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i_am_still_a_coward
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perfectly_chaotic
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I have finally become honest enough with myself to admit that there are a few things, albeit buried quite deep, which I have never been willing to be honest with myself about....
I resent myself for being so afraid to even take a look at certain aspects of myself. There are brief moments when I consider it, but then the memory floods back; I recall why I buried my head in the sand in the first place. The deep, dark, despairing clouds which pelted a storm of bleak depression in my mind seem to loom just over yonder. Part of me wants to pull my head out and look at the sky, but another part is terrified that I would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. It is odd that my current chosen method of procrastination seems to be looking at other uncomfortable memories and dealing with them because by comparison they are easy...
I wish I were brave enough to truly be honest about everything. Maybe then I could share something more meaningful than a mere declaration of paralysis, another form of procrastination.
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110827
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Doar
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your words are not of a coward. They reveal truth. Do not think of yourself as such, it does not suit you. Words are not more than the mind that tells them they are.
And you are not.
Cowards would hide, and bend. And this is not you. Be true, be true.
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110828
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penn
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amen
but yea
Jesus Christ is real
He made me brave
and He's makin me more brave (obedient)
uhm
cowardice is not the absence of fear
it is doing the feared thing anyway
I mean
eventually
hopefully
what human never has fear?!
that's why Jesus said "fear not" about
365x in His Word the Bible
cus He knew we would
*nods
signed pen
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110829
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unhinged
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enlightment
the absence of fear?
i think my favorite part of siddarthas story is when mara sends absolutely eveything he's got at him, even lust, and siddartha touches the earth and becomes enlightened.
he doesn't spout off his mouth, he doesn't fight with weapons or fists, he blinking, touches the earth.
( I read an article today p_c that reminded me of you, this post. Maybe I can post the title tomorrow)
the earth holds us and the universe gives us what it should. words don't really do that justice
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110830
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unhinged
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getting to know your inner critic by jan chozen bays , buddhadharma summer 2011
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110830
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Doar
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good words and links unhinged.
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110830
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perfectly_chaotic
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I appreciate all of your words everyone...
Something funny has happened. I actually looked at that resentment of myself. After a thorough examination, which inevitably included me looking at the other stuff I was afraid of, I noticed that it really just stems back to the same fear-based issues which ended up being the cause of the seemingly more comfortable of my uncomfortable memories. Namely an attachment to this idea that I need others to accept me, that I am not good enough, and that there is something unacceptable about me. This attachment to the absurd idea that I need your approval to someday become happy...
It was kind of ridiculous, but the fear was one of the most real illusions I have ever seen. I don't need your approval to be happy. All I really need for now is to remember how to approve of every last part of myself.
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110830
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unhinged
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hey_doar - thanks
i have a lot of fear and doubt in my life right now; i sympathize.
like an amulet to protect me on this journey, i got some new_ink with my tattoo artist's own twist on that famous image of siddartha touching the ground at the moment of his enlightenment. in my research for this tattoo, i found out he was the same age i am now at his enlightenment:
this year has been pivotal
and yet
I'm still afraid
that all these choices were the wrong ones
so
i sympathize
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110830
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unhinged
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shambhala
shamatha
(today i sat, and for the first time in a long time 20 minutes didn't seem like an eternity.
maybe, just maybe I'm doing the right thing)
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110830
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perfectly_chaotic
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Perhaps fear and doubt, although I am unsure of this, are just another part, in addition to hope and and faith, of the many things which we must learn to accept about ourselves.
To me, at least, it seems unlikely that I will ever get rid of the things that, today, make me seem uncomfortable. More likely seems to be the possibility of changing my personal idea of what being comfortable, in reality, truthfully is. The challenges involved in making such changes, or rather what sort of changes will be needed, appear as if they will constantly evolve and I am curious what might happen if I could become comfortable with that.
It is my hope, unhinged, that you may become comfortable with the results, whatever they may be, of the choices you fear may be wrong. I have this funny feeling that you will find them to be the right choices even if you do not see their rightness right away. It is a feeling that maybe, just maybe, you would be correct in saying that you are doing the right things and are on the right path.
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110831
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unhinged
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fear and doubt are natural functions of the ego; I've never had a particularly self_centered one of those, but have one I definitely do.
they say that when you gain awareness it may seem like you have more fear and doubt, but really you just notice what you have more directly.
and if my general happiness is any indication I am definitely on the right path
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110831
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unhinged
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societal_conditioning
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110920
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unhinged
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you've been calling again. last week even though you didn't leave messages, i knew it was you
clenching
my physical reaction to your phone calls is all either of us needs to know; still, i have panic attacks when the phone rings and i know its you.
months ago when i was trying to fortify myself against answering your calls i would spin out this elaborate story of how after i moved I would triumphantly answer your call (cause for all i am, i am not delusional. i knew you'd keep calling) and tell you to fuck off and die because i don't even live in wisconsin anymore. ha. take that. eat it.
but when that moment actually came i was choking on my own bile, speechless.
today you called again but left a message about how you wanted to make amends. today was my four month anniversary with him. he sent me flowers. i sat in front of the beautiful flowers he sent me and cried. because i still love you but there is nothing left to make amends for. because i was even thinking of you on my anniversary to the absolutely wonderful man I am with now. because even the thought of talking to you still gives me panic attacks.
i felt like a coward for not confronting you.
but
what good would that have done? we have been fighting for almost two years. obviously, my responding isn't helping anything
walking_away
so i am going to refrain and i hope you know how damn hard that is to stop the cycle of bullshit agression between us. i can only be your victim if i let myself be
i will spend the rest of my days hoping for you that the next time someone tries to love you, you let them
grow_up
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110920
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unhinged
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(you texted me just last_night
and i today i resisted the urge to tell you to
fuck_off
i knew it wouldn't do any good
i refrained)
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130426
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unhinged
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(most of those choices were the right ones
rock_on little one)
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140117
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unhinged
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150122
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