_an_anonymous_journal_for


	_an_anonymous_journal_for_all
.	.	200212
	...
Twitch	What a day. Someone took the time to make spin-off journals. And in doing so - here is a Journal for everyone.	200213
	...
falling_alone	I fell in love with the one I loved before! Maybe this is a real relationship! Or maybe I’m falling into the same toxic patterns! I don’t know! The only thing I do know is that I’m drunk in his home while he’s away and I want us to see a therapist. Don’t worry, he knows all this too. Fuck, I love him. Fuck Valentine’s Day. I’m going gay dancing tomorrow with my crush.	200213
	...
falling_alone	we never saw that therapist. still together. i'm still in his home alone. if its him. I think its still him. yes. right before we locked in together i wrote that. this valentine's day, he was there again. this time i was home with cat. who was my crush then? is the relationship defined... by a pandemic by buying DIY A-frame cabin plans by picking up a street cat by buying new linens to replace the ones from his divorce. by holidays with his family shared bills shared roof shared bed what is shared commitment?	220222
	...
Twitch	Unreal - this whole thing was somehow deleted? Time to plant the seeds that I saved.	220419
	...
Twitch	Unreal - this whole thing was somehow deleted? Time to plant the seeds that I saved.	220419
	...
Twitch	_an_anonymous_journal_for_all_to_see Dreamer Ladies and gentleman! Step right up! Witness the trials and tribulations of a typical (or, as i would like to think, not so typical) 16 year old male...(soon to be 17 on June 23.) -------------------------------------- It's nice putting my life on display (or parts of it at least) I can pretend to be noticed...YAY! 050414 ... Moon Ladies and gentleman! Step right up! Witness the trials and tribulations of a typical (or, as i would like to think, not so typical) 16 year old male...(soon to be 17 on June 23.) -------------------------------------- It's nice putting my life on display (or parts of it at least) I can pretend to be noticed...YAY! damn....i should put this under a different name...dreamer 's been done... 050414 ... Twitch Fuck...i have underestimated peoples choices in names.... hmmmmmmmmmm this ones too cool,,,someone most have thought of it... Twitch 050414 ... delial heh, do what I do! click on someone's blather name, then erase their name from the url and substitute a name you think up, and keep doing that unti you find one that doesn't exist(yet). =P 050414 ... Twitch today was a day................ Ok...Gym makeups are given by a short (somewhat angry sounding) old guy name Mr. ROss...so (since i forgot my gym clothes one day, and i wanted to try and get a good grade) i came. 12 laps around the gym..... then Ross wanted me to wait...for a pretty girl so that we could do the next exercizes together 1 rite after another......... 100 jumping jacks:....I managed... 25 pushups: it was tough...but i did it) 25 sit ups: bad...but not too bad. 25 more push ups:ARRRRRDGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! KILL MEEE!!!!!!!1 (i finally came to a point where i couldn't even think about the girl.. my arms wouldn't move..i tried as hard as a good and barely moved... Now as if god still wasn't being entertained enough...I let out a small.....well....... errrrrrr....i ripped one. I don't know if anyone noticed....(i hope not)..it could have been confused with a number of other noises. I finally finished the pushups...only to have........................ Another 25 situps: THIS Was Killer (though maybe not as bad as the push-ups) Finally! 25 alternate toe touches: These werent too bad... Me being REALLY thirsty and worn out when i did'em made them way harder...but still doable. DAMN...when i got home, I just CRASHED/......... P.S. I'm not a Really fat kid either...these were just really hard for me... P.P.S. here's some pix from myspace... http://profiles.myspace.com/users/14818845 (i like to pretend someone'll look :-) http://profiles.myspace.com/users/14818845 050414 ... Twitch work....shit........4 eyes cascading down,,,,,,,,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm perpetual bliss ..................engulf.................... ctrllllllll alt delelleledl;safcasfapodsakdopsdsfjef maybe i wasnt meant to be here.... but then....was anything meant to be... please...i wanna be something....i really do........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz --------------------------------------- translation: nite all 050414 ... Twitch Fuck.................. a D+ in Sci- fi.... The class seemed like a total joke.. techinically...grades arent due until Wednsday..there's still time... College?...I'm gonna have to do it.... just dont know how.................. I dont do any extracurecular activities....A's and B's seemed good enough...but the potential for this and a C in mathe isnt too promising....... I'll keep that suger-coated dream of "making it" in the back of my head...(with music) ooooo................someone said i sing good today.... but than i made a comment about how i wasnt singing good to someone else that day and they didnt stop me......I'm so paranoid.................................. weave weave SMASH ! ------------------------------- 050415 ... Twitch the 4th eye doesn't move//...not with me looking............................................................ But its ok I'll wait sometime yet again when GOd has time. ------------------------------------------Stitched my mout to an open car................................Got drunk at a 2 cent bar.................................... ------------------------------------------------------im tired but idk....i like doing this.........................................so remember its not what you do in life that makes you, it's what you taste.....................mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 050416 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl hi twitch. i went on the link you posted. at least you know that one person is reading this. smiles and waves 050417 ... Twitch Awesome...someone read this. Thanks goth girl----------------------- --------------------------------------- 050417 ... Twitch errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......................................went to a party yesterday........................................errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg.......................it was (PG)................(Parents were upstairs)..........................ergggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg..............................I had my moment, played my guitar, and harmonica, and sang about fucking, Christopher Reeves.......Jewish people.........funny stuff....(My close friends know me as a "five minute God"),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,..................................errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...................................cute girl(s)...............................................i flirted a bit..................................................................but in the end. i felt a bit like a loner 050417 ... Twitch drink from the cup..... their eyes are.... beautiful "Child knows what he's talkin' about" If they could only imagine.... Through omnicient vapors of water...and jazz......blazing with streetlights, and the warm smell of nocturnal departure from......shit....what is it.... That thing that bumps in the night.....you know......ya must......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm/?? well maybe we're all puppets anyway///// --------------------------------------- errrrrrrrrrrrrGGG gots a report to conquer..... 050417 ... Twitch there's this prett girl i met at a weekend camp in upstate newyork... yea ill try not to get my hopes up... i mean i havent seen her since it (like almost a week ago) and probably won't for a while... Not that she's that far from me...it jus probably won't happen. i can pretend though... damn...right now there are children dieing, murderers killing, lovers fucking (not the most poetic word but it gets the job done ;-) ) and all i'm thinking about is some girl who i'll probably not even talk to in a year.... --------------- but hey............... thats life. -4/28/05 12:20am----- on a school night 050428 ... TWITCh Jamican men rummage through his belongings......4 and a half years... and this is where it's all gone... the poor bastard can't even walk straight..."i'm not drunk,,,,,,i dsofdfddj;fidsjf;dfg" he can't talk...he can hardly function...a third eye emerges from a vast sea of.. black COFFEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mmmmm,,,,,,,,, Colombian.......... not that i car it just so.....so caffenated..... yea yea YeaYEA yEYAYEYAYEYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill drink to that! and to another child of GOd 11! -end- 050428 ... Twitch God loves us...---Remember the third eye.... Osiris is watching love loves lover loving lovingly lovely drink a cup stitch a tag in your arm so that all my know... Prophesize to the mountains (the don't listen anyway.) Dream DreamDREAMDREAM ill dream it to an end....and end it in a dream... Free to flip their halos from underneith the sun.......... --------------------------------------- SO i workk at SHoprite,,,this girl who doesn't even know me for ME asked that i not charge her for some Milkshakes... She doesn't like me (in fact I think she thinks I'm a bit of a joke) I didn't charge her...Peer Pressure I guess... 050429 ... Twitch 5/1/05 Essays and shit to do..... god smiled at me the other day...he had nice teeth...and a nice toupe.....thoroughly enticing. anyone wanna be my muse...? wake up, coffee, eat, get sad,get a little happy, sleep...DREAMING all the way through... i barely have anyone... I'm offff adderall... 