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my_old_friend
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perfectly_chaotic
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Sometimes I wish I could talk to you because I always liked talking to you, was comfortable with it. Only thing is it would be awkward now after all of the time and actions that have passed. The things both said and unsaid, done and not done. I no longer pine for you or anyone, I believe I may be growing colder and more statuesque and it is sort of painful. Truthfully, I wish we would have only ever have been friends because you would probably still be in my life now. I could use a friend like you. Yet, in this unhealthy relationship I am in I don't know how that would work either. This new woman, who I've been dating for nearly a year, has changed me and I see it. I don't think I could romantically love anyone else again anytime soon. First I'd at least have to get over the way that when I look at a beautiful woman I now wonder what kind of crazy is under the façade. I only wish I could talk to you. This time around, even were I not in this train-wreck relationship, I wouldn't let sex get involved and I don't think I'd want the emotions of anything beyond caring for a dear friend. So many things I would tell you if I could. So very many things. So many various things I would like to hear from you too. I think I need out of this relationship, but I crave the physical love, the sometimes all too intense positive emotional feelings, and plus we work together which would be just effin' weird afterwards. I will never date a co-worker again. Too much on too many different levels. Don't even feel I can be who I am around her. Can't tell her shit about my past or present without a freak out or jealousy fit. Have to hide my meditation, my AA, any kind of social interaction which does not involve her. I feel like an implosion waiting to happen.
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150406
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unhinged
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(why do you have to hide positive things like meditation and AA from her?)
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150406
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perfectly_chaotic
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jealousy and insecurity are ugly beasts.
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150407
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perfectly_chaotic
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I've tried to encourage her to seek out positive outlets for herself(made it clear I don't care whether they are anything like mine either), but she can be a real mule. At least it seems that way, but I have seen her and at times(for seemingly no reason) she becomes absolutely terrified of and suspicious of everyone for no concrete reason. It is hard to watch.
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150407
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unhinged
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that must be hard for you
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150407
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perfectly_chaotic
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It feels like my heart is being pulled by horses moving in two different directions. My feelings are being stretched like sour taffy. Part of me knows I need to leave, that it cannot work in the long run. Part of me doesn't want to go. She is not stupid either. At times I am almost certain she sees it.
I've written her dozens of poems, stitched her together a book, painted its covers. At those moments she asks me if it really meant anything. Asks me if I meant all of the things I have said about wanting a life together with her, and I did mean those things and I did want a life with her at the time. Impermanence can be a real mofo, but such words could not possibly be a comfort to her.
They do not help me feel any better about it all. I feel awful that things are the way that they are. Yet, in staying, I do not think I am being fair to myself. I feel down-right miserable. So does she, but not only because of me. She told me back last year when things were fresh and new about her mental illness, yet I did not really think anything of it. She seemed fine back then. I did not really know or think about what it really meant, about what it might be like. I have kept hoping for a change that I am afraid is not going to ever come.
I still love her, but it is so hard to stay with her. I am disintegrating inside and am afraid some of my heart-dust is going to be carried off by the wind. Part of me really wants to be alone again but it feels impossible.
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150408
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flowerock
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It's hard to say what's right or wrong from the outside_reading_in, but it reminds me a bit of my last relationship. We did love eachother and want it to work... we tried to make compromises and understand eachother, but I believe that he was just sincerely ill. He had a sickness that he barely noticed and it infected everything. He had brain damage from an incident that left lumps in his skull where it had been punctured several times and stapled and taped back together, his mom told me about how he had to relearn how to speak and move. Intense. It is hard to decide stay_or_go. I tried several times to leave him before finally just going, I basically had to run_away from our home and not go back and do all the work for the divorce from a good_safe_distance. Even the reasoning that neither of us were happy got through to him. How could you let a situation continue in which the one you love is miserable?
I hope that your situation flows into something functional asap, whether together or separate. It isn't easy, take comfort in that if you can, it's not a weakness, it's the reality of the situation. There is likely no easy solution. Whatever you do, let it be an accomplishment, and do it with compassion, for yourself and for her.
