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Ouroboros
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He passes her on the street while talking about his cold mother. She is pretty, Asian, well dressed, languid and determined steps. She passes us, and he says, "That was my ex! And she won't even look at me!" After which our conversation halted and he immediately got busy with work. I asked him gently if he was OK, but he grunted and didn't look me in the eye.
Last night I watched a video of a young "troubled" boy having a play-therapy session. The boy was fine, he just needed someone to stay with him in his experience, giving words and names to his emotions. Boys, my roommate explained, need to be taught emotional literacy, so that they can learn to have relationships with others and themselves.
While talking to my father on the phone about Heidi, he mentioned the pain of the time now gone without her. He would feel the feeling, then cut it off and try to move the conversation elsewhere. Pretend the emotions weren't there, that it wasn't so sad.
In class today we learned how the acting out or "symptoms" of children are always solutions to something. The symptom is a creative way of problem-solving. Usually the problem that the child is trying to solve belongs to the parents- something they haven't resolved. I remembered standing outside my dad's office, pounding on the locked door, begging him to let me in, screaming and pounding and pleading for hours. I can see that scene now as making sense, if I view it as metaphor. That I was pleading with him to come out, to let me in, to hear me, to not deny that things were not ok, to not shut down and shut off. I remember how days later after arguing with him, I decided to leave. It felt so easy, and necessary, to walk out the house and out the door and go somewhere safe. I can view this as me doing the leaving for him. He needed to leave his marriage, and I was the one who showed him how easy it was to just go. When we all attended therapy later because of my "acting out" it quickly led to light being shed on how things were not OK at home. That I was the barometer for my father was only part of it- I was a child responding to the out-of-controlness, the chaos, all the ignored and unacknowledged truths.
When I ran into my ex last week, when he tapped me on the shoulder and left, when he refused to speak words or hear me, it hurt tremendously. Locked right back into our dynamic of him withdrawing and me pursuing. It was a gift that I was open enough to receive, to have an opportunity to see how my dynamic with him existed, and I helped create it. And to see how much it mirrors how my father and I are, where he doesn't express and I end up expressing for him. I'm over that now- I'm over creating that reality with the men I love. I create my life with love.
I said that to him during our conversation the other night. Said I would not be in a relationship where I was doing all the work. I have enough of my own growing to do, and it doesn't help him or me to try to control. So I release. I take the constrictions, in my body and mind, and I breathe into them. I engage in creating the reality I want to have- full of life and light and flow and love.
These pieces all come together here, woven together with words. This is but one framework to describe what is swirling within me. I feel so open. So right. The network of energy that I am tapped into is on the frequency of love. I use each moment as an opportunity for growth, so that I may be a better vessel, a better servant of the light. I am kind to myself. I am gentle with myself. This is alchemy, this state. This is right to the core of the fire of creation. The heart. Love. Flow. Kindness creates synergy, acceptance creates synergy, presence creates synergy.
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