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i'm_not_leaving_you
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re_alisma
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I'm just not being nearly so amalgamated.
And I don't want no bum deal for anyone. I don't know. Don't burn down my childhood home!
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110415
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re_alisma
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The night was between my readings of a Doris Lessing novel that was disturbing in That Way, and my excuse is that there were things that were incommunicable yet couldn't be kept away.
It can surely be argued that I would be better off without Doris Lessing. I get the feeling, though, that if you start with her, you shouldn't stop, out of your own self-respect and need for assurance that you are effectively keeping yourself away from the places you ought not go.
You have every reason in the world to "leave" me. Out of self-respect, shouldn't you be taking every opportunity? Doesn't that make sense? I'm good at making problem-solving fun, but they are still problems. I think there is a bit of a morass.... it's still highly interesting, stimulating, all that, but is it worth leaving? uh, y e s.
it doesn't make me cry..... it makes me think I should mostly work on the improvements, leave speculation aside.
yeah, you shouldn't even be listening. it does make me cry, a little... A kind of angry baby cry... assuaged by knowledge that this is in large part my fault and doing by just trying to stand up for myself and survive. Or thrive. I'm closer to "success" but I am still very far away. I can promise it but, you know, "many moons".
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110416
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unhinged
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i just can't talk to you or see you anymore.
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110416
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re_alisma
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i guess i will probably leave you.
so i guess i will put you on the list of tragedies and start to mourn properly.
it was not superficial to me, but i kind of get the feeling that you might have (mostly) meant it to be. but only because that's what was appropriate for you and it is understandable, but it is now making me feel like a bit of an idiot. i can't even tell at what point i would have "asked for it" though. so i don't know. don't worry about it. it's not really a problem of yours, these missteps and misemotions i do.
life is great. life is awful. it's not that i'm not living it. so i should put an end to listening to those that think that i don't.... i am trying, and i make a lot of progress.... it's great. it's really awful. so: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.... may you live with a million t-squares someday, too. no, actually i'm not like that, that "see how you'd feel" tactic. may you get happy combos which you deserve. may i not believe in any more savior-itises directed at those that need catching with it.
it might also be that i'm just scared out of my mind right now. if i was of service, it is good that i can feel like i'm valued as a contributor in whatever way that actually works. it might be that i was used, but how can one be useful without being used? yes of course it must be both ways.
i think it might be high time to let the high/low point start to fade away. perhaps i'll think and grieve and grieve and think and grieve grieve think. i will make sure i resolve to be mostly grateful about what was so very good in it and just call the dark spots the product of some crazy-making nutcases.
i was thinking today: I can sometimes have too much of a "can-do" attitude. that's good, but i always overshoot everything. boo on me. i probably totally deserve this. and on some levels, it is just a product of trying to save money, putting all the eggs into this one basket... not diversifying.... yeah that was probably a lot of it. not the first time that that's the main issue, either. i'm kind of dumb and moth-flamey, sometimes. that's definitely true. so now i have something to cry over out of grief, and also out of me being not-very-smart. hopefully i will spend some time on it, too, so i get what's good (the acceptance and the lesson) out of it. i just didn't have quite the resources to sustain this any further. the full moon drained out all my hope. (cries) THAT CHIRON HURTS TOO MUCH. i had no hope of surviving this merc retro/ full moon on natal chiron thing. none. zilcho.
blather readers might wonder why it's important that i document my emotions on blather. well, it's totally important. not that i think i want to do it anymore, but it IS important to do so. if you knew more of the relevant details, i think you would hate me if i didn't. so the vindication is there but for it to be social, people would have to believe in it. and i already know that they don't, so do my grieving and move on to my next feat of spirit.
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110416
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