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every_year_a_new_life
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xorf
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It's a thing, realizing your age. Realizing the many lives you've already lived. Knowing all that you don't remember.
Here, now, is an easier place to be. Knowing it doesn't get easier for everyone.
Honing down the knitty bits of a nit picking personality. A problem solving proclivity.
But there's an older voice in the head that has more power now. It says "go to sleep, you'll need it for the morning."
And I listen.
I say, "Yes, I have lived many days. I have tried many ways of not sleeping. Now, I will sleep."
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120604
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unhinged
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when i contemplate who i was, who i am, where and why, all the regret tossed in with the few tiny victories, my head swims. i get dizzy.
every minute i breathe is another minute of confusion
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120605
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xad
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There's a thin line between recognizing your past and reliving it, no?
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120606
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unhinged
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well that's why i moved 1700 miles away; to start over. im getting faster at cutting problems off at the root
but there are personality traits i have that seem to be damn near unchangeable
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120606
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no reason
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i moved to vancouver for similar reasons
but as much as i enjoyed new scenery, new people, and a new lifestyle, i couldn't escape myself
"wherever you go, there you are"
(sort of simultaneously frustrating and comforting)
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120607
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xedla
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For me, much of my internal change, though intended, happened through being semi-forced by circumstances. Teaching really forced me to take better care of myself, taught me how to keep my shit together, make crappy days into good days, and be way more patient and understanding. More recently I had been wanting to stop being so judgmental, and I got practiced at it by taking a coaching training class required by my graduate program. And having a kid, being poly, every relationship has taught me something.
I've always been changing. Just now that I'm older, and I've had a lot more chances to see the different ways things can play out, I have a lot more patience for myself. I'm never going to be perfect.
I might always be shy, but I can keep getting closer and closer to achieving my social desires. I might always be critical, but I can get better and better at quieting the critical voice when it's not helping (and noticing when it's hurting).
I feel a lot of freedom to make the kind of life I want.
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120607
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elxad
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I used to agonize over decisions
I vaguely remember being in the toy store as a child, just unable to choose. How can you choose when you can't predict the future?
Exactly so, but not. How can you agonize over making the right decision when you don't know the future?
Amateur science. All science is amateur science.
Very few decisions lead to death.
There's no wrong decision. Just more of the story.
should_I_stay_or_should_i_go? Do you want to master one instrument, or do want to taste as many flavors as possible?
It matters/doesn't matter, is temporary, etc.
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121005
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unhinged
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and i'm not sure how to improve it
regret
despair
loneliness
always the same old
echoing_thought
maybe it isn't new at all
maybe its just a slightly different version of
the_same_tired_old_story
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121006
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