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witchesrequiem
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"presented respectfully ressurected representation resented insensitive Dissonance. Couldn't possibly understand unless you been with us. Discuss mistrust. But we must remain, maintain, explain the insane nature of the beast."
I awake. Look over to see that it is 4:45 just like in the dream. The terrible dream. Was I already trying to cry...think so but the medication won't allow actuall tears to be releaseed. I am in New York far from my home in New Orleans. He has left for work already.
But the peice above I find written on a bar napkin as usuall. I slowly recall him reading it to me the night before, but then I didn't really breath it in. Now it made great sence.... Was it written about us? I realize it dosen't matter b/c it applies to all of the girls I imagine.
To understand the dream you need to know our story. We were each others first everything begining my emotional saga 7 years ago. we were 17. There was a connection from the moment we saw each other. I knew alot about my future when I saw him. But things can be misinturpretted. I fall in love instantly he says he is as well. We are happy for a year. I thought we were soulmates. We were young!
Then there was Amy... evil, evil Amy.. Many of us hated her. But he liked/tollerated her..who knows which it was. He can no longer recall...I knew she was intrigued with him for months already but I trusted my "soulmate"! She would make up excuses to be alone with him and whatnot. She started bitching that he had to choose. Hell she had the nerve to tell all of our other guy friends this as well... one by one they told her to shove it.. but not him. He broke up with me b/c he was confused. She was in his bed the next day. He asked me back in just two weeks. then only a month later he brakes it off again claiming he didn't want to be with either of us b/c he didn't want to hurt anyone. The next day she is in his bed.
He comes back a month later..I am weary but he assures me his love for me is stronger..he would disappear from then on..for days sometimes even weeks and 3 months at one point...I was distraught and distracted my self with friends.
Prom 1999 He askes for my soul and then we make plans to move to the french quarter. So I say fuck college got to get a damn job, pay bills. That didn't last long the whole playing house thing. Amy soon discovered our location. And once again he would disappear for days and weeks.. I just worked and wrote and cried. He would come home drunk and being stoned was a constant. Sometimes with hickys on his body and smelling of her. Denying having ever had sex with her..which I knew was bullshit but I wanted to beleive it. He moves out I couldn't pay bills alone and the quarter was getting old. We still saw each other on and off for months. Finally I decide I had to get away before I redunk myself for the drowning. I realize we are not soulmates b/c cheating is not something they do to there loved one.
year goes by he calls me out of the blue He is living with Amy I visit him once. 3 more years pass and I bump into him leaving work. he has been through sevral girlfriends and is with one named amanda. I had just split up with ryan. He stays over one night..nothing happens just his bullshit mind drippings rolling out of his mouth dredging up old shit. I cry when he falls asleep. Now I know longer belive in soulmates at all. He claims to hate this girlfriend but moves to New York with her anyway. I met her and apparently he cheated on her to with Evil Amy. We talk on the phone for a year and then he comes to stay back home for a week. He stays over and we do have sex. I cry again after he has gone to sleep. I had emotionaly closed my self off been single for months refusing to settle and now here is this boy I had loved for all these years even after all the pain. I had grown bitter from years of being in long term relationships but never really feeling that I was ever loved.Or anyone wanted to know the inner workings of me like he did.
About a month later New Orleans is threatened with a hurricane I decide hastily to fly to new york and stay with him. Once again our love is strong but our lives are tragic... he said the longest he has ever been without fucking someone since we first did it 7 years ago was 2 weeks. I call him a whore.. So fucking co-dependent, it makes me ill. Only to men have ever had the abilty to make me ill with just a few casual words. He sees nothing wrong with his life style. And dispises my being a dancer. We were discussing me moving up here with him maybe getting a cute little place in Brooklyn. But had he changed, really changed? he claims to love me forever and tells me how pure and beautiful I am. Now he claims to have broke it off with Amanda but she has been ringing the phone of the hook..and he has this little asian fuck buddy to. Yet he claims he wants to fix all his wrongs with me and make it right... I don't travel let alone just up and move to a big city...I hate citys truely. This is my butterfly effect moments. Do I stay in New Orleans cold and bitter possibly buy a house and start my own buisness maybe to never fall in love again and be the crazy witch with all the cats, Screwing idiots every blue moon? Or do I change my whole life for the sake of love? Move to a weird city, find a job and constantly look over my shoulder for all the other girls that fell in love with him and threaten me. Does he love me enough to not talk to them or "feel bad" and keep himself for only me or is the ice around my heart melting and I am being dumb and blinded by my love for him? It's a scary thing leaving everything I know even my coven I will have designate another High Priestess. For a unknown life and a lover I don't know if I can really trust. It will be a while If I do move and seeing as how he can't go 2 weeks with out sex...Who knows how many more psycos he will intrigue before I get back. I can keep myself, could he? very doubtfull and would he tell me if he did screw someone. For all I know he could fall in love with someone while I'm packing my shit. Can he be some what normal..marriage..maybe a brat?
Oh yeah the nightmare. I wake up at 4:45, there is a knock at his door. basiclly all these girls that chase him show up and start crying or demanding things or start trying to move things in or fucking with me. I physically attack them all, easily injuring them.But like a zomie they just rise from aa broken neck. Is it jealousy? Or me saying oh no not this time? Or my anger towards him? Or do I feel I have to fight for what was mine from the start..? while all these other girls he can't stand threaten me... not realizing that I can be so passionate I could slit a throut and not even think about it...just seeing the blackness. Well any way he listens to them and argues to try and keep us all. But we keep fighting when I look at him hurt he says he dosen't care. Dosen't care! I storm of crying and realize I have 3 days left here.
I woke and those things I said earlier flooded into my head about can he change and should I have to move. making me ill and wanting to drown and end all the questioning and things unknown that may be good or terrible.
What was it I knew that day back in 10th grade.....? that this boy would have a huge impact on my life, which he has done already but when does it end? And can I ever peacefully sleep next to him without crying.
Or has the film of fairy tales and love clouded my vision.....and do I even care about life!
Maybe this has been one big dream and I am still 15 asleep in my bed thinking of him! That day we met.
What if I had gotten sick and never have gone on that bloody feild trip and never have met him. Would my life be better or worse.. hmmm..I geuss there is no point in thinking of that. Time only goes forward and I'm getting older.
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040917
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