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my_cat_has_three_legs
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DannyH
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To which the most common response is "what happened?"
But have you even stopped to think whether your prurient inquisition is appropriate? Why does something have to have happened? A great many other tripods get to go about their daily business, triangling around, the silent trigonometry of their footsteps eliciting nothing more than blind acceptance. Why harrass my poor moggy with these incessant questions? Clearly my cat, we shall call her Spider for that is the name I use for what's left of her, is unable to answer the question for herself and it would be quite unfair of me to speak on her behalf. Even if she could, in some miraculous way, discover the means to mew some response, it seems unlikely you would be able to offer the correct level of sympathy to her without being patronising. How could you hope to understand what it means to lose 25% of your walking equipment? Are you a quadraped? I somehow doubt it.
So please, when you hear tell of the fact that my cat has three legs, do not take this as an opportunity to indulge your idle curiosity. You should be aware in any case that such tendencies are fatal to cats and I wouldn't want her picking up any dangerous ideas from you. Act like a gentleman. Simply say "How does it smell?" and allow me to respond "Terrible. She has had to wear a large plastic collar for two weeks so she can't wash herself."
Then we may part on good terms.
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070309
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sameolme
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What happened?
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070309
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DannyH
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I see my appeal to gentlemany conduct has fallen on deaf ears once again. I cannot say I am surprised. I however am unable to abandon common courtesy, bound as I am by the code of conduct laid upon all Englishman by Her Majesty Queen Victoria so I will therefore attempt an answer.
Let us look at the possibilities. Fisrtly we must consider the likelihood that she chose, of her own free will, to have the leg removed. Unlikely as this seems, there are a great many humans making a good living appearing in documentaries claiming to suffer from a condition known as body diamorphism or somesuch which results in a desire to become monolimbed. This desire is claimed to be as innate and unshakeable as the transsexual's yen for the equipment of the opposing team. Could this phenomenon be manifesting itself in the feline sphere? It seems unlikely.
Secondly, then, let us consider that the leg was removed at my whim. Is it not plausible that at some point the set of bestialists will overlap with the set of amputee lovers and create a small subset of perverts whose first impulse as soon as they have rescued their new best friend from the cat sanctuary is to rush her down to the vets and pay good money to have her mutilated.
Am I one of these? I hardly think it credible.
Let us assume, therefore that this leg was removed or destroyed by some event beyond the control of either Spider or myself, some violent and bloody confrontation, perhaps? An encounter with a vehicle travelling at high speed with little regard for anything below the level of three feet? The traintrack that runs across the bottom of my garden would seem like a good place to start looking for evidence. Unfortunately the Scene Of Crime Officers were not on the speed with sufficient alacrity to prevent all usable samples being washed away by a rash of early Spring downpours. Indeed, they did not come at all.
In any case, Spider has remained tight lipped on the subject. Very likely she does not wish to betray a confidence whcih might result from her giving a full picture of the events of the evening in question. Might an assignation with the un-neutered ginger tom which had been seen recently prowling around the area have been involved? Such gossip-mongering and idle speculation can only lead to slander and scandal at a time when Spider needs, above all, to be left alone to sleep under the radiator in the spare room.
I hope this is of some help to you.
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070310
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DannyH
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Errata
For "speed" read "scene"
For "wchih" read "which"
all apologies
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070310
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DannyH
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Ah, Spider, she was a good cat, until she wasn't.
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