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my_thoughts_are_dangerous
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a clever disguise
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once you acknowledge them, they become dangerous. once you utter them, the whole world changes.
better reeeaaallly marinade on those thoughts for a long time before you go any farther.
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120212
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daf
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better yet, don't give them a second thought.
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120212
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a clever disguise
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Nothing like house shopping with someone you feel like you may break up with. That makes the thoughts more interesting: buy a house with this person or remove him from my life?
Fear is very strong and love is equally strong but much easier to end. To end fear you must act. Love can go away on a whim or with time. I know fear is a huge part of what drives me away; not understanding his thoughts and feelings and fearing what his actions mean. But that fear has been born of miscommunication and misunderstanding and the inability to communicate is also frightening, and perhaps a grave warning sign.
Men and women often do not communicate the same or understand each other. I have dated extremely intelligent men who I thought couldn't understand me, so it's not an intelligence thing. Why would I trade out one miscommunication for another? But maybe there is a man who can listen and can talk and wants to "work" to make both sides happy, not just be happy by not talking about the ugly stuff. I'm afraid it's a personality trait mismatch or just incompatibility.
(there really is no point to this blathe, I just have so much swirling around in here...)
For so long, I felt like I understood love, but I didn't. Now, I fear I do understand it and I am falling out of it. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision you make over and over again. And I can feel myself rolling off of this decision; that maybe for all the good things, the connection just doesn't work for us and the end is imminent.
(See? my_thoughts_are_dangerous!)
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120214
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heart/felt
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMubK0y18Lo
This helped my perspective at one time when I was filled with doubt and fear.
best of luck to you.
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120215
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Lemon_Soda
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Faith.
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120215
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a clever disguise
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It has already started.
That slippery slope where all I did was think that perhaps there was a warning sign to heed. Now, I'm rolling downhill and picking up speed and where is the bottom of this hill? A lonely, frightening giant of a change.
Not a new beginning, because there is no such thing. Just a giant change.
But I already feel myself crawling in my skin. I already feel my foot in that door and there is almost no slowing me down.
I do love him, though. It is turning quickly to resentment that he cannot reciprocate, but there is love left.
Can it be saved? Can I get back up the hill?
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120219
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daf
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Why would you want to?
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120220
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a clever disguise
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I have never loved another man like I do this man.
Not just the beginning tingles, which were intense for us, maybe even more intense than normal due to all the drama surrounding us at the time.
But the "real" aspects of love I find in myself. The consideration, the acceptance of him as he is, the things grown-up folks say love is supposed to be. I have never been this way with anyone.
But I know that something is keeping him from loving me the way I love him and it is getting in the way of everything. I know it seems proud to say I can't love someone who doesn't love me back the same way, but I am unhappy. He is either out of love or he is disturbed by something he will not fix. I have tried to help him with his demons, but there is no helping him. He is a "man."
I also have my daughter who is nearly 5 and was too young to remember my breakup with her father. She has known this man for nearly 3 years and she loves him. I can't just break up on a whim; we live together, there are entanglements and the situation needs to be handled delicately.
Besides, I do love him. I just want everything to be ok and happy and loving, but I don't know if he is capable of that anymore and if and when I ask, there will be fireworks. And not the good kind.
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120220
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a clever disguise
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...not the "bad" kind either.
He just doesn't like talking about relationship stuff and he runs.
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120220
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dafremen
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That's all mind fluff. The question stands. Why would you refuse to follow a feeling that's telling you to leave in favor of some impression of what you may or may not have..that he may not be experiencing at all?
I mean have at it. It's your life..but you're reading the words of someone who stayed unhappy for 18 years because of "love." I should have walked out that door 17 years prior.
You're enlightened enough to know better.
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120220
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a clever disguise
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Well, we're not married. I can go as I please. But I'm perpetually disappointed by everything and I never stay anywhere long. I switch jobs about every year and a half, move between different homes every couple of years. I guess I just want to make sure I don't make a hasty decision.