050501 ... that dude i've been sick for about 4 days now, i feel especially shitty today though it seems it's just a cold - it sure doesn't feel like it. i have decided to change my life drastically - decided this two days ago: i am going back to school and this time i will become an anthropologist. right. well, that's the plan but as it turns out, i am not rich and so i can't pay for tuition (which is sooo absurdly expensive), therefore i have to get a loan from the government, the problem is that i already have a loan with them and the chances of getting another one are ...unlikely. i've decided to do whatever i can to get the dollars, so we'll see. ...what lese, oh yeah, still single and my cat took another shit on the kitchen floor, better go clean it up. 050501 ... Twitch wow...the journal has been expanded by someone elses stories..thank you sir... (I have an essay to do on the Patriot Act, about 7 pages...due tommorrow of course......) --damn 050501 ... twitch i hope im good at singing. im pretty sure im decent on guitar...and im good enough on harmonica...singing's different though... Even when i listen to myself...i just don't know if im really good or not... 050502 ... tWiTcH BLAH BLAND TASTLESS GONE ...........i loveu) emotions are fading fast.................................................................... 5/2/05 .... 050502 ... TwitcH 5/8/05 GOd teisted his head in a most familiar fashion....yes the stars are made of ivory but thats no excuse for the pastel colored heart leaking at your lips. She and I will fall...I doubt it can work..... WHy? Because i'm a lonsome fuck...thats why....YES I can Be the life of THE PArty and I have been....just yesterday I had a crowd around me in town...i can look back on those moments, and brag about them like the insecure fuck I am. But when it comes down to it I don't have many friends... 050508 ... Twitch Sunlight rises..... then sets.... its funny but...its still hard to brliev that... Sometimes it just feels like the day will never end...so far however, its ended everytime... but who knows- 050509 ... mp3 Sunrise, Sunset Tevye's exquisitely poignant song from Fiddler on the Roof, was written by Sheldon Harnick (words) & Jerry Bock (music) http://www.heavenlyharpist.com/mp3/sunrise-sunset.htm 050509 ... AND Webshots - Images of SUNRISE, SUNSET........ ... SUNRISE, SUNSET........ THE BEGINING Fireboat sprays water at sunrise. Crane in the sunset. Sunrising ... community.webshots.com/album/85766568ZdCCJZ - 48k - Cached - Similar pages THE END OF A GORGEOUS DAY ... 050509 ... Twitch I met a girl.....online ...please dont dismiss me as a loser... i've only done it once before... It's nice to have someone ....anyone... yea.. it's late... ishould probably get some sleep...... I love you 9remember9 5my5 3words3 1I1 9LOVE9 9YOU9 ! 050517 ... twitCH i missed this prom. Not because im a huge loner...which isn't to say that i'm not lonely, but because they didnt have a lot of tickets (only 400 for a class of like....well a lot. Wouldnt it be awesome if i actually "make it" next year...and the last song that they'd play would be mine....Dreams are fun...Reality is too limiting. 050518 ... unhinged i guess my journal that is blather is not exactly anonymous, but it's definitely here for all to see if they know how to find it 050518 ... awhitewalrus i didn't go to prom and my mom was sad i don't know why i had plenty of fun that night and everyone i know who went, said it wasn't great so either they're lying and it was awesome or i am missing some reason as to why it's so great and on another note i have been thinking recently about my personality as it appears to others i have never really cared that much before because i like who i am but sometimes i think about things i have just said or done and i realize that sometimes i am such a bitch i don't like being mean so why am i acting like a bitch towards these people that are my friends? do i think that it will make them like me more? i seem to have a great fear of friends deserting me. one day i'll wake up and there will be no one here for me. i don't know why this fear would cause me to be mean, maybe i am bitter towards life in general, maybe i am bitter that two of my best friends are dating and the only guy who likes me has a girlfriend. maybe i'm bitter that all my friends seem to be secure with their current life situations and i am not. maybe i'm bitter, or maybe i am just a bitch. except when i ask, of course they say i'm not, they say i'm subtle. what the hell does that mean? i am a subtle bitch and that's okay because people don't notice? i notice and they notice because they know my basic demeanor, and i tell them more than i tell people who aren't my friends obviously, but other people don't notice? for some reason that is hard for me to believe. i am trying to end this reign of hate, but sometimes i can't control it. it just comes out because that's what i'm feeling. i've always had a problem with keeping some of my feelings to myself, that is when i know what i am feeling. 050518 ... Twitch i dont drink much...at all...yesterday was an attemot... 2 and a half puny glasses of 12 percent wine than the bottle emptied...(i didnt get drunk.) Strangelyenough when i told my mom that i was just doing it to see what it felt like she wasnt angry. 050518 ... twitch ok ithink i got drunk today....no prom tickets sold out parents want me to hang out with kids from our church and wont let me hang out with my friend (cause they think he's not,,,,,well.......goood for me........................eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr --------------------------------------- more news as we get it. 050520 ... twitch i got out and had a decent time that day................ except for when we were in a diner batthroom and my friend said to some hispanic guy that i wanted to take a pic of his balls...(i was taken a pic of myself with my phone at the time.) After the guy came out, he walked to our table and started with "you think i dont know english?" (he thought i said something instead of my friend.) but other than that it was fun... 050522 ... jane i'll be your muse 050522 ... twITch that would be great!!! (amazing how strangers can influence people...the internets cool like that (and a tad unusual)) 050522 ... jane what do you need me to do? 050524 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl aww damn, i always fancied being a muse anyone else need a muse? 050524 ... twitcH no MY MUSE! (hehehe) i dont know...inspire me....through out a seen...an image...so i can write a song or something 050524 ... Twitch lifes all about stayin on top.... here's to life....... 050524 ... jane imagine the white cliffs of dover, made of chalk, with the waves slowly wearing out their sides, and my body laying across the top, in white linen spread over the green grass 050525 ... smells like christmas tarts 6 days ago i nearly died 5 days ago i was thanking god i was alive 4 days ago i was in a state of numbness 3 days ago i was in pain 2 days ago i started worrying about my parents finding out yesterday i stopped worrying, accepting the inevitable today i was bored tomorrow i am going to go out and go crazy with my last few moments of freedom before they do find out and the dreamers' birthday is the day after mine- funny that :) i wanted to have a party, but now im going to be in so much trouble i wont be able to solution: go mental this weekend 050526 ... twitch No///..don't make me go/////////////// (i was supposed to go to a party tonite..........vin all the sudden said no.......in an odd way...its kind of relieving........... three isnt two unless u take me with you.......... tu habla GOD he's a wonder...a true american politician....... the Donald trump of promiswswswswswwwwwqw enufff izz enuff yo fo real!!!!!!!!dsaopjfdskgfghfd;lgmfd;lg lovelvelovelovelovelovelvovevleovleovloelvlovelvoevlev 050527 ... twitch Jesus Brok through the chasm... its all downhill.......from me and you and usssssssssss............ ......................................................... Holyy shit!. monster energy drinks are wicked good.................... (don't i sound like your typical teenager?).... wicked-who cane up with that..................? the new way to call something good is to call it relic...( Man that movie was way relic!) 050528 ... Twitch This thread is one of my big contributions to the blather_blanket. I gotta keep it here 050530 ... TwitcH drip drop 1 aclock time to run...take the gun... How come..........laffed Jesus's brother..................? because(said the irishmen) 84290489328392038290384204839084139084938493028429308 (ver.2493408394/3.353) tried to reply but couldn't.... --------------------------------------- More news as we get it... 050530 ... TWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6 11 am...This should get me up for the day...Now to type some energizing words....... w00t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YEA YEA YEA!!!!!!.... LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DAMNSTRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lolzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!1!1!111@w00t.w00t.comYESAYESA yesa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 050601 ... Twitch Live, die, get by....All to stay at the TOP~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ 050602 ... Twitch stringeddream: hello aardvarkanne: hey ey stringeddream: i want to put u on my blather stringeddream: u r my blather buddy stringeddream: yesa, aardvarkanne: it's funny... you're in my "blather buddies" category aardvarkanne: in aim aardvarkanne: sure stringeddream: j0y aardvarkanne: shrug same name, is all stringeddream: there were four in four out stringeddream: not like before stringeddream: i love you stringeddream: break stringeddream: