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delial
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Underneath the water, its displaced sky blue speckled with white and shadows, the cool silence enveloping.
A sudden quiet pulled over the laughter of kids and chatter of adults.
It's during that dive into my thoughts, skimming the bottom of the pool like some aquatic daydream,
that I lose myself in the lack of sound. The breath caught in my lungs. Pulling myself through the water, away from my worries.
It's a beautiful thing. I don't think of your face, or your eyes. I don't think of your hand, beautiful in my own.
I don't think of how relaxed and soft you move, the way you speak, the way you smile at me that way.
I don't think about how far away you are, or how I never know how you feel about anything.
I don't think about how you complained about things one minute,
and the next minute told me how I made the time we spent together so wonderful.
I don't think about your contradictions, no, and I don't think about whether or not the good side is true or the bad side.
I don't think about what that means, I don't let any hope blossom in my chest,
I don't think about anything except getting across the pool over and over again.
I think about the top of my head breaking through the water, followed by my intake of breath, wiping my eyes,
and turning around to do it all over again. I exhaust myself doing this. The pool is where I forget about you for awhile.
The pool is where I can get away. The pool is where I can hide from my feelings for awhile.
Or ignore them, anyway. When I'm swimming, I can forget that I need you and miss you.
When I'm swimming, I can ignore that I don't know how things are.
Or how I want them to be.
Or that I just want to bury my face in your shirt and wrap my arms around you and feel your hands on my back.
I forget all of it when I'm under the water thinking of taking my next breath so I can turn back around and go back the way I came.
It's a circle I can lose myself in. It's my emotional vacation.
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