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From a short-lived journal, entry dated January 14th, 2005:
Sorry it's taken so long to get back here. I've always been a horrible correspondent; rarely returning letters or phone calls. I guess this feels a bit like that. Like a chore, even though I know it's a very necessary thing for me to engage in, still, I have little fire of my own, little motivation to do anything at all.
I know I started this whole thing off as a sort of autobiography. My apologies. This entry isn't going to follow the chronology. In fact, this entry is about recent events and thoughts.
Until last night, I hadn't shared the secret for awhile. Not with anyone, although I burn to share it. It's not that I want anyone to react differently, it's that the burden of this secret wears on me and can make my actions very difficult to understand, so I want to explain. But I can't explain to most people. There is an old saying that "the universe has a way of keeping her secrets." That applies here. About 45 out of 50 people COULDN'T understand. It's not a matter of intellect, it's not a matter of religion or upbringing, for some reason, there are things that are not MEANT to be known by all, and so regardless of the amount of effort expended in trying to share it, they will NOT see it.
I shared it with Blaze last night. He's only the second of my FAS Brothers that I've told. He understood, I think. We'll see how he reacts to me from now on. As long as he doesn't go away running and screaming everything should be alright.
Still can't share the secret here. It doesn't feel right, I don't know you yet and this information is not your run-of-the-mill sort of thing. What I can share with you is something that is very relevant to us all. It has to do with the nature of our existence and a sixth sense that we have all but forgotten about. You are, of course, free to disregard everything you read here. Feel free to ask questions, but don't be too surprised if I don't wish to engage in an argument with anyone. If you don't agree with something you read here, you are right, be content in that knowledge.
There is a "voice" (a feeling actually) that each of us has within us. This voice knows the Truth, it knows the Way. (Now don't go all "anti-religion" defensive on me just yet.) The "Truth", is simply that...reality in spite of perception. There IS Truth, it is NOT subjective and we DO know it, just not with our minds. The Way? The Way is the path that you are meant to follow, what you are meant to do moment to moment. Yours isn't exactly mine, nor is hers yours. We each walk our individual paths, but very rarely if ever, does any of us know the Way consciously. The inner voice knows though.
We're walking around, blindly reacting to and acting upon internal mental excitations, created both internally and introduced from external sources. Want, sexual excitation, worry, bills, media, ego. These are some of the influences that create thoughts in our heads that we focus on.
The end result is that we are not here, now, but there, in some imaginary time and event that is either passed away, or hasn't yet and may never come.
These thoughts and "excitations" are very STRONG, LOUD signals. When you're hungry...or see something you want, you know it! There is no doubt when you start to feel that uncomfortable sensation in your stomach; you're aware of what it means, what you have to do to calm it, and it will, in most cases, not be ignored. This is true of most of the influences we are focused on in our lives. The bills, the worries, the politics, the drama. They are very present in our minds (some and or all of them) much of the time. They are a din of massive proportions.
Behind all of the clatter of our thoughts, wants, urges and what-not, there is another "signal" of sorts. But this one is very, very subtle, very quiet and difficult to detect or recognize. There is a feeling behind all of this clamor we surround ourselves with that KNOWS what the best route to take, or time to leave is. It knows what's true and what's right and it communicates these things to us, ALL of the time.
It is there to DIRECT us, but it doesn't FORCE us. It invites us to be directed, and consequently, synchronize ourselves and our actions to the REST of creation. This "feeling guide" is in you, it is in me, it is in all of us. Most of the time, we just don't hear it because we're too busy occupying our minds with something else, usually just stuff.
Imagine that your mother is downstairs, and she knows that you need to get to some appointment. If you can just hear her, you'll get to the appointment on time, things will happen like clockwork if only you can get ready and leave on schedule.
That's how it's SUPPOSED to happen. Here's how it usually happens:
You've got the stereo blasting, you're playing a video game or on the phone or just don't want to listen to anything mom has to say right now. You don't hear your mother or, you do, but you ignore her. You miss the appointment (an interview for this job you REALLY wanted) and you're miserable. Then you say, "Mom!! Why didn't you tell me?" ie. Mom sucks and it's her fault.
No, it's not Mom's fault. You surrounded yourself with stimuli (phone, games, music) and shut yourself off from your environment. It's your fault...but don't be too hard on yourself. It's a very difficult thing trying not to get wrapped up in the pretty shinies of the world.
It's also very difficult to let go, to relinquish the control that your mind exercises over your every action. To walk into apparent disaster with complete trust. Particularly to a feeling inside that you don't know for sure even exists.
But just so you know, it's there. That feeling is in you as sure as I'm sitting here typing this. If we can quiet our thoughts and impulses, we're on our way to being able to hear it. There's another clue out there...the Mirror.
I'll tell you about it later. Have a great day and I'll try to get back here later to describe the Experience to you.
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