it stringeddream: off stringeddream: ....but not like yesterday stringeddream: that was grossssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stringeddream: lolzlolzLOLZLOZLaaalala aardvarkanne: flying cows, eh? stringeddream: cuz me and the vibrant ladies of trifiltania were all dealing in the war stringeddream: Breatrh in stringeddream: Breath ou stringeddream: t stringeddream: _)TKF3:@ aardvarkanne: catch a purple polka dot on your tongue stringeddream: (@@@@@@@@@$(@)1-2204-40 stringeddream: thats it stringeddream: the sum of all Parts aardvarkanne: breathe copper lightning, y'know aardvarkanne: yes, yes aardvarkanne: ignite the liver stringeddream: god wasted it on me! stringeddream: but i changed the tide stringeddream: WHOS IN CONTROL NOW stringeddream: HUH? stringeddream: I SAID WHOSSS stringeddream: IN stringeddream: CONTROL! stringeddream: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? aardvarkanne: blink aardvarkanne: same person who always is aardvarkanne: She is. stringeddream: dreeam on back slash vertically to the core dream in a bubble die in the rubble... stringeddream: slatuate all thehat in tateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer tots aardvarkanne: dynamite aardvarkanne: donnie darko aardvarkanne: rabbt stringeddream: yers stringeddream: YES stringeddream: LOVE IT stringeddream: dream stringeddream: flfiod stringeddream: fods stringeddream: fk stringeddream: ds aardvarkanne: yesyesyes stringeddream: not now caosjk dovpfjpfkdodpsfkdfopfpodsfkdspofkOPKPOKFIPJFUCKJ DFUOFHSFJLJKLJCK:XJ"V"LKDSNMKLFFFUFUFUFUFUCKFUCVKLFGUCKGFUFKCUFGKCUFGKCUGFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFCFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU stringeddream: ck stringeddream: lolzzzzzzzzzzzzZaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------why did i post this ///? idk..... why not? ???? (oMG DEEP QUESTION!!!!) 050603 ... anne-girl laughs merrily why not, indeed? 050603 ... Twitch My necks alittle stiff... Work at 3 to 10....arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg............ Who knows what the day will hold. 050604 ... Twitch reflect deflct tickle 050609 ... Twitch I'm tryin to live without thinking now...bezause when I think i get depressed. ....i took a fall on my bike 050617 ... Twitch I'm still alive to all who....well none of you know me anyway... I'm trying to finnish songs now...trying to live for something... but It's hard to enjoy life. 050629 ... Twitch damn...that last post was written so long ago.... and I've only written like one real song since then... I've gotta get on top of things. In other news... I met a girl yesterday...I think I love her... Me, my sis, her BF, and another girl from our church whom I brought (I'm not a church kid...she's just cool) went to the mall... As always, being the attention whoring son of a bitch that I am, I brought ny guitar and harmonicas. We were gonna see dukes of hazzard (idk how great it is....it's just something to do) and I saw an old friend. The other girl that I brought (from church knew another guy who was there...so it was cool. Anyway they were goin to the pool hall...(Except for the guy that that the girl i brought knew...hew had work.) Make a long story short... I invited her to come and she didnt... I went to the pool hall... fell in love with a girl (who has a bf...but the relationships bad) and got my dad to pick me up at like 12 00. (Both my parents were pissed that i didnt stay with everyone (specifically the girl) to see the movie...and i had to pay like 25$ for gas money...) YAY! 050816 ... Twitch I don't know about the girl... she makes me feel so second rate. (alrite...so we only met 3 times in the past 3 days) still, and this is hard for me to say...even online, she makes me jealous. I hate to say it...whatever. 050818 ... twitch the girl doesnt like me....i called her up yesterday night...she was drunk... and just kinda blurted it out. she told me she likes her old bf (whom she broke up with like 2 days ago and that she doesn't like me "like that." 050819 ... Twitch ok... im pretty sure her BF called me on the phone. It was some guy who obviously didnt like me...I played it cool though. I hope to god he IM's me so I can give out his SN and have tons of people fuck with him. 050820 ... Twitch I was down at the shore where,I had the pleasure of being a Five_minute_god as i have been so many times before. yay! ( Lets see if the people I gave My Screen Name to IM me.) and i also got a new Harmonica.! 050823 ... Twitch I tried weed last Wdnsday... NEVER AGAIN SHALL I TRY THIS... O man..I just turned into this lonely guy... The only thing I had was Jesus (Though I'm Not a real Christian) I didnt even pay attention to this world... I though i might die... errr.. In other news... I'm takin a pretty lady to the movies tonite... shes fickle ... but...i just cant help liking her. 050828 ... Twitch SO I took her out yesterday. I think she has my problem reversed...I almost never go out...(though when I do .. I try to make it a big thing and make a bunch of new friends) She seems tired of going out...and has the same friends almost every time. 050829 ... Twitch Well... It's hard...we love pretty far. (and I can't drive yet) She's such a bad-ass compared to me. I'm a virgin to just about everything...but in a weird way, I think thats part of why she likes me. FUCK...School starts tommorrow... I'm hoping that this year will kick ass...I guess we'll find out. 050831 ... Twitch Today was the_first_day_of_school and (needless to say, it sucked. I'd say more but its kind of late (it is a school night after all:-( 050901 ... Twitch Blah blah blah. School is bad. I love my Ruthie. All I need is Cigarettes_Coffee_People_and_Music . 050906 ... Twitch ok...I need a backbone. I depend on peoples opinions way too much...and the fact that I have no REAL friends only makes this more painful. I have two basic options here... Break down...become depressed (as I've been so many times before) or Be my own best friend and grow a backbone. The latter is what I want to strive for. People who really like themselves tend to make friends easily anyway (the very ones who don't need them) 050907 ... Twitch I Smoked in the Boys Room today! YAY for me.. Blah 050909 ... kelc Calre McWatt lives in a nice house, with a mean dog, a noisy bird and a fish she pokes just to make sure it's alive. and thats how far i got today. 050909 ... Twitch I've gotten nowhere. I've almost written no new songs since the first time I psted. I still dont hav a steady band. I did kind of have a girl...(but thats all too often the case.) ok...blatherskytes. How_do_I_improve_my_live 050915 ... Twitch damnit! it tried to be slick....but NOOO!!! I had to misspell my blathe. the real question I'm asking here is... How_do_I_Improve_my_life 050915 ... Twitch Sleep... Driver's Test Oct4. Life isnt that Bad. 050920 ... Twitch I love blathering from school... It's nice to know someone from the "Outside World" can still hear my voice. 050929 ... Twitch Blathering from school again! (same class too) Today should be OK...(If I type postively, maybe I'll feel better) In fact, today WILL be GREAT... It will be an awesome day.! I mean, come on, I'm Ben Kurtzer, How can i not love this life..? (this is really starting to help) I like to Type_positvely 050930 ... Twitch She's so much more bad_ass then I am. SHe does drugs... A LOT I don't...the last time I tried weed I freaked the fuck out and told my friend that I "wanted Jesus to have his way with me" (i thought i might die I guess) the effexor I was on could have caused the problem...or maybe it's just the way I am... I just don't wanna go through another tim like that again...and I'd hate for her to see me like that. ANyway...she's the bad-ass who has slept with many people and does drugs, and I'm the virgin guitar player who only smokes four fuckin cigarettes a day. She says she loves me... but how could it possibly work.? 051002 ... Twitch she_says_she'll_stop_doing_drugs_for_me .. If she would really do that for me I really think that we could make it. It bothers me to see her in a different world...one that is strictly in her mind... One where I am not. 051005 ... Twitch You ever feel like life is a movie... or maybe a dream... I dont really like that feeling...I want to Plug_back_in 051010 ... fal i feel that way all the time and wonder whether there's ever an audience watching me. 051010 ... Twitch Yes... Today...I'll try to stop that feeling... (i've never really set goals like that...) fun 051011 ... f this place is like painting a picture - there's no history palette 051012 ... Twitch I was reading something I wrote before ---------------------------------------- there's this prett girl i met at a weekend camp in upstate newyork... yea ill try not to get my hopes up... i mean i havent seen her since it (like almost a week ago) and probably won't for a while... Not that she's that far from me...it jus probably won't happen. i can pretend though... damn...right now there are children dieing, murderers killing, lovers fucking (not the most poetic word but it gets the job done ;-) ) and all i'm thinking about is some girl who i'll probably not even talk to in a year.... --------------- but hey............... thats life. -4/28/05 --------------------------------------- Funny... I havent talked to this girl in a while... Maybe I'll see how she's doin 051012 ... Twitch Alright... so yesterday I see some of my lady friends in the hall near the stairs... and i bust out my harmonica. Next thing I know this football player says "you do no that no one likes you because you play the harmonica, right?" Now... at the end of last year (during class elections)...I had gone up in front of the whole Junior class, said I am running for " Class_God " and played a song about my friend Billy's Mom (billy happens to be one of the " Cool_Kids " in school. Well the whole class applauded. Maybe, I am still a loser...but I can always look back on that... Man, What an asshole. 