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IKC 56-80 i'm sitting here, post-homework.

i still don't have the nerve to tell her and it's drivin me nuts.

i've dropped hints,

complicating things more, one of our old friends who moved away a couple of years ago just moved back a couple of weeks ago and now, in spite of whatever there is of whatever she's got going with her guy, it looks as if something's beginning to happen between them

so now i'm not just chickenshit, i'm getting jealous too

and as for our bud whose return is complicating things for me, well, he and i were real tight up til just before he moved away and then we had a falling out. he went off on some weird tear totally the hell out of left field where he ripped on all of us for a variety of reasons, and he's still pissed at me because i was the only one to call bullshit on it. as if any of us had anything to do with his dad taking some fucked up job out of state.
(or the subsequent messy divorce that brought him and his mom back here)

i've been sick all week
i stayed in.

everybody's called me, but i still feel out of the loop, the other two have figured it out about me but they haven't said anything

from what they didn't tell me and the way they avoided going into detail about what they've been up to all week it sounded like something was going on

so here i sit, post-homework talking to this blue and white screen about how my lack of a little courage to admit what's going on in my head and my heart is gonna find me stuck out in the cold

a cloud hangs over me
marks every move
++ joy_division twenty_four_hours ++
021113
...
IKC 56-80 it's almost 4:30 am and i can't sleep

i finally told her and she just kinda gave me a funny look and i didn't know how to take that so i have been confused and terrified since friday night and i tried to call her but froze everytime i reached the phone and hoped she'd call me but she hasn't

i'm sorry if anyone thinks this is pathetic, it probably is, but i feel like a turtle that has been flipped on its back right now because i got the impression from the look in her eyes that she's probably more interested in our prodigal classmate

please someone_give_me_a_grant_to_invent a fucking time machine

she was starting to get closer to me before he showed up and now...

it's a breezy 45°F outside and i am sitting naked at my desk here in my bedroom with the window open, and my muscles feel like i'm turning to stone here in my chair

the pain of the chill is the only thing making me sure i'm alive
021118