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150408
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unhinged
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how is she taking care of her mental illness? is she taking care of her mental illness?
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150408
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unhinged
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and impermanence is definitely a bitch and not really all that comforting when relationships fall apart. there is no getting around the shitty feeling of someone telling you they no longer see a future in your relationship. i don't have long term relationships. i have thought about why a lot in the past year. but one thing i do know is i will not beg anyone to stay with me.
i feel for you. i left a relationship six months ago that i felt was holding me back. we were together in some capacity or another for about five years when i decided i was done. he still calls me. i don't respond. and i feel like shit every time i don't respond. but i think overall i feel better; until something happens where i would love someone in my life that i feel understands me.
i feel like maybe i shouldn't say anything to you about it. i can't imagine. i can't offer much in the way of advice. heartbreak sucks no matter what angle you look at it from. separating from someone you attached your heart to is like amputation. it hurts like hell but you learn how to live without it eventually.
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150408
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unhinged
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bach_goddess
i wonder how your life turned out
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150409
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perfectly_chaotic
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She needs to sleep more. The period at the end of that sentence is not big enough. All she does for treatment is got to her psychologist once a week and take her meds, supposedly anyhow. Any suggestion that she try anything more is met with hostile resistance, the suggestion that I do not believe that she has been trying, the suggestion that I do not give her the credit for the things she does do. Half the time lately she says she cannot even remember all of the shitty things that happen. I recently told her after the fact about some stuff because I thought she should tell her doc about it, maybe the meds need to be switched up or a different dosage or something. They told her it is all probably because she hasn't been sleeping.
She bailed on our plans today. Got a phone call full of sobbing and paranoia. "I don't want to go. I did want to go, but now I do not want to. The only reason I want to go is to make sure you do not stray. I am not sure if I slept last night. How can you tell? I think I might have. How do you know if you are dreaming? I kept dreaming of you kissing other girls." You need some good sleep. Stay home. Rest. Please, I am begging you to get some sleep.
She doesn't even seem like her. I want her to rest until she gets her wits back about her again. I want my sweetheart back. I am growing afraid that she never was who I used to believe and that it was all an illusion perpetuated by her hiding her uglier parts and my willingness, my desire to believe that they did not exist or couldn't possibly be too bad.
I hate to tell her she needs to try harder. To be more open minded to trying other methods of getting better. The fight, possibly multiple fights, it would entail to possibly maybe happen, or not, would be brutal. Yet, the stuff she does is not working well enough. I think it is going to take more than simply going to the doc and taking the meds. Don't want to give an ultimatum, but I just don't think I can go on like this much longer. May have to suck it up, find a new job(don't know how I could keep working in the same place with her), throw one out there and let come what may. Don't know if that'll happen, and I am just rambling a bit, but I just don't know how to handle this. Where is the effin' manual?
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150410
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unhinged
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damn
sometimes the only manual is what is right for you, and sometimes that is the most difficult manual to get ahold of and comprehend.
my brother has a similar problem with his girlfriend. i don't know how he deals with it.
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150410
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In_Bloom
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My brain feels like it's exploding in little bursts, around the clock. I miss you.
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150421
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flowerock
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I re read old emails. "I'm proud to know you" he said. The world is missing yet another loving soul. It's up to allove us to keep life beautiful and live well, to tell eachother how proud we are of eachother and how loved we all are... and to keep it weird. Always a little more colorful and always with a smile.
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150421
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fir3cuB3
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sometimes i get this feeling... i am talking to her, but she is gone already. what is real... and what is not real? what is the truth? ....truth is consistent lie
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150422
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fir3cuB3
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when you start caring, people walk all over you. is that true? anyways i never bought truths... maybe i don't like sacrosanct.
But i even don't like a single interpretation of a subject... maybe i don't like sacrosanct.
so if i told you -"I love you Meghna", it will not be honest... maybe i don't like sacrosanct.
and i want to be honest with you, i care darn to much... maybe i don't like sacrosanct.
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150425
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