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re_alisma
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re: venus_de_blather
subject: extended blather commentary, causes and consequences.
for whatever reason, the two of them both were getting off on the whole selfish TV show. (basically). i don't know, sometimes people need to be selfish. there should be a level where satisfaction is reached, somehow, though. (referring to Venus-Sun contacts).
i actually went to SF to visit these people in 2004 to try to work this out, but she wasn't there. also, i don't think i was sane enough to talk to anybody, or people weren't really talking to me, or whatever. whatever it was, my visit didn't really work.
i always seem to want to pipe up and say it smacked of some evil, but maybe that's just me being immature. i liked Sesame Street as a youngun, but now i no longer like Sesame Street. whatever. c'mon admit it, the whole Henson thing was a little evil. i'm actually sure of it. it's the rainbow connection! wants to be free of dominance magic, but it's not. s. had said he wanted to do a whole slew of blather colors. he must have gotten the good-enoughs, or decided we were all exceedingly lame and two colors was keeping it a little too real. (?) or there was some need to keep it under control, for whatever reason, and knowing them, they probably just ran away and pretended they had better things to do! i don't really think they do (but what do i know) but i do know they had to make some cash and raise children. perhaps their ancestors were not even present, or opposed. i actually would be willing to place a wager that d's were not present, and s's were opposed and that's what led to the negative opinions and, basically, exploitation. in a synchronistic spiritual way i mean. not really in the materialistic sense because i do think we are better off with no signs of monetary exchange.
of course, i don't want to blow anybody's mind apart by suggesting that synchronicity can be unfavorable, but you got to give "the universe" credit to cover whatever bases needed to be covered. i think there is many a Pluto in Libra that doesn't even register that their cause can be considered a diplomatic one, and thus these ephemera are not all in our personal FOR column. i think d. wanted something from me. like something psychological. i probably gave it to him, but it's possible that it wasn't truly what he wanted. so there was a dispute about whether i had paid my (spiritual) debt to him adequately, or if it was basically unwanted or something. (chiron's rejectionary position) and knowing him, there involved a refusal to recognize my agency and person, but there was an instinctual sense that good stuff was to be gotten. and so the getting off commenced.
I don't know. They ARE TV people. I'm not a TV person. I can barely watch 30 minutes. I fall asleep if you make me. I don't really understand. I should just realize that I did what I was supposed to do, and he/they didn't really receive it. They are peaceful, slow-track people. and I'm not wasting my time. But it was something that seemed like it was required, and without acknowledgement, I think i felt like it was continued to be undone. It's a tough one for me, but I suppose it has loosened me up and got me wasting more time. Since it's so accomodating and flexible and all.... it IS pretty gracious, and makes me go slower which is something I do, in fact, need. Sometimes I don't even think I'm breathing. it's all part of some fateful thing, but i don't pretend that it's been flowers and sunshine and happiness and peace in our world as a given. i guess it's only if i win the lottery will all be forgiven. otherwise i will try to cull this thing for what it's worth, but i will probably fail. and it will be "next time, Gadget!" for me.
i wish they weren't so silent. i wish we could be friends, but i don't want to revisit a similar situation in some future life or whatever. too hard! and it made me feel like i was totally laid to waste, which was not something i want to revisit, out of self_respect. i'm worth a lot more than this lazy stuff, and i'm only interested in improving my ability to have a positive effect on the world-at-large, which is, for me, ideally a place where children are a, you know, optional thing. i think that might have been one of the conflicts, and, knowing my background, i probably did act evilly with regard to it. i really wish i had been one of those people who were an option! but with regard to these people i might have behaved evilly about, i probably made some dynamite "insurance" to cover for all the would-be damages. so whatever. i'm still not clear on who are the real scientists and who are the real computer programmers, but i will cross that bridge when i am better prepared for it. it's possible that i have a tendency to move too fast, become un-wellrounded, and un-prepared and it's all been good for me, regardless.
i've been working really hard at dissolving rage and anger lately. i can barely meditate, but i can still work on it, in my own way. i'm told i'm excused from meditating, but i'm not excused from trying. see, there i go again, seeing if anybody cares. stop it, amy, you already know these particular humans don't have it in them! now if they were gods, they would have all kinds of excuses.... but since they are humans i must recognize that they don't have it in them.
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