bulimic_procedure


	bulimic_procedure
sixteen	++ a jerk of the neck up through each separate bone that makes up my spine like a long chain of knuckles, clenching into a fist. ++ acrid, wrong, filthy, it comes spilling out, screaming like angry obscenities, burning as everything rewinds; moving backwards, swallowing backwards. ++ clean, pure, empty, free. I am alone within myself, clinging to the white of independence, the solitude of happiness.	030602
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endless desire	for me it is simple now. my body no longer needs me to think about where i am going, what i need to get. . .the procedure. im a master of the procedure. far too familiar with the damn procedure. its just going through motions like you might to brush your teeth or pour a bowl of cereal. you see, it starts with a bowl from under the stove and a handful of napkins with a bottle of water ((that i never drink but always get)) i collect the quilt near the couch and hang it on the nails cross my window finding the music i play a song i do not enjoy so i will not ruin one that i do. [i hate bad memories, i have far too many] it must be loud nearly blaring--so that no one will hear i sit on my knees and tease my throat. . . within a few songs my job is done. i feel so clean. and releaved and comforted. i have done the right thing. it is what i deserve. a little shaky but never scared. i am not weak i can do this. i have accomplished this, understand? i am not weak. i can handle it. it is not hurting me. i am not weak. i am just going through the motions. this is what i need. this is what i deserve. dont eat. dont ruin what youve accomplished. oh but the circle starts again. and it never ends. once again, i am trapped. i live my whole life trapped. but at least i dont use the trashcans anymore.	030602
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seventeen	Its not sad to me anymore. its not wrong, its just there. I always feel too full. feeling fat isn't such an issue, its just feeling too full.	040522

what's it to you?	blather
who go	from