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the_wondering_hole
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whitechocolatewalrus
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is it you i so despise
i did not marry you
i cannot divorce you
but oh i wish i could
all your jibber jabbering bullshit
is it you i really hate
or myself
for wanting the only thing i can't have
for wanting what you took
and ruined for evermore
(for wanting the only thing you could take)
[i want my mother back]
i wonder
would it still be like this
even if you hadn't appeared
i wonder
would she have loved me
like she loves you
i wonder and wonder and wonder.
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040104
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walrie
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i do not care for anything
i do not like you
i do not like you
i want to hate you
you make me so angry but i can't get away from it
from you
it makes no sense
why are you here
why do you talk to me
why
why why
you don't tell the truth
everything is a lie
i know it's a lie
why am i always so manipulated
i see your face
i see your smile
i try so hard to stay away
i try so hard
i try so hard to love myself
you're not making anything any easier
i am not ugly
i am not
i am not anything but me
i never have anything to say
why can't you just hate me
so that i can hate you
maybe tomorrow maybe tomorrow maybe maybe maybe
the days are passing me by
slipping
drowning
never returning from the depths
yesterday was the tomorrow that never came
nothing accomplished
ever
i want to
i want
need
want and need
anything to save me from myself
my hate is killing me
suffocating my thoughts
smoke rising from the wounds
my body is a shell
and my mind is the turtle
bursting into flames
ashes flutter in the air
and i need a change
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040121
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whitechocolatewalrus
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is this what it's like
to feel all alone
is this what it's like?
i push away all my feelings
eat them up
and hopefully they disappear.
I pour everything into
words
and leave it behind.
I don't know how I feel anymore
don't even know how to feel at all.
I've cut and pasted myself
to a wall
hidden in the middle of a maze
but no matter how hard I try,
I can't seem to find myself.
Is this what it's like
to be all alone?
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040221
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.fallen
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I wonder what would've happened if...
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040221
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little wishes
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and his fingers came away
covered in blood
and i laughed
and i sighed
and then i flopped down
to recover
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040222
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Syrope
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the most beautiful wound i've ever suffered is to have been stabbed in the soul. the actual violence i don't really remember...it was a long time ago. but it's the kind of wound that never fully heals, but i don't want it to, so it's ok. i want to remember where i've been.
the puncture itself is mostly healed but the edges are tender and gnarled...giving the impression of age and wisdom and experience, like an old tree.
that summer was intensive care, but you help me relive, you help me cope, you help me accept. you are my salve.
i keep the area generally protected. it was only seriously threatened once since. sometimes i find myself careless, trotting about with little regard to it. but like the nerve damage on my foot, like the disease in my knee, like the twisting pain in my back, it doesn't take long before i do something to remind me it's there.
now i live for the soothing effects you have on me. you gazed into the_wondering_hole with me that year, you know what i need.
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040222
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