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Ouroboros
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you were not, as you write, too old, sober, and desiring of love. you were suffocating in your expectations of me- there was no space for me to be myself and no room for our relationship to develop naturally- you put too much on me and us in your quest for love or truth or whatever you say. you deserve to be happy, no doubt, you deserve to be in a loving, caring relationship with someone who supports you and whom you support. you will not have that until you let go and trust the moment and trust the flow of intimacy- you can't force it- breathe your anxiety away.
and trust me, i have my share of anger too. like that i kept coming back to you. that i let you yell at me at the temple burn. that i let you walk all over me and smother me until i was nothing more than a puppet for a relationship that could somehow fill the self-trust that was missing from your heart.
obviously both of us are to blame. and neither of us are to blame. we had an intensity together that could light fires. i chose to be in a relationship where i was constantly needing to put myself aside and change for you. you let yourself be in a relationship where i didnt treat you how you wanted to be treated.
the intimacy we shared during sex was real. but sex is not the whole relationship, as i have learned. the fact that we really had nothing in common, had nothing to talk about were also important part of the relationship.
we also are really similar in our addictions- to food, to the internet, to ruminating and obsessing and getting caught up in our mind-chatter and not just breathing in and out and being in the moment. we both fed off each other in our relationship- draining is right.
and now i am in a relationship with someone i love. who loves me. who balances me out and reminds me to be in the present moment, not take myself too seriously, and always treat myself, others, and the world with love and compassion. i still get caught up in my head and stress out, i still get depressed- but i am learning to not identify with the negativity and despair- it passes. i am going to the root of things, i am facing my fears, i am combining my old self and new self- i am letting the me i was in los angeles, in olympia, even in thailand go, and allowing space for peace and growth and love.
i have much compassion for you. you are a warrior of your own making, you fight the battles you create, and you keep on going although you create a barrier of isolation around you. i have learned so much from you, including how i am perfect and beautiful and lovable just as i am- i do not need to throw myself into improvements for myself or for anybody i will never again be in any kind of relationship that encourages and emphasizes my lack or incomplete form of self
i love myself. i trust myself.
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