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andru235
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i went, as usual
but this year it was different, or rather i was different
i felt (surprise) removed from everything, like i was invisible
everywhere people were in little groups; was i, alone, alone? i have gone by myself most years but this year i saw no one i knew...
it was a bummer knowing that there would be so many parties tonight, but that i had nothing to do and no way to get myself invited anywhere
i departed sooner than anticipated because i was becoming sad. i didn't go there to feel extra lonely! i felt mad that i had went and become sad.
at any rate, i am not, nor have ever been, ashamed. but how proud am i supposed to be? my desire for companionship and affection goes unmet, so its not like i'm even actively gay.
its like i'm only gay in theory.
so then, should i be proud in theory?
why did the festival have the reverse effect on me? why did i feel worse after going?
i need friends and the festival made me acutely aware of that.
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050626
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