|
jane
|
i went to the monte carlo, had a couple drinks, played a couple games of pool. elton called me when he got off work because we were supposed to meet at old i for a drink he said who are you there with, i said myself, i said crista was supposed to come but didn't i just wanted to play a game of pool. so i said i'll meet you at old i when i finish my beer. well what do you know five minutes later who walks in the m.c. but elton himself, who gives me a kiss & tells me i look beautiful even though i know i dont. i introduced him and ken and said i was almost done with my beer & said that i would meet him over at old i after i went pee. elton said okay and went out the door. ken asked me for a kiss on the cheek. i gave him one on his right cheek and then grabbed my purse. you leavin? he asked. nope just going to the
bathroom. ok well then get the other cheek on the way out. so i kissed his left cheek and went to old i. willie was outside and lare was at the door. already elton had ordered himself a shot of jack and a corona; i went up to the bar and asked for a corona. we talked about the photograph of his family and he was trying to tell me about the photographs that his mother had but i kept getting caught up in the fact he mentioned she used the same camera since his brothers were kids but there were more pictures of him than his other siblings. i got confused as i thought color photographs didnt come about until the sixties and anyway my persistant consfusion basically crumbled our conversation. what does it matter anyway? he asked and scoffed. okay, maybe she didnt use the same camera. i had this feeling that i had completely demolished this important fantasy no matter how seemingly trivial he was trying to tell me about his family, his mother especially trying to keep her memory alive post mortem and here i was interrupting it. and now all he was going to think of along with that memory was how we fought in a bar on a wednesday night about something stupid. we didnt really speak the rest of the night about anything of consequence. he ordered beer on my tab. jimbo made us a roasted toasted rootin tootin screaming nazi which is a drink courtesy of ralph's bar in massachussetts. it was awkward and otherwise uneventful and i felt like by the time we left that he was so fed up with me; he wouldn't even kiss me goodnight. i drove home and called monte carlo and ken answered and told me to come back to the bar. so i walked over there and i drank water until the bar closed and even after and then ken walked me home and i gave him a hug and he petted my hair and i forgot what it was like to have someone not only think you're amazing but tell you and pet your hair all the time and keep hugging you and then he asked to sit on the steps and talk for a while but i knew it was already late and i would already regret staying out later even if i did want to talk but i knew i would be tempted to kiss him and not just on the cheek; i guess i know how to seize a moment especially the perfect kissing opportunity, and i haven't had many and if i have i was too scared to try to kiss elton because he was too busy looking at something more interesting. so ken insisted on walking me up the steps to my house and i really felt bad because the kiss moment was still there & yet i knew how bad bad it would be to give in to that. so i am glad that i have self-restraint now but also i feel guilty for having the kissy feelings in the first place. i hadn't brought my phone to the m.c. the 2nd time so when i finally oozed my way inside i checked my phone and elton had called five times which even now gives me that achy feeling in my stomach, that oh my god i love him but even so i'm holding back - let him call me five times i'm just going to sleep because if i call him now between 2 and 3 he'll correlate bar closing time and know that i was still out. so i figured i would call him late morning or just send him an email when i got to work saying i fell asleep, my phone was on silent, etc. so this morning i wake up and i'm getting ready for work and what do you know i hear my phone vibrating and it's elton and he's clearly just woken up and he says what happened to you last night? and i say, i fell asleep (which is true), and he says i tried to call you and i say i didnt hear my phone (which was true). oh, okay, he said, just wanted to make sure you were okay. yep i said, and then the conversation was over. when i got to work i had this email:
"Im losing it. What is happening to us. It seems like we cant talk to each other anymore. I dont know whats wrong. Is it me? Last night was just off. I want to fix this , but i dont know how. Its like we hate each other now or something. You sounded very cold this morning on the phone, annoyed even. It is really bothering me and i am very confused."
"do you even enjoy spending time with me anymore?
i wouldn't if i was you. i feel like i'm losing it too.
i didn't want to get out of bed this morning.
it will be better when the hormones are out of my system.
my body thinks it's pregnant. i'm annoyed to have to go to work.
it will be better; i'm so sorry things are going shitty but i know that it
is me and my brain right now. and you are stressed out and don't know
how to deal with it. i just want to crawl under my desk & not
talk to anyone. i love you very much, and i know this is not the
biggest obstacle we've been through, and i have faith in you and me,
but i asked you to be patient, and you lost it last night.
i can keep reminding you. once you snap at me like that we
can't regain communication. please try to be patient."
"As long as its just stress , i can deal with it. Niether of us needs to make major decisions right now. Its raining on us now, but it cant come down forever. We shouldnt have to remind each other of anything, this is just how things are right now. Lets not apologize to each other, lets just not get to that point."
"thats how it seems on my end; there are still underlying problems but you're right, we can't make
any decisions right now. i just want you to be happy, even if it means sequestering myself
until the whoremones are out..."
and that was that.
i have not been taking the pill now for two nights in a row and i feel more sane than i have in months; i went to the bar last night to drop off a card for ken to say "thank you for joining me on the treadmill of night" and he wanted me to stay and so i had two glasses of water (some guy came up to me and said, you could be drinking something stronger) and tipsy came in with a girl named emily and we talked for a while, rob about work or whatever and i talked with emily about tom robbins and kurt vonnegut and ken said he wanted to walk me home again and i said you can't just leave the bar but he said he trusted rob and he walked me to t street and i was going to keep walking but he wanted my number so i gave it to him and kept walking and he was still talking as i walked away & waved behind me and he called me again today to say that the card put a big smile on his heart. take that hallmark.
|
070323
|