051013 ... twitch Damnit...I'm hungry. But...overall..I'm feeling pretty happy. 051017 ... IGG waves hope you're feeling ok. 051018 ... Twitch Got my license! Unfortunately, I dont know where anything is... (New Jersey's small enough...it shouldn't take that long anyway.) 051018 ... Twitch blah blah ... lets learn where things are today... lets be something today... If I'm goin to pick up my girl for homecoming, I have to learn where she lives. 051019 ... Twitch I'll learn... It'll be fine. (confidence is the word of the day ladies and gentleman!) 051020 ... Twitch Got lost on the way to work yesterday. Missed some turn and BAM! all the sudden I didn't know where the fuck I was. I called to say I'd be late and Ben (a guy who works with me...and shares my name) guided me through it. Damn...how the hell am I gonna get to Ruthie's house? 051021 ... Twitch My parents picked up my sister's boyfriend at a church...and they decided that I would follow them and pick up Ruthie there...so it worked... it was a decent evening... --------------------------------------- Alright... I went to homecoming, which basically consisted of walking around, finding the people that I know, and "dancing" (more of a mixture between making out, and moving my legs rythmically.) It was ok... left early...Drove to a dunkin donuts and a diner...(she had to help me get there) She's got way too many ex-boyfriends... and drug problems. I love her...but It's hard to not get down when she talks about all that stuff... I figure I'll stick with being her "boyfriend when her boyfriend's not there" and leave it at that. 051024 ... Twitch Wow... I'm noticing that all my balthes are...well kind of Emo. It's misleading...If you were to see me in my element you'd never think of me like that. Maybe deep down I'm just messed_up. 051025 ... Twitch and I thought I had problems before... Now I just got back from a car_accident... yea...the car's done... my mom's in the room helping me through it right now... she's too good for someone like me... nevermind...she saw me type that...and now she's giving me the ol' "Don't say that, your fine the way you are"...or something like that... but the truth is...I'm not fine...I barely care about anything...and it's a real problem...even this car accident was a bit too mild on me... what am I talking about.,.... It's gonna be like a month before I can drive... this does suck 051025 ... Twitch Alright... It's come to this. A Self-Analysis. I constanly feel like shit... Not all the time...but ..I don't know maybe it's getting better.. I need to bit the bullet of depression and stop letting it hit me... like a... a pussy. I never say that... but I think that's the correct term for how I've been acting. So what if I have a "Chemical-Imbalance" I need to break through.. --------------------------------------- I skipped school today. I was tired and I'm not used to getting up so early for the bus anymore (I used to have a car) I'll say it again... What a pussy thing to do. WHat I need to do is unpussify my self. Fight Depression, and this constant feeling of apathy. I Need to at least TRY and like something. Play a song and TRY and really get into it... --------------------------------------- For now...I think I'll finish pulp_fiction (iI just rented it...and so far it's been awesome. THen maybe I'll call up my friend and try and go out. Or organize my book-bag (It's a mess.) SOMETHING to Unpussify myself. 051027 ... Twitch So I snuch out of the house at 1 am on Saturday night... My sister followed me... Long story short...I no longer have internet at my house and have to blathe from school. 051031 ... Twitch damnit....snuck 051031 ... Twitch Well, it's been a while since I've blathed. And amazingly enough, life still goes on. 051103 ... Twitch Well I'm slightly more free now. I can kind of go on the internet now. I just have to leave an assignment undone, and then ask to go onto the computer to finish it. The internet's back on! YAY! 051105 ... Twitch i just realized that going "YAY!" sounds rather... well, queer... it was a mood thing anyway. 051106 ... oren Yippee! 051106 ... Twitch Eating Ramen noodles and listening to five_for_fighting ... can't say I've ever done this before...kinda nice 051110 ... Twitch i think eating ramen noodles and listening to five_for_fighting is right up there with having a cigarrette and coffee. 051116 ... Twitch I need to fix my connection... starting here... Get_Into_Life 051117 ... Switch heres where it ends...and something else begins... I'll be someone...it's that simple. 051121 ... 123 how_do_you_prove_your_existence 051121 ... Twitch I don't know if I exist... Some things just hae to be assumed. 051122 ... Twitch This thanksgiving I'm probably going to be handing out stress balls in New York for some organization that wants to help messed up families... It's not out of my own free will...but my famiy's doing it...and my Grandma wants me to. I suppose I should be greatful that I have a family... but I'll probably just smoke a cigar and try to make some friends in the city. ^_^ 051123 ... Twitch Man, I want to move back near my old town. I went there yesterday for a coffee house concert and I realized how much I miss it. 051126 ... Twitch I was the one giving the orders at work yesterday.(for a change) It was just me and Delores (a new worker) so all the pressure was on me (as much pressure as shoprite can put on you.) I can't believe I finished everything. I've always been the young lazy one, but last night I had to, as Mario would say, "Kick It In." 051130 ... Twithc Words_of wisdom... Relax...Don't_think_too_much. Enjoy.. and Free yourself up! 051201 ... Twitch It's been a while since I've taken adderall, so I took it today. I feel like I'm finally free...Like I don't have to harp on what people think. I'm diagnosed with ADD...but the depression is what kills me. It's helping it a lot 051202 ... witch well..it did...and then I realized that it made my heart beat too fast... but now My Love affair with adderall has come into bloom again... 051212 ... Twitch well..it did...and then I realized that it made my heart beat too fast... but now My Love affair with adderall has come into bloom again... 051212 ... Twitch Man...Double_blathing isn't cool. 051212 ... Twitch Andn now...for my fellow blatherskites... a poem I worte a while back. "Coffee" Coffee, Hot, sweet cup of love Kinda like my girl, Only it isn’t addicted to drugs. --------------------------------------- I don't see the girl much anymore... but man...I love this poem that she helped inspire... 051216 ... andru235 very interesting poem, twitch. it made me smile, then gasp, frown, gasp, and smile once more. it triggered an emotional palindrome within me. 051216 ... Twitch Here....have another...courtesy of poetry class... Shallow My dreams were knitted in the parking lot of bowling alley. I could have said so much more, but I’m just not that confident. She was the stranger I kissed, And the audience I sang to. She liked me, and I know I could have had an impact on her. But no, I ignored the codeine she snorted and just made out. “Way to be shallow Ben!” “Way to be shallow…” I could have said anything…any goddamn thing. “Chill on the drugs” could have done. “Don’t snort that shit!” would have broken the ice also… But no…Instead I inhaled my words. She snorts her drugs and I inhale my words. 051220 ... Twitch So i went to this poetry reading at school yesterday (It was a chance to get extra credit.) I hate to say it...I really do....but man was it lame... about 40 kids showed up in the begining (not alot for this school) and near the end they slowly trickled out... I read 2 poems...tried to sing some songs... but, it was stale...way too stale 051221 ... Twitch I have to say...I've kept this thread up for a long time. It's rare that I stick to anything (except maybe smoking, and coffee) It must be beacause of it's simplicity... I don't really have to do anything other then type... who cares if what I say is good... Most of the people that make up blather are not very judgemental... and the others... I don't know... their fucking asses... (I never say things like that...... (feels kinda good...) Yea....but then of course...in saying that, I am being a judgemental ass-hole... I suppose the correct point of action here is to ignore my contradictions and say Fuck_it! and so... "Fuck_it!" 051224 ... Twitch Tony Danza cuts in line Standing in the sun I'm wasting my time Old school Hollywood baseball Jack Gilardi's ten feet tall Old school Hollywood baseball Me and Frankie Avalon why do i dig that song so much... It's funny...My other half doesnt really have any disputes about any music I like by other people... For a while I was a Bit of a Beatles_Purist. There was some other stuff I'd listen to...but the beatles were what I would measure everything by... Anyway...System of a down was on the radio...and I was really enjoying the song... so finally... I Let_go and now I really like them... --------------------------------------- anyway...on with "the_situation" I was invited to a new years eve party... (through my Five_Minute_God status I suppose) It's far...and I don't have a car...not that I'd know how to get there anyway. The plan is that I'll take off work early and take the train with my sister... (she wants to see her boyfriend...) I'll be picked up through someone, and she'll have time with Mike (her "Man") The problem is that My Dear, sweet parents insist I take the last train back at about 1 30 am... I'm afraid my instincts will not allow me to comply... I have an decent chance of getting laid, and a 