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Soma
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It is almost humorous.
I thought we were in love.
But finding myself here, lying next to you, feeling cold and distant as a child being carried away from the beach in the ocean currents.
Realizing what I have for you is not love, but some strange emotion. Something between a person who takes in a cat, and a doctor who cures children in Africa. Something more of my own determination to prove myself to me, to overcompensate for my parents sins, than my own.
I tried so hard to make things work...
I thought I could make myself love someone. And now after all this time, to find myself here cold and disillusioned. Is this jaded?
I know I am breaking your heart. I can hear you crying with every muffled beat. Like the desperate struggle of a bird against a merciless cat. I am that cat, and you, the poor bird.
You never even knew what hit you.
So I'm sitting here. Trying to figure out how to tell you that I am not in love with you. Trying to figure out how to keep you from hurting. Trying to figure out if I can love anyone. And more than anything else, trying to figure out if the one person I ever thought I had a shot with can forgive me for how much I hurt him.
I was mistaken.
And I am so, so sorry.
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080524
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