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Risen
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Twelve years ago, a friend asked me why I was so into this new girl. Why she was so important. Whether this girl was worth all the possible trouble and conflict. The angst and the pain. I said I was in love.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in the dark of my shed, my safe place. On the phone. A friend whose name was Kim – god, I haven’t thought of her in years. She told me to close my eyes. She told me about a thought experiment called “the choice”. She said:
“Imagine you are in the centre of a dark room, highlighted by a spotlight. Then see all your friends and family at one end of the room. Then imagine this girl at the other end of the room. Who would you choose?”
I told her that this girl was worth losing it all. Worth going through it all for.
A few days later, I asked the girl to do the same thought experiment. I remember where I was – walking near the pier in Bournemouth. I told her I had a bad history, that I hurt people, that I wanted to change but didn’t know how. That I wasn’t worth it.
She said “I’d choose my Fallen Angel – just because your past was bad doesn’t mean your future has to be.”
The funny thing is, that she made the wrong choice then. She shouldn’t have chosen me. I did hurt her. So I guess that all the times since, when she’s chosen everyone else but me… those are valid choices. The only time I was chosen, I was not worthy.
So how do I feel now? Twelve years later? Would I still make the same choice? We know she wouldn’t. But would I?
That’s a hard question. I know that I wouldn’t ever want to hurt her again, like I did. But would I choose to have never loved her at all? I’d like to say yes. To say that I’d rather have never known her than to have hurt her. I know the mistakes I made then are why I will never be chosen now. But given the choice again… I would love her again. Always, and forever.
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