|
| |
misstree's_dubious_job
|
|
|
minnesota_chris
|
so what job do you have, that allows you to blathe during the day?
And what sort of human combustion do you do? Is it more of a random_act_of_violence sort of explosion, or is it more of a hiding_the_bodies type of destruction?
|
040301
|
| |
... |
|
|
misstree
|
i process claims for a damn good insurance company... i sit in a cubicle farm, all these little emulators and image windows and whatnot sitting there, staring at me, inviting me to chug away at enterting medicare information and sending electronic communication to home plan states for additional information and determining if this vision claim is coded right or if that one is a duplicate (and thuskly spending most of my day either bored or confused)... down in my lower left corner, the hardest corner to see that is additionally blocked by my body to anyone walking behind, sits a little blue island that says, "come, tree, there are letters with souls here! come play!" and so when i get too bored, i bop around on here... i am kind of surprised that no one has asked me yet why i always seem to be doing the old clickety clack into a little wordpad window, but slack is ubiquitous hereabouts... as long as you push out a certain number of claims, they mostly leave you alone...
and, here at human combustion research laboratories (a subdivision of apocalypse_incorporated), we look at all aspects of human combustion; spontaneous, planned, and accidental; pre- and post-mortem... with accessories, without accessories, in whole and in parts, if it's burning bodies, we do it. right now we're looking into opening a new department, that being the flaming zombie division, which was brought about by the question of whether a flamethrower would be an effective weapon once hell is full and the dead are walking the earth (and hungry)... my original estimation is that, until the brain matter is destroyed, all a flamethrower gets you is a hungry flaming zombie that's still intent on devouring your flesh... but the point was raised that flamethrowers usually have a range of about 10 to 15 feet... so movement speed would be a factor, plus how long it takes for the flames to sufficiently destroy the brain matter, plus if zombies are any more flammable than their haven't-been-dead-yet counterparts... because, you see, it actually takes quite a bit of heat to get humans to actually combust... i mean, try to think of setting a piece of bacon on fire... it's a bit difficult... all that skin gets in the way... much like strangulation, movies make human combustion seem a much quicker and easier task than it actually is... all you can hope is that they're wearing a nice polyester blend (and then, there are some blends that, instead of burning, more melt... ah, melting clothes to charring flesh... man, those were some good times)...
but i digress... i get a bit caught up in my moonlighting job... and my daytime job is dubious indeed... i mean, i've spent probably half of my day already going clickety clack and typing and reading, rather than processing... i mean, what kind of company keeps a person like that on staff? really, the wasted manpower is astounding... uf, hangon, the boss wants to see me... and she looks upset...
(knock on wood for me, willya? we get a gainsharing bonus on our paychecks this friday, and while i recognize the inevitability of any job's end, if i lose this one just before that couple-hundred-dollar bonus, i will be beyond upset...)
|
040301
|
| |
... |
|
|
minnesota_chris
|
oh oh right you're a RESEARCHER. It's fine and dandy, you body-burning academics, sitting in your ivory tower, making flaming zombies and whatnot. You have no appreciation of the pure bottom line, the checkbook issues. It's all "But I must have only the finest Syrian made napalm" and "Soviet-made rocket launchers are integral to the furtherance of my research."
grumble grumble tax dollars at work grumble why can't I get my own incendiary grenades whine whine
|
040301
|
| |
... |
|
|
misstree
|
now listen here a minute; we ain't no pansy-assed academics... we do real field research... no beurocrats here... each one of our employees is here because they love the work... i mean, the pay rate is ridiculously low, we frequently find ourselves having to make do with substandard materials, both on the incendiaries and the meatsacks, there are no vacation days, and you can't imagine how, um, interesting i smell when i get off work... though we do have a stunning cafeteria selection... if you're not a vegetarian, that is... but i'm saying we're all a very hands-on group... only way to really get the feel of it... and tax dollars? puh-lease... we're all privately funded... no way we're letting the government get their grimy paws on our discoveries, rope us into their red tape all over the place... i mean, to them, napalm was the be-all end-all of human combustion, but do they have any sense of art? of versatility? i tell you they do not. plus, they won't even admit they have the zombie farms, do you know what kind of permits you have to have just to *transport* the damn things? so much easier to just breed them yourself...
and if you want to play with incendiary grenades, we do have some internships open, but i have to warn you, our interns, well, i recommend to them that they get a good life insurance policy before they start... just in case...
|
040301
|
| |
... |
|
|
white_wave
|
i have Tuesday's off....
|
040301
|
| |
... |
|
|
white_wave_shouldnt_have_spoke
|
oh, i guess i shouldn't have crashed this one since i am not misstree. but there wasn't a blathe called blatherskite's_dubious_job
|
040301
|
| |
... |
|
|
sameolme
|
oh! misstree, I want a job! I can juggle
flaming briquettes with my toes while standing on my head! And I wouldn't take tuesdays off,(like some people I know, nudge nudge). I just bought a new insurance policy from Amalgamated Death and Destruction, I only have to pay them $10,000 if I die before 2005, but then each year after that it gets even cheaper!and,um,and oh yeah, I really like the smell of burning zombie brains. Theres a bunch of other reasons I'd be perfect for the job, but that part of my brain is kind of oozing out of my nostrils right now, I'll remember after I redigest... slurp, slurp , slurp......oh yeah, now I remember, I like to play with matches, ow!, and flaming zombies think I'm really kewl, or really hot or I don't know, but they do stare at me a lot.
