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megan
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I came in from school today, in a pretty good mood since it's been a wonderful day. Ugly weather, but the day was good. Got a good grade in Precalculus, still working hard on dissecting the cat for Biology, I get to go to the elementary school next week to read a class a story and plan an activity for them, I got to talk to Hayley and Rachel quite a bit today, which is always nice. I got to see Holden and we were both happy all day, and joking around and laughing about just everything.
Then I came home.
I was sitting on the couch thumbing through the newspaper while my mom, in the same room, was folding laundry. She seemed like she wanted to say something, so I just sat there for awhile longer. Finally, she asked if I had anything I wanted to tell her. I said no, I couldn't think of anything I had done wrong, since that's the only times she uses those words. She then took a deep breath and asked how my relationship with Holden was. I said, perfect, fine, why? And she asked how the physical side of things were. I just stared at her.
Now, if you know me, I can't lie. I can't just look at someone and tell a lie. I don't know why. So I just said what do you think. She looked awhile longer at me, then asked again. I said, yes, Mom, we've had sex.
She looked so hurt. I got up to give her a hug and she yelled to not leave the room, I told her I wasn't, and I just put my arms around her and held her there. She cried for awhile.
We then began the discussion. She told me I made a bad choice. She was upset that I would go against everything I've been taught, that I would abuse her trust, and that I wasn't ready because I was 17 years old and not in a committed relationship. She said that it probably wasn't special, and that I didn't know what love was, and that I wasn't ready for the consequences that come with it. She asked if it was around the time of when I was very upset, even talking to Lindsay about some stuff. She said that she was afraid we were going to break up, then she started to worry that I had had sex. She then told me that God had a plan for me and that I might've screwed it up.
I cried.
I told her I don't feel I made a bad decision, because I had done a lot of thinking, praying, talking, and research about everything beforehand. It wasn't just a decision I made on the spur of the moment, and that no I didn't have sex just to "make things better between us". I told her that I was OK with my decision, that it was special to me, and that I love Holden. I also told her that I understand that the likelihood of us staying together forever is slim and none. I told her that at least I confided in her instead of lying, couldn't she be happy for that? No, she couldn't, she expects honesty. I finally broke down and told her that we really had never talked about sex or anything unless I brought it up, which was hardly ever. That I had learned about sex through my best friend, not even heard the ins and outs of it from my own parents. I told her that I had always said she could trust me, not that I wouldn't have sex when I was ready. I also told her that it never said in the Bible not to have sex, that they're entertaining the possiblity of Jesus actually even having sex, and that I'm sick of taking other people's words for it. I would rather take it from the absolute truth, not some doctor of english or whatever. She got her Bible and we sat and looked everything up. She came up with sexual immorality verses, and I showed her where it stems back to the old testament where sexual immorality is bestiality, incest, homosexuality, and the likes. She told me that sometimes you have to infer from the Bible, that it doesn't always offer everything specifically. But I brought up that she herself had said that when you infer things out of the Bible, it comes out wrong and out of context most times. She just shook her head and cried again. She asked me to promise to never have sex again, if only for her. I promised. I asked her not to tell anyone else, and she promised.
I asked her if she could open her mind and maybe entertain the possiblity that centuries of belief have been wrong about something so big such as this. Maybe God didn't intend sex just for marriage. Maybe we're all just too embarrassed to talk about it being a simple thing.
She looked upset so I stopped.
She told me that she didn;t feel she could trust me. I told her I had already promised that I wouldn't do anything. She told me she didn't trust Holden, that she knew he still drinks and how would he know if he's even done anything with another girl, that he could have even an sti or std. I told her that he doesn't, that I trust him, and that I've accepted that he drinks and he's going to be smart about it. She still clings to her claim that she doesn't want me going to his house for awhile because she doesn't feel she can trust us. I told her that it was my choice, that I was happy with my choice, and that there's nothing I could change about it now.
Eric came home, and we stopped talking about it. The rest of the evening went by as usual.
I'm sick of having to deal with life. First one thing, now another. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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040317
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