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misstree
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i didn't think it would be easy, i'm not that thickheaded. but i really thought it would be a good idea. i thought i would be too much of a nutcase out of my own paranoia_crossed_twitterpation, that i was of no use to you, that it really would be best if i go.
like i said, botch. apparently a premonition that it would be difficult about broke the bank on intelligence that evening.
it affected me a lot more than i expected, too. i've resolutely set shoulders and stepped away from a lot of things, temporary and otherwise, but it tore at me. i just kept thinking it would be better for you if i and all of my romping and nipping and howling were absent, that it was the only thing i could do to help you.
then, while lending a shoulder to a friend, i realized what i had really done. there's a difference between deferent distance and walking away. and i had done... when it dawned on me in fullness, i was horrified. even in absence, support is felt, known. i had removed that at a time that couldn't be much worse. of course i'm here, unconditionally. but in my tight and heavy chest, in my own blur of tears as i turned, that's not what i said, not how it felt. your answer to my clarification
once something is broken, it can't be unbroken. but i had to clarify and hope... i don't know. hope i hadn't broken something beautiful forever. still i feel a crack that will never heal.
but that's been said. there's something that hasn't, and it won't be, not right now, but i want to hide it away for some sunday. a Trinket birthed on your behalf.
creatures of our ilk and situation run the risk of being too ephemeral. the reality of the swelling of chest or tingling of fetlocks can become hazed with time and distance. it is only whispers through walls to begin with, but enough space for breath to exchange.
but the way that my heart lurched at the realization... how it tore at me once i stepped out of myself and saw what i had done to you, the horror of my harm... the absolutely naked outpouring that was all i could give, nothing to do but hope my thickheadedness hadn't been fatal... choking on regret, breath held with hope... you are family, the one class of things, beings, or places that is never really left behind... and that is exactly what i had nearly done, in an empassioned moment's blindness...
i treasure you deeply. it took nearly seeing you slip from sight that drove home how much. ephemeral beings are incapable of the kind of blows that were felt, the grip on gut and heart and throat.
a present crafted from the moment, wrapped up in ribbons and awaiting its time. i want to burst out when it is opened and wrap this light around you so you can see how much you make me glow.
you_are_cherished.
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060627
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