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hsg
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I have a chance in the morning to write what I remember. Lessons. Angles. Insights. prayers_answered if I just had enough energy to pay_attention to them.
I'm greeted with a foreign idea, context, or syntax. And I'm looking at it as if peering through a pinhole in the wall of a cabin. On the other side I strain to make out this overwhelming light and detail of an answer I can barely stand even a moment's glance. A second is out_of_the_question. Here I am always faced with the same question:
Do You Want To Give Enough Energy To Pay Attention To This?
And it's fierce. And it wants to help me but I burn out too quick. It sits patiently as an ascended_master ready to offer ten_thousand_offerings without the slightest hint of frustration or disapproval of any kind. Sometimes I get it and that's all fine. But there_it_is_again. I can hold it long enough to consider it, but so much it asks of me that the moment I say, "no" my mind will not allow me to consider it a second time. And this is important. It's part of it.
I can metaphorm (r) it. Yes. I will do that. I can see a face. It is awake. I know for certain that it cannot be deceived nor could I have a reason to. A question is asked, "Are_you_ready?" I_am_not fully conscious of how I know what this pertains to but it doesn't matter because I am certain I know that to which he's referring. It seems contradictory but appropriate. I see his face clearly as I have a million times before. It's the same face from so long ago, longer than I remember myself even. I say "no" and he disappears. Eyes hurt a little and there's a sweetness in my head that's a little too_much. Every part of my body aches then endorphins rush in. a moment of gratitude because I was about to cry from the overwhelm. another_day dawning on me. Rolling over I go to answer my phone but only realize it wasn't the phone.. I wanted to ask him again what it was he was trying to ask me. I bury my head, shut my eyes tight as I can and pray for the courage to forget everything I ever knew so that that place can find me again.
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