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smurfus rex
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I say postpone your plans for suicide. You say you don't know if there is a god. Now is the time to find out. Begin a journey for knowledge and explore the teachings of other religions. You don't necessarily have to subscribe to any of them, just research them. Like you're doing a book report, y'know? Examine them under the light of objectivity or, if you prefer, through the lens of Christianity and see what you find. There is so much to discover on a quest like this that premature death would be vastly disappointing. See what you can dig up about:
Christianity and Gnosticism
Islam and Sufism
Judaism and Kabbalah
Paganism and Wicca
Buddhism and Zen
Hinduism and Sikhism
Zoroastrianism
Find the arguments for and against each one and explore the offshoot topics that are attached to them. When you've made it through the list, then you can revisit your thoughts on suicide and see if that's something you still want to consider.
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