100% chance of getting intoxicated. if I get there at about 7:50 pm (which is probably what would happen) I wouldn't have enough time to really enjoy myself. I can probably get a ride home later the next day...but mumsy violently opposes this idea. (Probably in fear of the reasons I want to go in the first place...) I mean...she knows I'll be drunk...but what would really bother her is any sex (though she'd never come out and say it) We're christians here...and sex before marriage= evil. It's rare that I go to a party...I'm not about to pass this up. --------------------------------------- ...ahhhh the problems of a 17 year old. 051229 ... camille I found this anonymous journal on the net... Ode to the Pile of Journals in the box beside my bed.. i pluck them out of order like teeth from a skull reading at random from life pressed between Brocade Chinatown covers and school notebooks spirally bound see this pile of paper? Here lies proof of all I have been witness this trail of thought eroding the hard mantle of my psyche leaving fractal canyons carved in these bones, my life each page a path a creak bed now dry through which my soul once ran as liquid streaming towards this future as mist streaming the past through some journals i have fled while others were each page savored despite an odd fear running counterpoint to the happiness a reluctant knowing that I must let go of happiness as eagerly as I let go of pain but why keep a diary i can only make excuses if not for one reason then surely another and when i gather these selves together we have a lot in common but we are not the same how many of us realize all the selves we have been? so many worlds are diverging on the planet now there is the hardcore urban new york where we live in concrete canyons i'm cold the gay community left this area and moved to the twenties actually many of them died in the aids wave and the survivors got the creeps renting apartments where the previous tenant had just finished wasting to death, it's so urban uh oh somehow i managed to spend 3 wks in new york without making money now i'm broke again and have to make an effort to not freak out & freeze up as I have a tendency to do back from cruz to the frozen desert saw some animal spirit dances at wayotola pueblo yesterday pretty trippy reminded me of tibet so high, cold, sharpside sun, womp womp drums rattles and bell dancers with antlers and feathers etc. sometimes this view is so depressing there is often one lone guy who goes around out there on that thing they sometimes call a river a kayak and it's like seeing a nightmare version of man and nature. they say he works on wall street though that might be urban myth ** found notations in notebook possibly found on snarg.net was interesting reading 051230 ... Twitch The party was great, and I came upon a bit of a realization...I need to get the fuck outta here... I can't stand it, I live in the sticks. It's just wat too rare that I get to do anything out here. Having fun with friends about 40 minutes away was refreshing. No wonder that I finally lost it yesterday at home. I totally just flipped a shit in front of my parents. Throwin shit, screaming "we gotta move"... I mean....it might seem a wee bit drastic, but to have so much fun with friends and then just come_back_to_nowhere... I don't know, this is killing me. 060102 ... Twitch It's funny... Blather has always been a place where I casually ramble in front of strangers But now, I'm afraid I know some of you (I'm talkin 'bout you anne-girl) Hopefully this won't change my blathing_style...endlessly rambling about my insecurities, Crying over stupid shit, And just blathing_about_nothing. ...but then again, that's what I'm known for anyway... I have no one to live up to but myself. And if I want to change suddenly...well, thats ok too. 060103 ... Twitch wrote a new song... maybe i should be excited but I_just_don't_care. "why?" you ask (GO ON ASK IT) I hate where I live... and the_girl hasn't spoken to me since I said good-bye in a sophisticated manner. Now that whole "blah_feeling" , that I'm sure you're all far too familier with, is coming back... 060103 ... Twitch Right now, I don't feel Blah at all. I'm afraid emotions are all to superficial. But then, what else do we have? 060105 ... Twitch no school tommorrow. Parents watned me to go to some teen counseling thing (Hey as long as it's during school why not?) i don't want to get that blah_feeling again...but I can feel it starting to creep up on me again. 060105 ... SHIT * The_No_Evil_Rule * No Evil... 060105 ... Twitch It makes sense, but I don't want to live in a box. I'd prefer to start by being more stable on the inside. But How do I get that? 060106 ... Twitch Yesterday... quite a day, in the life a_young_man_name_ben. Went to Westfield in my car. Of course, I had to drive my dad to pick up his car...and I followed him just to be sure I knew the way. Told the girl I'd meet her at about 3:30 Met some enticing people, and had my moment as a five_minute_god. We went and saw the producers...and did some edgy things...(Not a usual case) I can tell she wants to be like that...maybe she just never had the chance. Now because I don't want to keep on typing... We'll fast forward to the car. ... which i feel a bit guilty talking about... so I won't say much...except that there was no lovemakin...but it was definately in that ball park... and what made this so awkward was the lack of room...and the people passing by occasionally. and so...it really wasn't that fulfilling. 060108 ... Twitch mon_ami... I fucking love the way that sounds. It reminds of my X-men days... y'know...with Gambit. I'll try to use it a bit more... of course...if I use it now...it'll stick out a bit... anyway...I have a car again... accidently parked in a teacher's spot (I didn't know any better at the time) I figure I'll tell them it was an accidednt at lunch....so they don't get all pissy. Lets see... I had my Three_day's_grace so's I can get my tolerance down, and start taking adderall again. And now, I'm feeling pretty fuckin' good...(despit the fact that my grades are an abomination) Ahh well...I've been slackin' off so long, it's only fair that I start to fail. Of course, I won't fail...(this is just God's way of scaring me.) 060109 ... 16000 What's_reality... 060109 ... Twitch ah man, don't even get me started with a deep question like that. I'm afraid if I really took a long look at whether or not anything was real, I wouldn't be able to function. 060110 ... Twitch woke up at about 8 15 today... just in time to completely miss my first period. ALthough it's study hall...I already have the maximum number of absences for it...so I was freakin out a bit. Yes, I did still find time to have a ciggy... and no...I can't recall taking my nexium or my adderall. I suppose I should be greatful though... I talked to the attendance people and I doubt that this will have any real repricussions. but for now...my first goal is to get adderall...and maybe some heartburn medicine along the way. 060111 ... Twitch So...about an hour after I though that I didn't take my adderall it kicked in...so I must have taken it. Before this, however, I managed to get a pass allowing me to drive home (which I did during lunch) and get it. Not wanting to waste this oppurtunity I did go home... smoked a ciggy, heated up some wantan soup, let the dogs out, and took my nexium (which I had also forgot.) It'd be nice if we were allowed to go somewhere for lunch (I know a lot of schools do it)... but no... for some reason we have to stay locked up inside this building until that bell_of_freedom. 060111 ... Twitch Today was dull... a bit of a waste. Now yesterday was more interesting. Party. Well, first it was ice-skating... but the party was what stood out in my mind. Of course...the only reason I went is because of Adam, whom I know through work. it was fun... Drank a bit...played Beer_Pong for the first time. And later I smoked a little pot. It was only my third time...and it was ok. I wasn't like "Wow This is Great" but it wasn't anywhere near as horrible as my first time. and I slept well after. -- I need a steady crowd. I don't hang out with anyone in particular... 060114 ... Twitch I came across this John Lennon Songwriting Contest. They say they don't make any judgements on recording quality, but rather originality, melody, composition, and lyrics (when applicable) Maybe I'll have a shot... I should definately give this a try. 060117 ... Twitch Performance went spectacular...I accidently stopped after the first chorus, but then just explained "the songs way too long" haha...it was great. And now I'm off to play with a band in Easton...This should be fun. 060121 ... Twitch a blathe that I made before needs to be put in this journal...simply because it expressed what I wanted to say so well =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Twitch I was reading one of my past blathes entitled how_do_you_think_i_sing, and I re-read a response from Andru235. --------------------------------------- do you like how you sing? more importantly, do you like singing? what is more important to you, the joy music brings you, or impressing other people? are you a fan of the number 5,632.6341? if you had to pick your nose, right this moment, would you pick a crooked one, or perhaps one that was bulbous? --------------------------------------- I'm afraid that gaining appreciation from other's is more important to me right now than the music itself. I hate admitting that ...it makes me out to be a selfish bastard who uses an art in an effort to to boost his self-esteem. It makes me a pawn. And even if I had all the talent in the world...it would not erase that horrible title. I want to erase what I have just written but it would further prove how much I care about my image, even if only to myself. Don't get me wrong...I don't do a whole lot to fit in...I don't feel a need. I don't want to be like that. I wanna be the main event. And for some reason I want to be known as a good songwriter and singer. maybe pawn was a bad word-choice (though I still refuse to erase it.) I'm more of an entertainer who depends too much on his crowd. 