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so_now_it's_come_to_this
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icy
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and i just don't want to deal with it anymore
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050811
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misstree
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disconnected disinterest
and o what stories to tell
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050811
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icy
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tell me some stories...
i don't want to think about this anymore...
could use a good yarn
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050812
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icy
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i practically jumped down your throat just to get you to say hi to me. went out of my way and made a fool of myself. what more should i do? you tell me, for i am simply out of ideas. my supply is exhausted. i want to hear from you what i can do to mend what you tore. i admitted the mistakes i made. what else? i said i was sorry - repented, seen the light, and turned. so now, what more? tell me what i can do for you.
but now i think i might not have the energy. such a bother to be blamed for everything.
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050815
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rage
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im trying not to sit too close to you as you wonder what my best friends doing in the next room
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050817
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iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl
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sifting through semi-coherent images and sounds, trying to piece together just how much of a fool i've been again, getting drunk and kissing my friends. i hate this. i can't even remember what else i did, or even the sensations of kissing, just the bathroom and the fact the light was off.
i didn't fuck anyone.
the perks of being an ice queen i guess.
i hate losing control like this
simple answer, don't drink.
obviously.
however i have reached that sad point in self-absorbed depression where i feel the need to drown out the numbness with the warmth and coziness of drinking.
and the human contact it brings.
i can't bring myself to take antidepressants
i vowed i wouldn't resort to the chemicals
but it's already too late, isn't it?
for what else is binge drinking
than an antidote to the cold truth?
the chemicals control me, and i gladly submit
only to sober up and rue the night before
but secretly
i'm glad i had those few precious hours
of simulated affection and belonging.
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050817
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unhinged
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my handy rationalization may also come in handy for you insecure_goth_girl
the only difference between paxil and alcohol or pot is that paxil is always in your system and the effects of alcohol or pot wear off after a couple of hours. so i would prefer to medicate myself with something natural that still allows me to feel when i want to than to let a doctor turn me into a zombie. no matter what the does of anti_depressants a person takes, the point is that it levels you out and lets you live in that comfortable grey area of not feeling 24 hours a day for as long as you want to take them. the problem is they aren't so easy to stop taking. with plenty of second_hand experience with them, withdrawal from anti_depressants can be just as nasty if not more than the withdrawal from recreational drugs.
maybe i shouldn't encourage you, knowing that you are significantly younger. but i have made the same choice as you have for about five years now and i can tell you that creating more guilt doesn't work either. live to see another day is my motto. and sometimes a few numb hours of chemical elation is the only thing that helps. sad_but_true ; love works too but that is just as dangerous i think. i wish i had a better answer for both of us even though you didn't ask me for one.
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050817
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iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl
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unhinged,
i appreciate your advice, many thanks.
i am living each moment as i can right now... carpe diem and all that...
thinking to the future is like taking that final step off the cliff,
so i'll just balance here for a while, watching the ground fragment beneath my feet. just waiting to act.
your words and experience help.
so thankyou, i will look again at this blathe when i feel capable of deciding anything about this.
(although that could be a while, lol.)
the best answers are the solutions to unasked questions.
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050818
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unhinged
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k
i was just afraid that i might come across as 'arrogant and bitchy' like i so often do over the internet or so i've been told. i feel like we are fingers on the same hand sometimes, me and you. or that i am looking at the me from five years ago. and i definitely don't like to see others so conflicted and sad.
as hard as it is, sometimes you just have to look to the future and believe that it will be better than the present. this coming from me, one of the biggest wallowers in self_made_misery ever, i know. but even i say that to myself now and again. the future just HAS to be better than this bullshit. and even if it's one moment in the hour of your life, like that perfect blue early spring day when the dogwood and daffodils are blooming, that one moment is better than no moments right?
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050818
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once a fanatic
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how did it ever come to this? you talk of love and i don't know what it is...how everybody gets this feeling. how can it be love,i cannot feel a thing.
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050819
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pete
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i wash my hands so much they hurt, just trying to remove the catalyst from the silence, to keep the silence as it is, the echoing in the night of this small town, almost too small for me now, yet fitting perfectly to a future i envision..
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050819
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Syrope
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too scared to go to the gym this morning. i didn't want the endorphins, i didn't want the company or the friendship, because yesterday i spent so much energy convincing that woman we were right for each other, and now i feel foolish.
too scared to turn on the radio, afraid the song playing might be too happy or too sad. or maybe just too happy.
too frazzled to work. i can't even put dates in my calendar correctly. i ache so much in side that i can't fathom focusing on a piece of paper long enough to write a single equation.
too hurt to care where we go from here. i don't even have the patience to argue with you any more, so i don't see why we should bother talking at all. i need all the energy i can muster now for myself. for myself.
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050820
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i know you
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once a fanatic
easyworld fan?
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051025
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falling_alone
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an email from my roommate who sleeps right across from me.
Hey rebecca,
listen i want you to be completly honest with me...since day one i knew right off the bat that we were different, and honestly that didnt bother me because i thought after time we would form a friendship, but unfortunatly it doesnt seem to have worked out that way, its not that im unhappy, its just i think i would be happier if u switched rooms with kima, me and kima spoke about the situation with sydney and she said she could make the arrangements by this week....kima also mentioned to her roomates already that she wanted to switch with u and move in with me, and they were happy about it. plus i couldnt help but notice that on your facebook u seem to be friends with ashley....if u think about it u always go home on the weekends anyway...and maybe ul have more in common with the girls in that room, in case u didnt know the girls in room 35 are, ashley, lexi and lauren.....just to set things straight i want you to know that i DO like you, and i dont at all mind being roomates with you...but u do have to admit that its akward in the room, and it just isnt working out....i just think if we made the switch everythin would be better for both of us...so please let me know if u dont want to move in with the other girls because i dont want you to feel like u have to, then again please take the time to think about it because it would mean ALOT to me if this switch happened. because honestly im unhappy at school and many times i have thought about transfering.....i dont want to transfer.....and if this happened it would make me really really happy, so take the time to think about the whole situation and write me back.
thanks, meagan
p.s.- lexi is a fashion designer major just like you and lauren is an architecture major and ashley is interior design, which all relate to you...it just seems like everything would work out.
let's revisit this:
"...its not that im unhappy, its just i think ..."
"...because honestly im unhappy at school and many times i have thought about transfering.....i dont want to transfer....."
i always found our silence comforting.
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051025
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once a fanatic
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i know you...
of course you know me.
easyworld fan indeed. although now a david_ford fan.
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051025
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three words
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damn_you
so_now_it's_come_to_this
this_trippy_log_burning_fire
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110108
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