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counterentity
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there are times i wish i were someone else. someone more ept, more capable. when i was a child, i constantly questioned my parents on their decision to come to america. to have thrown away what seemed to be so much to gain so very little. i could not understand what was so unique about this land that seemed all too foreign.
growing up, i sometime wished i went to different schools. had chosen to take different classes. had developed a different persona than the one i currently have. around me, i saw people my age going out on weekends, enjoying what was supposedly the "prime of our lives."
reflecting back, however, i realized that if i were to take away all the things i had so longed to escape from, everything currently in my life would be fake. a tainted lie in a life lived in hypocrisy. i would not have the wonderful memories i have. nor the friends to share and laugh the same jokes with. and above all, i probably would not have had the same God to depend on.
indeed, happiness, well JOY, comes from within the self. from the joy that others lend to you. from the joy of talking to the one you love to simply spending time with the One above.
i think i've matured greatly as a christian these past couple months. from the ignorant, apathetic individual to the repenting, inquistive soul. yet all the while, i still question my faith in Him. i question my love and my willingness to express this love for him. i don't want to be the half-hearted christian that taints god's name. i don't want to be the devil's advocate. i want to live a life in Him.
but what if i'm not ready for this life?
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