Toadily yours, Smokey
|
040304
|
| |
... |
|
|
oldephebe
|
i'm almost asphyxiated from all of the hilarity..this is WAY funnier and hence preferable than the LULL ..er existing in this kinda constrained and striated lacunae of any coherent independant thought in 'the place that i am sitting and covertly typing' while on the companies dollar..the silence and cessation of independant thought that impels me to reflect soberly..on..anyway before my soul becomes saturated with pathetic self-pity and the dusk shadows start dripping from my eyes...this is a riot! this page...i don't know though.. the opening salvo seemed like some kind of dubious attempt at blather psuedonym deconstruction or something...anyway glad to see it has resolved into some pretty decent and flagrant funny asides..well maybe not asides..but god this page is funny!!!
|
040304
|
| |
... |
|
|
oldephebe
|
i'm almost asphyxiated from all of the hilarity..this is WAY funnier and hence preferable than the LULL ..er existing in this kinda constrained and striated lacunae of any coherent independant thought in 'the place that i am sitting and covertly typing' while on the companies dollar..the silence and cessation of independant thought that impels me to reflect soberly..on..anyway before my soul becomes saturated with pathetic self-pity and the dusk shadows start dripping from my eyes...this is a riot! this page...i don't know though.. the opening salvo seemed like some kind of dubious attempt at blather psuedonym deconstruction or something...anyway glad to see it has resolved into some pretty decent and flagrant funny asides..well maybe not asides..but god this page is funny!!!
wait i just re-read it..opening salvo was pretty much steeped in the Funny so..i sit woefully corrected
|
040304
|
| |
... |
|
|
minnesota_chris
|
explanation: miss tree's voice mail is something like "Human Combustion Research Labs, this is Tree, how may I direct your call?"
|
040304
|
| |
... |
|
|
misstree
|
that would be "thank you for calling human combustion research laboratories, tree speaking, how may i direct your call?"
and sameolme, you're hired... not that we can pay you, per se, but you can keep what you can scavenge from the corpses... sounds like you'd make a wonderful zombie wrangler, wanna give it a shot? ala dead_alive, we mostly keep 'em doped up on sedatives, don't want any deadly hangover mistakes, so it should be okay... and the flaming zombie department being so new and all, we're especially hungry (ahem) for someone who's enthused for the job, and maybe even has a bit of hands-on experience. plus, the last person that we put in that department nearly gagged on his own puke from the smell, so you'll do great!
(a bit off my game today, sorries)
|
040304
|
| |
... |
|
|
misstree
|
o ya... guess you pretty much nailed it, chris... well, ya've left me enough voicemails (i should know, i still have almost all of them saved 'cause they make me grin like an idiot), you should know...
|
040304
|
| |
... |
|
|
minnesota_chris
|
it's even better when they get a response :)
|
040305
|
| |
... |
|
|
bodylei
|
"good morning, this is the morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em"
"good evening, this is the mortician's office, you waste 'em, i paste 'em"
"good afternoon, budget funerals, you whack 'em, we stack 'em"
|
040305
|
| |
... |
|
|
misstree
|
way back in the day, when i was staying with a friend, my mother called and the friend answered "bob's morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em." my mom was calling to tell me my grandfather had died. she wasn't happy, but she wasn't as pyst as she could have been.
|
040305
|
| |
... |
|
|
realistic optimist
|
oh man i forgot about that incident
deadpan :|
*snicker*
deadpan :|
|
040306
|
| |
... |
|
|
Al
|
heh, heh
|
040420
|
| |
... |
|
|
sameolme
|
Oh Misstree!, Oh Misstree!
Oh I'm so glad your back, I've run out of lighter fluid and that really big
Zombie, the one we call Wartzina, well she had to go to the bathroom really bad, I mean really really bad, you know what I mean, so I gave her some extra
duct tape so she could hold it together till she got there but,......Oh Misstree!
Theres been some changes while you've been gone, Blather is now reserved for
"newslinks" from wannabe war reporters.
You should register with Mister KX and he'll issue you some khakis and a glossary of important word stuff, something about M+M's.
|
040812
|
| |
... |
|
|
minnesota_chris
|
project total chaos is going well, ma'am.
|
040812
|
| |
... |
|
|
misstree
|
so you abandoned project partial chaos, then? good. nothing in half-measures, i say.
and you tell that damn zombie to give you some more damn lighter fluid. right now. that's just rude.
and i'm just back half-assed for the moment, no real net connection, so you never know when to expect the spanish inquisition, or somesuch.
|
040812
|