060122 ... Twitch how can someone be happy? I can't quite trace it... I'm afraid that if I actually achieve my dream, it will only satisfy me for a little while. Maybe if I'm to be happy at all it needs to start now. Ultimately, accomplishing things might not really make me any more happy. But for now...I need to pass my classes. 060123 ... Twitch went out to the pool hall about two hours ago. It was a nice break sitting around sulking in lonliness. Kids from my school were there, and, as is usually the case, I entertained them and had the pleasure of playing with'em. 060124 ... Twitch Today is a nothing to do day... rather then feeling blah, I need to use this gift. I have to return a DVD...so I might as well stop bye a krauzers and get coffee or something. That'll probably lead to going into town a bit...and maybe seeing people I know. I need to finish my Spanish Mid-Term tommorrow (I have a 504 so I can take an extra day to do it) Of course, I take full advantage of this...and don't really do anything I don't know on the first day (which consisted of at least half of my Spanish Test) I'll just bring in some notes or something...and act like its another page to the test. I know it's not my most honest moment...but I'm not really lieing about anything. 060126 ... Twitch went to a party for my store yesterday. It was pretty fun...but then again it's rare that I'm around that many people outside of a school setting, so no matter what it was bound to be an alright time for me. Any uncomfortable moments of silence were cured by going out for a ciggy. 060129 ... Twitch where will I go...what shall i do? 060131 ... dipperwell Don't take this the wrong way, but you strike me as a social mangrove; someone whose foundation is at the passing whim of the ocean - the water being, of course, everyone else on the planet. You need the ocean to define you as a mangrove; to send you off in new directions, to lap approvingly at your shores, but never do you anchor your roots on your own terms; never do you ignore the ocean, never do you figure out who you are outside of the ocean's pull. So what I want to know - and I mean this with all respect and tact - is: Was there a defining moment when you lost faith in yourself and invested it entirely in others, or was it a gradual thing? And why does it matter if anyone knows you exist? 060131 ... Twitch a defining moment? I don't know... I suppose it was gradual. I used to be the cocky kid who thought highly of himself...(I'm talkin when I was like 10) I thought I was smart...and in a way I think I was right to think that. I had a gift with words... but even then...I entertained everyone else in class...I was "the crazy kid." I'll compare it to Sophmore Year in Highschool. This is when I started literally carrying my guitar around in the hallways, writing funny songs about the kids. They all loved it...and I suppose the more attention I got, the more I craved. Now it's my senior year and I've moved. It took a little while, but I've established myself as a bit of an entertainer here too. I don't know why it has to be this way. Nothing makes me feel better then a ton of people cheering me on. --------------------------------------- now for what i did today.------------------------------------ Went to an extremely cute girl's house after school to play guitar. To my surprise, soon after entering her house she wanted to smoke up. I had been there once before, and I didn't remember her like that (though she probably was...as she told me that she started smoking weed at 14. I didn't take a hit or anything. I explained that I had to drive and just lit up a ciggy. about an hour and a half later, as I'm driving to work...I suddenly realize that I'm high. She had smoked with mr in a smaller room and my tolerance is probably way down there. Still...why would it hit me then? 060201 ... Twitch ska? Well-Dressed hipsters "skanking" to a modern day punk version of swing? I went to one of these shows with some friends. And I loved it. Well...kind of...I mean...I couldn't really do the dance...but I'll learn. I also realized how much I can enjoy so many different types of music. Whatever song I here in a given moment takes up my mind so that any other song can't sound as good. (This is pretty much true for everyone though) ahh and the day before this I got drunk with some of my "far-away" friends nearsome train tracks. And I looked up this thing called Depersonalization... according to some wonderful website... "Depersonalization can include feelings of being: unreal disembodied unattached dead puppet-like robot-like like a lifeless, two dimensional, 'cardboard' figure' made of cotton-wool having mechanical actions a spectator " then there's derealiztion which the website "as: spaciness like in a dream like looking through a veil a sensory fog, spaced-out in a goldfish bowl behind glass withdrawn flat dream-like " of course...Everytime you here something like this...you feel like you have it... Though sometimes I really do get into this problem where ...Someone's talking...and all the sudden...I realize that we are restricted to a language...and that somehow I can understand this bizzarre form of communication. Of course after I think about this I really can't listen to people...I mean...I understand what they say but...I really don't hold on to it... I'm afraid it's rather difficult to explain. ...... whatever...it's dumb anyway...and I probably don't have it. 060205 ... Twitch How did I confuse "Hear" for "Here"? I hate embarrassing corrections like this. 060205 ... Twitch Lots of Snow... Didn't have to show up for work...and I probably won't have school tommorrow. 060212 ... Twitch Jammed with this guy, named Guy. We played at some cafe and had fun. He's pretty good...and despite his shy nature he has a lot of confidence that he'll make it. His tastes are a bit too restricted...a little too	220419
	...
Twitch	_an_anonymous_journal_for_all_to_see Dreamer Ladies and gentleman! Step right up! Witness the trials and tribulations of a typical (or, as i would like to think, not so typical) 16 year old male...(soon to be 17 on June 23.) -------------------------------------- It's nice putting my life on display (or parts of it at least) I can pretend to be noticed...YAY! 050414 ... Moon Ladies and gentleman! Step right up! Witness the trials and tribulations of a typical (or, as i would like to think, not so typical) 16 year old male...(soon to be 17 on June 23.) -------------------------------------- It's nice putting my life on display (or parts of it at least) I can pretend to be noticed...YAY! damn....i should put this under a different name...dreamer 's been done... 050414 ... Twitch Fuck...i have underestimated peoples choices in names.... hmmmmmmmmmm this ones too cool,,,someone most have thought of it... Twitch 050414 ... delial heh, do what I do! click on someone's blather name, then erase their name from the url and substitute a name you think up, and keep doing that unti you find one that doesn't exist(yet). =P 050414 ... Twitch today was a day................ Ok...Gym makeups are given by a short (somewhat angry sounding) old guy name Mr. ROss...so (since i forgot my gym clothes one day, and i wanted to try and get a good grade) i came. 12 laps around the gym..... then Ross wanted me to wait...for a pretty girl so that we could do the next exercizes together 1 rite after another......... 100 jumping jacks:....I managed... 25 pushups: it was tough...but i did it) 25 sit ups: bad...but not too bad. 25 more push ups:ARRRRRDGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! KILL MEEE!!!!!!!1 (i finally came to a point where i couldn't even think about the girl.. my arms wouldn't move..i tried as hard as a good and barely moved... Now as if god still wasn't being entertained enough...I let out a small.....well....... errrrrrr....i ripped one. I don't know if anyone noticed....(i hope not)..it could have been confused with a number of other noises. I finally finished the pushups...only to have........................ Another 25 situps: THIS Was Killer (though maybe not as bad as the push-ups) Finally! 25 alternate toe touches: These werent too bad... Me being REALLY thirsty and worn out when i did'em made them way harder...but still doable. DAMN...when i got home, I just CRASHED/......... P.S. I'm not a Really fat kid either...these were just really hard for me... P.P.S. here's some pix from myspace... http://profiles.myspace.com/users/14818845 (i like to pretend someone'll look :-) http://profiles.myspace.com/users/14818845 050414 ... Twitch work....shit........4 eyes cascading down,,,,,,,,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm perpetual bliss ..................engulf.................... ctrllllllll alt delelleledl;safcasfapodsakdopsdsfjef maybe i wasnt meant to be here.... but then....was anything meant to be... please...i wanna be something....i really do........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz --------------------------------------- translation: nite all 050414 ... Twitch Fuck.................. a D+ in Sci- fi.... The class seemed like a total joke.. techinically...grades arent due until Wednsday..there's still time... College?...I'm gonna have to do it.... just dont know how.................. I dont do any extracurecular activities....A's and B's seemed good enough...but the potential for this and a C in mathe isnt too promising....... I'll keep that suger-coated dream of "making it" in the back of my head...