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re_alisma
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sort of far from being bugged that i don't have anything to do on a friday night. i gave up on that type of whimpering long ago. but the fact that i even care to comment about it right now is a change. it did kind of suck for a little while there. did i tell anybody about that stretch where i lost the ability to listen to music? i did, really, for many months, 7-8 years ago.
i am in active experimentation phase with the thought that having 2+ more hours per day of wakefulness, not pacing incessantly, losing weight, and not so much blinking of the eyes might bring a big improvement in quality of life. now, it's a matter of convincing myself that i don't need the medication, which is risky, but also not something my doctor has any intelligent input on. it's pretty black and white to him. the diagnosis is solid to him. wouldn't he start to question it if i've been going to him for 3 years without symptoms on the lowest dose possible? it seems to be my job to question it. currently i'm thinking that i just need to grow up a little. i'm trying to do exactly that. it's complicated, but i'm trying. if i fail to self-regulate the old neurotransmitters, then at least i know more about them and can more confidently self-diagnose (which is important because seriously 8 minutes every 3 months with a doctor who keeps me waiting for 24 minutes while he meets with pharmaceutical reps is probably not good enough care for what is, in reality, a life-threatening and lifelong disease) so if it's a charade i need to figure that out, so i've got to get experimental with it again. and figure out how to get either a) better care, like an adequate therapist b) better priorities in what i should be doing with my day, like maybe meditating more and more cardio or c) both of the above with the goal of dropping the diagnosis and calling it extreme depression/stress/disappointment/bad boundaries/putting off growing up but not some kind of lifelong disease i need to be on strong medication for.
all those Buddhists say that meditation will save your brain. it would be stupid of me not to try out the theory. if i have to go back on the med, i will just have to devote quite a lot to exercise to see if i can get that sleep thing cut back. the main impetus here is i've gotten sick of sleeping so much.
i don't seem that crazy to myself, lately. i feel like i'm done with panic about the whole grad school trainwreck. it's been 8 years, i should be over with it. the people who carried forth my research got really murky results. i didn't miss out. i just freaked out, how could my whole education go to waste like that? i just wasn't okay with it, and was inconsolably upset with myself for such a waste and poor decision making capacity. i've been well-equipped to reason myself out of it. i had a lot of preparation for what happened too, and in the weird time-out i did all kinds of fake work (or could be real) in my imagination. so it wasn't a total debacle, it's just that people don't know the whole story (only i do), and besides, they don't, or can't, seem to care. it's really only me that can synthesize it somehow into something cohesive and meaningful. i can't rely on social mirrors because there are none.
and right now, it's got me in this state where i've been sleeping far too much and i want to see if i can change it. i've probably told my doctor about 10 times that i sleep too much, and he has never had anything to say to that. so, i'm what iffing about it. what if i can say OK, that was a scary decade, BUT I GOT THROUGH IT, that would be a good thing. i would be developmentally disabled not to try.
i know, though, that the common wisdom is to stay on the med. that it's like having diabetes, or something similarly chronic. so i guess i still have to be realistically prepared for a possible bad brain again. i'm far too motivated not too try for that "hey, i'm cured! somebody must have got it wrong!" scenario, though. it was the prior LSD use. something i've also told the doctors about but they said nope, no evidence that it could be that. anyway, i think that it's possible that the doctors are not being smart doctors. i'm a shaman. no, kidding, i'm not that idealistic. yeah, anyway, i do have to map the territory correctly, i can't go for decades without trying to figure these things out. i have Neptune stationary in the 6th house -- i'm supposed to have mysterious illnesses that mysteriously come and then GO. it would be so exciting if it did -with a little effort- just clear up. like a cold or acne. that would be super, but, it's true, maybe it won't.
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