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live_or_die_but_don't_poison_everything
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Ouroboros
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thanks anne sexton
but the poison is seeping everywhere
and I don't know how to make it all better
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071216
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misstree
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don't worry about all,
just make little bits better.
it has more of an effect than you think.
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071216
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HereSaGuide
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HereSaGuide_ONE
1} Go vegan.
2} Ride bike 1 km farther than yesterday.
3} Maintain a bmi of 16
4} Buy less items, specifically from animals or anythings that's publically advertised.
5} Fast
6} Detox
7} Read one more page than yesterday.
8} Wear super lightweight clothing. lighten your average article of clothing by 5% per week OR your total clothing by 5% per week, continuously.
9} Discontinue use of all temperature regulating systems: a/c, heater, refridgerators, stoves.
0) Attain only used items.
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071216
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pete
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Or don't. It's really not in your best interest to follow those rules. At least in this season. Live smart, but live.
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071216
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:p
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SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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071217
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Ouroboros
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i try to keep busy
but my heart hurts
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071218
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fuffle
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eat some sweeties then, it usually helps me, i like the jelly pickn'mix ones, gummy bears and cola bottles, always carry a packet of love hearts around with you also just in case someone else's heart hurts. x
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071218
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Ouroboros
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Well, death's been here
for a long time --
it has a hell of a lot
to do with hell
and suspicion of the eye
and the religious objects
and how I mourned them
when they were made obscene
by my dwarf-heart's doodle.
The chief ingredient
is mutilation.
And mud, day after day,
mud like a ritual,
and the baby on the platter,
cooked but still human,
cooked also with little maggots,
sewn onto it maybe by somebody's mother,
the damn bitch!
Even so,
I kept right on going on,
a sort of human statement,
lugging myself as if
I were a sawed-off body
in the trunk, the steamer trunk.
This became perjury of the soul.
It became an outright lie
and even though I dressed the body
it was still naked, still killed.
It was caught
in the first place at birth,
like a fish.
But I play it, dressed it up,
dressed it up like somebody's doll.
Is life something you play?
And all the time wanting to get rid of it?
And further, everyone yelling at you
to shut up. And no wonder!
People don't like to be told
that you're sick
and then be forced
to watch
you
come
down with the hammer.
Today life opened inside me like an egg
and there inside
after considerable digging
I found the answer.
What a bargain!
There was the sun,
her yolk moving feverishly,
tumbling her prize --
and you realize she does this daily!
I'd known she was a purifier
but I hadn't thought
she was solid,
hadn't known she was an answer.
God! It's a dream,
lovers sprouting in the yard
like celery stalks
and better,
a husband straight as a redwood,
two daughters, two sea urchins,
picking roses off my hackles.
If I'm on fire they dance around it
and cook marshmallows.
And if I'm ice
they simply skate on me
in little ballet costumes.
Here,
all along,
thinking I was a killer,
anointing myself daily
with my little poisons.
But no.
I'm an empress.
I wear an apron.
My typewriter writes.
It didn't break the way it warned.
Even crazy, I'm as nice
as a chocolate bar.
Even with the witches' gymnastics
they trust my incalculable city,
my corruptible bed.
O dearest three,
I make a soft reply.
The witch comes on
and you paint her pink.
I come with kisses in my hood
and the sun, the smart one,
rolling in my arms.
So I say Live
and turn my shadow three times round
to feed our puppies as they come,
the eight Dalmatians we didn't drown,
despite the warnings: The abort! The destroy!
Despite the pails of water that waited,
to drown them, to pull them down like stones,
they came, each one headfirst, blowing bubbles the color of cataract-blue
and fumbling for the tiny tits.
Just last week, eight Dalmatians,
3/4 of a lb., lined up like cord wood
each
like a
birch tree.
I promise to love more if they come,
because in spite of cruelty
and the stuffed railroad cars for the ovens,
I am not what I expected. Not an Eichmann.
The poison just didn't take.
So I won't hang around in my hospital shift,
repeating The Black Mass and all of it.
I say Live, Live because of the sun,
the dream, the excitable gift.
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080701
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Ouroboros
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anne_sexton
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080721
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In_Bloom
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I saw the pic your posted of those pitiful circles
Three circles
One for Optimism/Love
One for Pessimism/Dying
One linking the other two- you?
Is that your reward for turning on me?
Fuck you then and swelter in your choice, whoever she is
With me you had... well I guess you didn't see it that way, did you?
What a shame and you're supposed to be so brilliant
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080813
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Syrope
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haha sounds like my work philosophy. so many times this summer i've wanted to take people by the shoulders and be like "look. either do it right or just leave it alone and i'll do it. stop halfway doing everything and hiding little errors for me to find. i am not your babysitter"
maybe death and poison are too strong of terms for the day-to-day, but some days...
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080814
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tail-devouring snake
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not so simple
who i am is
less and more
than the carefully constructed
and now decimated ego
what is left is the actions and wishes
thoughts and feelings
of people present and not present
and a robust body
with a tired eye
weak nerves
i pour my love out into her
every day
and in the moments when i have
nothing left
i am nothing left
skin_and_bones
weary soul
sharp tongue
offering the vestiges of my worst
the worst mimicry of the same
tired angry words my parents yelled
no one tells you
don't go for your dreams
you think it's your dream
but it's really the
biological programming for
survival
your vagina wants to reproduce
at any price
guess what
the price is your life
whoops. too little too late.
false_dreams
offer nothing
and now
life_is_pain
so live by dragging around that
sawed-off corpse of yourself
dressing your puppet body
playing your roll
dead inside
or leave
there's nothing to poison
all is poison
all is nothing
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160507
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worthless
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I don't want to die. But how do I live without poisoning everything?
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160507
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tail-devouring snake
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i live because i want to live
i live because i will not give
Them the satisfaction of seeing me
do anything but succeed and be happy
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160529
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tail-devouring snake
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i live because ancestral trauma is not mine
i live because family dynamics are simply that
i live because i am alive
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160529
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tail-devouring snake
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I don't want to die, I just want myself back,
my life back. Undo her, this place, everything, even him, I would give up. There is nothing here but what's here. Not happiness. It's harder. The responsibility. Being in relationship because of obligation. I would take it all back, trade it all for who I was and where I might have headed. I want to live. I don't want to move forward in this life- this shouldn't be my life. So I poison my marriage. I take being a person who is where she wants to be. And soon I will throw myself into my work, blessed distraction. I am poison.
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160822
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flowerock.
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light shines in the darkness, darkness can't hide the light, it can only wait to be reached.
How much time do we get after the poison to find the anecdote?
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160822
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tail-devouring snake
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it's the strangest thing,
but i keep finding that Jung was correct:
the greater my light
the great my shadow
always dancing between stage
and backstage, lighting my perception
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160824
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tail-devouring snake
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each day I am the messenger of hope
the mirror of kindness and growth
not all nights but this night
i weep
an empty shell
a broken shell
my vessel is breaking
enduring not for a single moment more
but the betrayal of health
I'll live till I am taken
living in this heavy world
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191206
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tail-devouring snake
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anne sextons poetry of madness
is more concrete than anything right now
no one to touch
I touch the lines of her poem of rage
fragment self
I ground
I must be totally mad
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191206
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unhinged
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step_lightly
the buddha on my back touches the earth in witness
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191207
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