(with music) ooooo................someone said i sing good today.... but than i made a comment about how i wasnt singing good to someone else that day and they didnt stop me......I'm so paranoid.................................. weave weave SMASH ! ------------------------------- 050415 ... Twitch the 4th eye doesn't move//...not with me looking............................................................ But its ok I'll wait sometime yet again when GOd has time. ------------------------------------------Stitched my mout to an open car................................Got drunk at a 2 cent bar.................................... ------------------------------------------------------im tired but idk....i like doing this.........................................so remember its not what you do in life that makes you, it's what you taste.....................mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 050416 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl hi twitch. i went on the link you posted. at least you know that one person is reading this. smiles and waves 050417 ... Twitch Awesome...someone read this. Thanks goth girl----------------------- --------------------------------------- 050417 ... Twitch errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......................................went to a party yesterday........................................errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg.......................it was (PG)................(Parents were upstairs)..........................ergggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg..............................I had my moment, played my guitar, and harmonica, and sang about fucking, Christopher Reeves.......Jewish people.........funny stuff....(My close friends know me as a "five minute God"),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,..................................errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...................................cute girl(s)...............................................i flirted a bit..................................................................but in the end. i felt a bit like a loner 050417 ... Twitch drink from the cup..... their eyes are.... beautiful "Child knows what he's talkin' about" If they could only imagine.... Through omnicient vapors of water...and jazz......blazing with streetlights, and the warm smell of nocturnal departure from......shit....what is it.... That thing that bumps in the night.....you know......ya must......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm/?? well maybe we're all puppets anyway///// --------------------------------------- errrrrrrrrrrrrGGG gots a report to conquer..... 050417 ... Twitch there's this prett girl i met at a weekend camp in upstate newyork... yea ill try not to get my hopes up... i mean i havent seen her since it (like almost a week ago) and probably won't for a while... Not that she's that far from me...it jus probably won't happen. i can pretend though... damn...right now there are children dieing, murderers killing, lovers fucking (not the most poetic word but it gets the job done ;-) ) and all i'm thinking about is some girl who i'll probably not even talk to in a year.... --------------- but hey............... thats life. -4/28/05 12:20am----- on a school night 050428 ... TWITCh Jamican men rummage through his belongings......4 and a half years... and this is where it's all gone... the poor bastard can't even walk straight..."i'm not drunk,,,,,,i dsofdfddj;fidsjf;dfg" he can't talk...he can hardly function...a third eye emerges from a vast sea of.. black COFFEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mmmmm,,,,,,,,, Colombian.......... not that i car it just so.....so caffenated..... yea yea YeaYEA yEYAYEYAYEYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill drink to that! and to another child of GOd 11! -end- 050428 ... Twitch God loves us...---Remember the third eye.... Osiris is watching love loves lover loving lovingly lovely drink a cup stitch a tag in your arm so that all my know... Prophesize to the mountains (the don't listen anyway.) Dream DreamDREAMDREAM ill dream it to an end....and end it in a dream... Free to flip their halos from underneith the sun.......... --------------------------------------- SO i workk at SHoprite,,,this girl who doesn't even know me for ME asked that i not charge her for some Milkshakes... She doesn't like me (in fact I think she thinks I'm a bit of a joke) I didn't charge her...Peer Pressure I guess... 050429 ... Twitch 5/1/05 Essays and shit to do..... god smiled at me the other day...he had nice teeth...and a nice toupe.....thoroughly enticing. anyone wanna be my muse...? wake up, coffee, eat, get sad,get a little happy, sleep...DREAMING all the way through... i barely have anyone... I'm offff adderall... 050501 ... that dude i've been sick for about 4 days now, i feel especially shitty today though it seems it's just a cold - it sure doesn't feel like it. i have decided to change my life drastically - decided this two days ago: i am going back to school and this time i will become an anthropologist. right. well, that's the plan but as it turns out, i am not rich and so i can't pay for tuition (which is sooo absurdly expensive), therefore i have to get a loan from the government, the problem is that i already have a loan with them and the chances of getting another one are ...unlikely. i've decided to do whatever i can to get the dollars, so we'll see. ...what lese, oh yeah, still single and my cat took another shit on the kitchen floor, better go clean it up. 050501 ... Twitch wow...the journal has been expanded by someone elses stories..thank you sir... (I have an essay to do on the Patriot Act, about 7 pages...due tommorrow of course......) --damn 050501 ... twitch i hope im good at singing. im pretty sure im decent on guitar...and im good enough on harmonica...singing's different though... Even when i listen to myself...i just don't know if im really good or not... 050502 ... tWiTcH BLAH BLAND TASTLESS GONE ...........i loveu) emotions are fading fast.................................................................... 5/2/05 .... 050502 ... TwitcH 5/8/05 GOd teisted his head in a most familiar fashion....yes the stars are made of ivory but thats no excuse for the pastel colored heart leaking at your lips. She and I will fall...I doubt it can work..... WHy? Because i'm a lonsome fuck...thats why....YES I can Be the life of THE PArty and I have been....just yesterday I had a crowd around me in town...i can look back on those moments, and brag about them like the insecure fuck I am. But when it comes down to it I don't have many friends... 050508 ... Twitch Sunlight rises..... then sets.... its funny but...its still hard to brliev that... Sometimes it just feels like the day will never end...so far however, its ended everytime... but who knows- 050509 ... mp3 Sunrise, Sunset Tevye's exquisitely poignant song from Fiddler on the Roof, was written by Sheldon Harnick (words) & Jerry Bock (music) http://www.heavenlyharpist.com/mp3/sunrise-sunset.htm 050509 ... AND Webshots - Images of SUNRISE, SUNSET........ ... SUNRISE, SUNSET........ THE BEGINING Fireboat sprays water at sunrise. Crane in the sunset. Sunrising ... community.webshots.com/album/85766568ZdCCJZ - 48k - Cached - Similar pages THE END OF A GORGEOUS DAY ... 050509 ... Twitch I met a girl.....online ...please dont dismiss me as a loser... i've only done it once before... It's nice to have someone ....anyone... yea.. it's late... ishould probably get some sleep...... I love you 9remember9 5my5 3words3 1I1 9LOVE9 9YOU9 ! 050517 ... twitCH i missed this prom. Not because im a huge loner...which isn't to say that i'm not lonely, but because they didnt have a lot of tickets (only 400 for a class of like....well a lot. Wouldnt it be awesome if i actually "make it" next year...and the last song that they'd play would be mine....Dreams are fun...Reality is too limiting. 050518 ... unhinged i guess my journal that is blather is not exactly anonymous, but it's definitely here for all to see if they know how to find it 050518 ... awhitewalrus i didn't go to prom and my mom was sad i don't know why i had plenty of fun that night and everyone i know who went, said it wasn't great so either they're lying and it was awesome or i am missing some reason as to why it's so great and on another note i have been thinking recently about my personality as it appears to others i have never really cared that much before because i like who i am but sometimes i think about things i have just said or done and i realize that sometimes i am such a bitch i don't like being mean so why am i acting like a bitch towards these people that are my friends? do i think that it will make them like me more? i seem to have a great fear of friends deserting me. one day i'll wake up and there will be no one here for me. i don't know why this fear would cause me to be mean, maybe i am bitter towards life in general, maybe i am bitter that two of my best friends are dating and the only guy who likes me has a girlfriend. maybe i'm bitter that all my friends seem to be secure with their current life situations and i am not. maybe i'm bitter, or maybe i am just a bitch. except when i ask, of course they say i'm not, they say i'm subtle. what the hell does that mean? i am a subtle bitch and that's okay because people don't notice? i notice and they notice because they know my basic demeanor, and i tell them more than i tell people who aren't my friends obviously, but other people don't notice? for some reason that is hard for me to believe. i am trying to end this reign of hate, but sometimes i can't control it. it just comes out because that's what i'm feeling. i've always had a problem with keeping some of my feelings to myself, that is when i know what i am feeling. 