near the beginning she told me “it will get worse before it gets better”. She was right, and even now things still are not really ‘easy’. I get down, discouraged, and hopeless, I fight and grumble and wonder what the fuck it’s all about. The difference is that now I know this is an emotional process, that these are feelings that I can weather. The pain and doubt and frustration are not the nature of my being. It took a courage and energy, but I changed. It was like stirring up slime that had settled in my soul – the act of stirring unsettled pain, fear, anxiety; a myriad of unpleasant feelings. But by stirring, I can see what is rotting and needs to be removed. I kept my goal in mind, didn’t trick myself into quitting, and soldiered through. It has strained myself, my friends, my family, and my sanity. I believe it was worth it, I feel for a fact that things are better. All the dark things – negativity, pessimism, loss – were forced to stand and identify their source and purpose. If they could not justify a need, other than a token placeholder to document historical moments of suffering, they were politely escorted to the door.
Don’t get me wrong; self loathing, anxiety, fear, doom, and despair are still part of me, still threads in the fabric of my life, and will always tint the light that I cast. However, those things are not in charge anymore, I am not tied to them, and I do not believe my fate is crap and crap alone. I've shifted these ideas to a place more reflective than dominating, I find there actually is more to enjoy in life, and the idea that life is something worthwhile in itself is taking shape in the fog, stepping quietly closer to the truth. And I'm glad I made it as far as I have, proud of my scars, and proud of who I am and the shit I’ve over come to get here.
we all have to find our own way, and I cannot and will not preach an attitude or a solution to anyone. What I do want to do is share this experience, and attest to the that fact that it was worth it. If you have even the slightest notion that life is worth living, you should take that spark and give it room to grow. Get help, take medication, confront your demons, quit drugs/people/places that make it worse. Be brave, and do whatever it takes. Again, I can’t speak for anyone except myself, but in my experience it was worth the effort, and I wish I had started the process a long time ago. if you’re going through the same shit, or thinking about it, than take my hindsight as encouragement. you’re doing the right thing.
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