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jane
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i got way too drunk again last night. i didn't do anything foolish except steal two glasses from the beerhouse. they should have given them to us by then, i think we had probably paid for about 50 or so.
but then this morning, that guilt feeling, sinking in... and i miss him so i call him and tell him that nothing bad happened, but i still feel horrible. i feel like i'm confessing my sins (and he is ordained) but i am not being forgiven. all i want is for him to say, "you_are_forgiven," but he ends up telling me how many times he has heard all this before, and asks me when am i going to just_stop.
i tell him i know why i do it, it's because i don't want to deal with anything. and these things that i have to deal with, none of them are even that tangible. work is awful - i feel like even though i'm getting a lot done, i'm not actually DOING anything. like this eternal hamster wheel of cubicle work. adding numbers, making sure that they match. all that and then the loneliness on top. veiling everything like a fine net, not allowing anything to pass through.
he tells me he's been down that road before, and it has no end.
and i still feel guilty, but i'm going to take it easy this weekend. smoke a couple cloves, take the dog out on walks, read, stay in and drink hot cocoa and watch an old movie. things that used to make me feel good. i'm not getting anything done anyways, i might as well have a good time doing it.
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