blather
my_bad_day
endless desire my_bad_hour
my_bad_week
my_bad_month
my_bad_year
my_bad_decade
my_bad_life

cold case.
on sunday nights cold case is on television and a lot of my family likes watching it together. cold case was on in 15 minutes and i needed to take a shower. i felt kind of gross and i wanted to get it over with. she gave me a razor. they never let me take a razor into the bathroom anymore. instead they bought me this big electric won't. but i had been doing well...improving the past few days. so they gave me a razor because i like razors better when it comes to shaving in the shower.

she shouldn't gave given me a razor.

because i stepped in that shower and started shaving. just like normal. just like always. and i dont know how it happened and i don't know why it did. but something snapped in my world for a few minutes. and i couldn't feel the world for a few minutes. and i needed to get it back. the walls were coming in. the colours were blending. and i wasn't sure what to do...

i took that razor and i cut my finger tips. i could feel so much better. i could feel the world so much better. with all this skin...all this skin was keeping me from feeling all the details of the world. ALL THIS DAMN SKIN. so i started cutting at my fingers. rapidly in some mad trance, cut cut cut slice slice slice slit slit slit. over and over. but that wasn't enough. there was skin everywhere. and it had to go. i had to feel. why was it keeping me? why?

so i started on my left arm. it's easiest, being that im left handed. and i began to shave the skin off. quickly quickly. i was hacking at it. cut cut cut. my skin came off like shavings on a wooden statue. i was forming my creation. i was creating something beautiful that could breathe and feel and love. hacking away at this beloved arm.

but the blood. the blood was not right. there was so much. it was getting on the walls in splatters. the slices of skin clogged the drain and soon i was sitting in a deep red bath tub with yellow walls. more continue. then we shall move on. to the other arms and then the legs. just keep going.

my mind was racing. i was alive. i was beautiful. i was angry. i wanted to die. i began to make a bracalet around my wrists with the razor...a bracalet of cuts. but
what
would
happen
when
the
blood
came?
i wouldn't be able to control it.
i sat there mystified.

knock
knock

at the bathroom door.
telling me to get out
asking if i was ok.




reality.





reality hit my so hard that as i went to stand up from the tub i fell back to my knees. desperately trying to get out. blood so much blood. cleaning the walls. no one can see.

but it overwhelmed me.
i couldn't hide this.
couldn't conceal this
couldn't heal this.

so i asked for help.
i told the truth
i felt the numbness
and i died like we all do.

back to the therapists
back to the doctors.
i knew this was coming.

she promised they wouldn't put me away
in some hospital

but when i went to the doctors
not even i could promise my own safety.
it had been so sudden
so impulsive
so rash
and reckless
and i was scared for my life
when i wasn't in control of it
when that other side was in control of it

so they called the insurance
to find which hospital i would go to
where i would stay so they could monitor me
change my meds until something was right
keep me safe
put me under extensive therapy.

they were calling?
this was real?
what no no

they asked what i thought?

what am i supposed to say?

what do you think i think?
i dont want to go
SHE PROMISED I WOULDN'T
they started talking about me like i wasn't there. and my mum started crying and crying and crying. about me. this is my fault. and the doctor tried to console her. comfort.

i looked at the green on the walls for comfort. i tried to leave the room in my mind. i wasn't going to cry i wasn't going to do anything.

the hospital selected. the ideas formed. the doctor went to call the therapist to see what she thought.

and now i am saved.

she would never put me there.
i know her.

but wait.
there what would i worry?
i wouldn't have to worry about all this nonsense?
i wouldn't have to deal with so so many people and move around and function?
could they make me. what would i do?
could i escape from this life?
just go to some hospital.
how bad could it be?

no no no no no no what are you thinking?
this is your life.
this is your life.
this is your life...

she wasn't there.
so we left and he was going to call us.
plans were made people were called.
and my heart beat fast.
no no no no no no noo

and she called and she called
oh did she call
and she said no
i didn't have to go

and they changed my meds
and put me under supervision all the time
i can't even sleep in my room
or be at home by myself
someone is with me all the time
everywhere i go
every room i go into.
no showers or sharp objects for me
not at all.

so this is my life.
i go to therapy everyday.
everyday.
jeez
and i can't go to school
so i do all my work at home
and i stay at home and do work and sit in the backyard and look at the colours and the sun and the trees.

and you know? it's not that bad.

but the cuts on my arm are still bleeding and this is the first day i can even type because of my fingers. and im finally unswollen from my wisdom_teeth and maybe things are going to be okay and maybe things are going to be alright. and they said i won't go into a hospital unless that is the very last option because i need control. that's part of the problem. and to take that away would make everything worse...

so that was my bad day.
and everyone worries
and asks me how i am all the time
tells me they love me.

and maybe things are going to be okay 		040107
...
minnesota_chris ow ow ow don't hurt the person I like! 040107
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mon (i am wordless) 040108
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endless desire i am right handed. not left. i made a lot of mistakes when i was typing. but i felt emotional. 040108
...
x It will get better. Not sunshiney rainbows and unicorns better. Not right away either. Probably, not even soon. But gradually, with hard work, it will get better. 040108
what's it to you? blather
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