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So I'm going to get some things out. Just to get them out.
Top on my list of worries thoughts and paranoias is the thought that once again I find myself on the outside of a group people who swear I'm an amazing person. WTF is up with that?
Dave once told me that he's the coolest person he knows until I show up. Is that it? Am I overdoing me? Is that possible? Is it possible that the people around me can only take me in doses before they have to hang out somewhere where they don't feel outshone? Lord knows I'm not trying to outshine anyone. I'm just trying to express a soul that's been repressed for a very long time. I'm just trying to wash the "You're worthless" off; the residues of spiritual rape. I'm sorry if that makes people feel less accomplished. That's never my intention. My intention is only to help..to entertain and to figure out exactly who I am and relearn how to be that person. Then again..it could be that they're all lying to me to save my feelings and I suck to hang out with.
I find myself less and less inclined to deal with people who want to argue about pointless petty shit. (Here's a touch of irony.) I'm tired as fuck of people who just want to bitch about little First World problems; who will get up in arms over the guy whose radio is too loud, but will immediately say "No politics." if you bring up the state of our world and our country. Tired of these motherfuckers like I've never been tired before.
No, I do NOT care to argue with you for 25 minutes over whether or not your drunk ass said the thing you just said 20 minutes ago. I know you said it and your brain is currently addled with poison, so you don't remember it. You said it. Get over it, and try to remember what's coming out of your piehole next time instead of trying to waste another 20 minutes of my life over your inability to cope with your own. Thanks.
Why no, Cliff Clavin, I do not care to debate with you over whether that dog is an American Pitbull Terrier or an American Bulldog. I realize that you are unaware of the existence of the internet and hark back to the days when, lacking reference materials (or books of any kind really, knowing you), you and your friends would sit around burning hour after hour engaged in meaningless debate over the most trivial matters.
Those days are gone. Here in the 21st Century, our cars fly, the food comes in tablet form and we have any amazing thing called Wikipedia, a compendium of human knowledge constantly added to and edited by the human race. The need to fritter our days away arguing endlessly with know-it-all-dipshits-who-know-little has been replaced with the need to fritter them away browsing porn and shopping online. Get with the times and get out of my ear with that shit. Thanks.
Does anyone do what they say they will anymore? Or has the human race truly become covered in a thick, slimey layer of insincerity? I don't want you to stroke my ego, dipshit. And I certainly don't want you wasting my time because you lack integrity, fortitude or concern for anyone else's time. I simply want data I can count on. Information that isn't taking up space in my brain for no reason other than because someone couldn't bring themselves to fill that space with truth.
Why not try saying what you mean and being where you say? Why not say "No thanks, I can't make it" rather than waste someone's time (that they set aside to accommodate you)? Here's a thought: How about COMMUNICATING instead of just flapping your gums and filling the world with worthless information? If I want to watch lips flap pointlessly, saturating the air with garbage that has no connection to reality, I can watch Fox News.
I'm still a little bitter about how my children treated me. All of them, particularly David. He told me I was selfish. This while he texted his way through our vacation as I tried to engage him. This while he bitched about me not having college money for him (as though I hadn't preached what a brain-funnelling mind-fuck I believe the education system is for most of his life.) This after I spent 18 years taking care of his selfish, lunatic mother, immigrating his step-sisters, working my way for 11 years up a career ladder I rarely cared to climb. This after I came home from 8 hour days to an empty home. Abandoned because bellies were full and friends were calling. I'm sorry. Selfish? No. It's my turn motherfuckers. You'd think you'd be happy for me. Noop.
I suffered a vocal hemorrhage. Never saw a doctor for it. It seems to be getting better, but I have a hard time doing the whole "vocal rest" thing. I think the band's getting a bit impatient because summer's going to be flying by. Hope not..I really love jamming with these guys.
You know, I've had myofascial pain syndrome for about 14 years now. It's excruciating muscular pain with every breath I take. You get used to it...sort of. Since last October, I've had a 4 inch bone splinter in my arm. They didn't take it out in the emergency room, instead sending me to a specialist whose office fee I couldn't keep paying. It hurts like hell. And where I used to be able to play guitar for hours on end. Now I'm good for about 5 songs in a row (trying to get that to 9 so I can play sets.) I get tired easily, and my right arm is starting to go too, because it's been burdened with twice the work now that the left is injured.
The pain's pretty fierce if I push, pull or lift anything with weight or resistance to it. I'm pretty much done for the sort of work I used to be able to pick up quickly. (Didn't stop me from doing 3 back to back 15 hour days remodeling the shed..by myself. I'm shooting for my "badass" merit badge. I hear that Chuck Norris presents it to you if you get one.)
I don't bring all of this up to whine about my pain. I bear it all reasonably well, cracking jokes most of the time to keep my spirit's up.
Here's the point: STFU about your stubbed toe and your sunburn or the splinter in your finger unless you'd like to hear about my daily woes (or rub my fucking back while you're complaining.) I may care, but I don't want to hear about it more than once. I try to muffle my little moans, groans and whimpers for EVERYONE'S sanity. You do the same.
There that's all of the negative, paranoid shit I had to get out. Thanks for reading.
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