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meditation_journal
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unhinged
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on the cover of the spring issue of tricycle it says 'commit to sit: tricycle's 28-day meditation challenge'. i've had this magazine in my possession for awhile but in the past couple days i finally realized how much i need that, to commit to sit. when my self_mutilation, artistic as a tattoo might be, didn't get rid of what i wanted it to, it only brought me more of the same, i realized that i need to sit. i need to sit with myself as scary as that is and look at what is really inside of me.
so today i started.
1)
i did some prostrations. 'i bow to the buddhanature inside of all things.'
i took refuge in the triple jewel.
'namo gurubhay
namo buddhaya
namo dharmaya
namo sanghaya'
i said a mala to the green tara
'om tare tuttare ture svaha'
i said my own mantras
'my liberation is the liberation of all
my emptiness is the emptiness of all
my suffering is the suffering of all
my bliss is the bliss of all'
and then it happened. i tried to do some tonglen. some self tonglen to get rid of all my anger. and i couldn't do it. there was so much anger in me that my light was broken. i couldn't turn it on. and i started to weep. the only thing that i could concentrate on was the triple refuge. i tried this one also
'let me be the boat
the bridge
the ship
that carries all beings across the river of samasara'
but i am not ready to carry others right now. i could only concentrate on the triple refuge. i kept trying to do my tonglen but i could only weep. i don't know how or when but i smothered my light. i need to clean it off before i can use it again. i thought came to me 'why do i repeatedly do this to myself? i am doing something wrong. what am i doing wrong? what did i do wrong in the past?'
and i cried. wept. ugly noises that i tried to stiffle. i couldn't feel my light. i couldn't even turn it on. there is so much anger in me right now i can't even turn on my light. and much like my weeping buddha statue i huddled in a ball on the floor and only one thing would come out of my mouth:
'i'm sorry'
i'm sorry to the part of myself that wants to be happy that i keep smothering. i'm sorry to the part of myself i keep sabotaging with anger and hate. i'm sorry.
i think i can finally get rid of it now. i think i did something right today. i think my meditation was a total success today for the very first time. but i have so much purification to do before i can even start to change. it's a little daunting.
all i could concentrate on was the triple refuge. i cried. wept. letting out the ugly.
i'm sorry.
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070416
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unhinged
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2)
i am an ocean
deep inside i am still
the quiet after the storm
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070417
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.
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it gives you wiiings !
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070417
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unhinged
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3)
take refuge
1 mala each
om tare tuttare ture svaha
i am an ocean
deep inside i am still
i have to start doing this also before i go to sleep when i am not distracted about getting ready for work
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070418
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kuffsleeve
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be a Buddha and you won't have to go to work...
any work you will do will be pure pleasure...
you can plant your own seeds..
and listen to the stream.
read and right books and ony do the essentials.
then you will truely see the bird flying.
read the book "Siddhartha"
it's a short story - it's beautiful.
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070418
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unhinged
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i've read siddartha before. it is beautiful. i should get it back from him among my other belongs still in his closet.
the only good part about that stupid pizza shop job was i got to read a lot at work. and it used to piss the owner off to high hell when i really had nothing better to do but read on his dime.
4)
oops
a momentary lapse
(if i was actually doing the meditation challenge....sitting twice a day and no sex or drugs. i'm not sure if i could do that; the no drinking and smoking part that is)
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070419
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unhinged
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5) and 6)
oops oops
a couple more momentary lapses
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070421
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unhinged
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7) oops again
8)
prostrations
refuge
malas
dedication
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070423
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Angry
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i'm afraid to look for another tenant.
my black yoga mat went missing, i know it is just a yoga mat but it to me is like my shrine.. a place where i spand time with myself, when someone takes it away, i just feel sad.
you see You don't trust anyone C, but now i don't trust you... what is the meaning of the word hypocracy. I'm not accusing anyone. i'm not like that "thanks to my Mum"
actually my Mum is my best friend so if you talk about her like that, no matter what the situation... you can leave my party and slam the door behind you.
i'm calm most of the time, but people like you distract my meditation.
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070424
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