I'm not the average girl who will stand around and wait for some asshole. In fact, the fact that I am unsure if he loves me makes me want to walk out on sheer principle. But I want to make sure I've let both my heart and mind think it through thoroughly. Not 18 years thoroughly, but more than a week thoroughly.
The love I feel for him is special to me, and I feel like I owe it to everyone to fully vet the possibility that something besides lack of love is causing these discrepancies.
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120220
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unhinged
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thoughts are not dangerous; actions are
maybe his idea of 'love' is different than yours. ive found that it is pretty fucking rare that any two people's ideas and expressions of the concept actually overlap in the manner we were led to believe that they should.
me and the boy got in a huge fight last week about me shaving my legs. the second he said that me shaving was an expression of whether or not i cared my hackles went up and wouldn't lay back down. it was a fight that went on for days cause i wasn't willing to accept that, rightly or wrongly. there were a lot of issues from both sides tangled up in the whole thing and also ideals and expectations. but im grudgingly giving him the fact that this argument doesn't change that he loves me.
i tend to run from commitment. this is the longest relationship ive ever had and im about to pick up and move AGAIN in order to sustain it. im a little frightened. these thoughts aren't good or bad. they just are.
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120220
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daf
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Anyone who doesn't want to be with you, exactly as you are at this moment in time, is not ready for your love..nor to share the journey with you.
That goes for ANY time in your life, and ANY way that you happen to be.
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120220
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melted plastic
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fucking right, daf. fucking right.
i can't tell you how many times i've heard people say "relationships are all about compromise". business relationships, maybe. but if a condition of someone's love is that you change who you are to satisfy them, that isn't love at all.
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120220
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i disagree
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changing who you are and making compromises are not mutually exclusive. good relationships involve people who love each other, being themselves, while getting along in a way that makes them want to compromise with each other to make each other's lives, and their lives together, better. making a shift to suit someone else's needs doesn't have to be a dramatic change to oneself.
people who never compromise in romantic relationships are setting themselves up for failure.
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120220
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daf
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Compromise isn't the issue, IMHO.
Compromise should come from your heart..which again..is you being who you are at that moment in time. The issue, I believe is where the conditions and degree of the compromise originate from.
If it is from your heart and inspired by love and wanting to please your partner..go for it! That's the stuff good relationships are made of.
If it's coming from a feeling that you "have to compromise" or otherwise you're being unreasonable..that's bullshit.
If it's coming from that gentle, familiar passive aggressive voice asking you to change something about yourself..that's also bullshit.
In the end "i disagree" doesn't disagree at all.
(One minor nitpicking note: Changing who you are and compromise aren't mutually exclusive, because in this context they are the same thing. And a single thing cannot mutually exclude itself..there is nothing to be mutual with or about.)
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120220
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okay
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fair points. what i disagree with is that compromise automatically means changing oneself. and i still feel that people who refuse to make any compromises probably shouldn't be in relationships.
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120220
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okay
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fair points. what i disagree with is that compromise automatically means changing oneself. and i still feel that people who refuse to make any compromises probably shouldn't be in relationships.
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120220
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a clever disguise
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The man I love went through a very damaging divorce. His children were ripped from him and his ex is a cunt who loves to use the courts (or the threat of court) to twist the blade.
His life was very simple before all this and he has no idea how to deal with it all. He is scared of the feelings he's having. He is lost and literally nothing means anything to him. I am insecure and take everything personally and fear that this impermanent slump will tear him away from me. I do need to love when I don't feel loved. I am selfish in my insecurity.
(Besides we talked today and I feel much better now that I've gotten it off my chest. He's also reading the divorced dad book I bought him.)
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120220
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a clever disguise
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So, I'm pretty sure I'm single now.
I didn't even pull the trigger.
My thoughts have the capacity to become other people's thoughts and force them to execute what I am afraid to execute.
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120226
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a clever disguise
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Just wanted to note that it took me 14 days to turn significantly thinking about breaking up into breaking up.
It needed done. I didn't really want it for probably all the wrong reasons, but regardless, I didn't. But I knew it needed done.
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120226
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