050518 ... Twitch i dont drink much...at all...yesterday was an attemot... 2 and a half puny glasses of 12 percent wine than the bottle emptied...(i didnt get drunk.) Strangelyenough when i told my mom that i was just doing it to see what it felt like she wasnt angry. 050518 ... twitch ok ithink i got drunk today....no prom tickets sold out parents want me to hang out with kids from our church and wont let me hang out with my friend (cause they think he's not,,,,,well.......goood for me........................eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr --------------------------------------- more news as we get it. 050520 ... twitch i got out and had a decent time that day................ except for when we were in a diner batthroom and my friend said to some hispanic guy that i wanted to take a pic of his balls...(i was taken a pic of myself with my phone at the time.) After the guy came out, he walked to our table and started with "you think i dont know english?" (he thought i said something instead of my friend.) but other than that it was fun... 050522 ... jane i'll be your muse 050522 ... twITch that would be great!!! (amazing how strangers can influence people...the internets cool like that (and a tad unusual)) 050522 ... jane what do you need me to do? 050524 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl aww damn, i always fancied being a muse anyone else need a muse? 050524 ... twitcH no MY MUSE! (hehehe) i dont know...inspire me....through out a seen...an image...so i can write a song or something 050524 ... Twitch lifes all about stayin on top.... here's to life....... 050524 ... jane imagine the white cliffs of dover, made of chalk, with the waves slowly wearing out their sides, and my body laying across the top, in white linen spread over the green grass 050525 ... smells like christmas tarts 6 days ago i nearly died 5 days ago i was thanking god i was alive 4 days ago i was in a state of numbness 3 days ago i was in pain 2 days ago i started worrying about my parents finding out yesterday i stopped worrying, accepting the inevitable today i was bored tomorrow i am going to go out and go crazy with my last few moments of freedom before they do find out and the dreamers' birthday is the day after mine- funny that :) i wanted to have a party, but now im going to be in so much trouble i wont be able to solution: go mental this weekend 050526 ... twitch No///..don't make me go/////////////// (i was supposed to go to a party tonite..........vin all the sudden said no.......in an odd way...its kind of relieving........... three isnt two unless u take me with you.......... tu habla GOD he's a wonder...a true american politician....... the Donald trump of promiswswswswswwwwwqw enufff izz enuff yo fo real!!!!!!!!dsaopjfdskgfghfd;lgmfd;lg lovelvelovelovelovelovelvovevleovleovloelvlovelvoevlev 050527 ... twitch Jesus Brok through the chasm... its all downhill.......from me and you and usssssssssss............ ......................................................... Holyy shit!. monster energy drinks are wicked good.................... (don't i sound like your typical teenager?).... wicked-who cane up with that..................? the new way to call something good is to call it relic...( Man that movie was way relic!) 050528 ... Twitch This thread is one of my big contributions to the blather_blanket. I gotta keep it here 050530 ... TwitcH drip drop 1 aclock time to run...take the gun... How come..........laffed Jesus's brother..................? because(said the irishmen) 84290489328392038290384204839084139084938493028429308 (ver.2493408394/3.353) tried to reply but couldn't.... --------------------------------------- More news as we get it... 050530 ... TWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6 11 am...This should get me up for the day...Now to type some energizing words....... w00t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YEA YEA YEA!!!!!!.... LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DAMNSTRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lolzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!1!1!111@w00t.w00t.comYESAYESA yesa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 050601 ... Twitch Live, die, get by....All to stay at the TOP~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ 050602 ... Twitch stringeddream: hello aardvarkanne: hey ey stringeddream: i want to put u on my blather stringeddream: u r my blather buddy stringeddream: yesa, aardvarkanne: it's funny... you're in my "blather buddies" category aardvarkanne: in aim aardvarkanne: sure stringeddream: j0y aardvarkanne: shrug same name, is all stringeddream: there were four in four out stringeddream: not like before stringeddream: i love you stringeddream: break stringeddream: it stringeddream: off stringeddream: ....but not like yesterday stringeddream: that was grossssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stringeddream: lolzlolzLOLZLOZLaaalala aardvarkanne: flying cows, eh? stringeddream: cuz me and the vibrant ladies of trifiltania were all dealing in the war stringeddream: Breatrh in stringeddream: Breath ou stringeddream: t stringeddream: _)TKF3:@ aardvarkanne: catch a purple polka dot on your tongue stringeddream: (@@@@@@@@@$(@)1-2204-40 stringeddream: thats it stringeddream: the sum of all Parts aardvarkanne: breathe copper lightning, y'know aardvarkanne: yes, yes aardvarkanne: ignite the liver stringeddream: god wasted it on me! stringeddream: but i changed the tide stringeddream: WHOS IN CONTROL NOW stringeddream: HUH? stringeddream: I SAID WHOSSS stringeddream: IN stringeddream: CONTROL! stringeddream: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? aardvarkanne: blink aardvarkanne: same person who always is aardvarkanne: She is. stringeddream: dreeam on back slash vertically to the core dream in a bubble die in the rubble... stringeddream: slatuate all thehat in tateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer tots aardvarkanne: dynamite aardvarkanne: donnie darko aardvarkanne: rabbt stringeddream: yers stringeddream: YES stringeddream: LOVE IT stringeddream: dream stringeddream: flfiod stringeddream: fods stringeddream: fk stringeddream: ds aardvarkanne: yesyesyes stringeddream: not now caosjk dovpfjpfkdodpsfkdfopfpodsfkdspofkOPKPOKFIPJFUCKJ DFUOFHSFJLJKLJCK:XJ"V"LKDSNMKLFFFUFUFUFUFUCKFUCVKLFGUCKGFUFKCUFGKCUFGKCUGFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFCFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU stringeddream: ck stringeddream: lolzzzzzzzzzzzzZaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------why did i post this ///? idk..... why not? ???? (oMG DEEP QUESTION!!!!) 050603 ... anne-girl laughs merrily why not, indeed? 050603 ... Twitch My necks alittle stiff... Work at 3 to 10....arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg............ Who knows what the day will hold. 050604 ... Twitch reflect deflct tickle 050609 ... Twitch I'm tryin to live without thinking now...bezause when I think i get depressed. ....i took a fall on my bike 050617 ... Twitch I'm still alive to all who....well none of you know me anyway... I'm trying to finnish songs now...trying to live for something... but It's hard to enjoy life. 050629 ... Twitch damn...that last post was written so long ago.... and I've only written like one real song since then... I've gotta get on top of things. In other news... I met a girl yesterday...I think I love her... Me, my sis, her BF, and another girl from our church whom I brought (I'm not a church kid...she's just cool) went to the mall... As always, being the attention whoring son of a bitch that I am, I brought ny guitar and harmonicas. We were gonna see dukes of hazzard (idk how great it is....it's just something to do) and I saw an old friend. The other girl that I brought (from church knew another guy who was there...so it was cool. Anyway they were goin to the pool hall...(Except for the guy that that the girl i brought knew...hew had work.) Make a long story short... I invited her to come and she didnt... I went to the pool hall... fell in love with a girl (who has a bf...but the relationships bad) and got my dad to pick me up at like 12 00. (Both my parents were pissed that i didnt stay with everyone (specifically the girl) to see the movie...and i had to pay like 25$ for gas money...) YAY! 050816 ... Twitch I don't know about the girl... she makes me feel so second rate. (alrite...so we only met 3 times in the past 3 days) still, and this is hard for me to say...even online, she makes me jealous. I hate to say it...whatever. 050818 ... twitch the girl doesnt like me....i called her up yesterday night...she was drunk... and just kinda blurted it out. she told me she likes her old bf (whom she broke up with like 2 days ago and that she doesn't like me "like that." 050819 ... Twitch ok... im pretty sure her BF called me on the phone. It was some guy who obviously didnt like me...I played it cool though. I hope to god he IM's me so I can give out his SN and have tons of people fuck with him. 050820 ... Twitch I was down at the shore where,I had the pleasure of being a Five_minute_god as i have been so many times before. yay! ( Lets see if the people I gave My Screen Name to IM me.) and i also got a new Harmonica.! 050823 ... Twitch I tried weed last Wdnsday... NEVER AGAIN SHALL I TRY THIS... O man..I just turned into this lonely guy... The only thing I had was Jesus (Though I'm Not a real Christian) I didnt even pay attention to this world... I though i might die... errr.. In other news... I'm takin a pretty lady to the movies tonite... shes fickle ... but...i just cant help liking her. 050828 ... Twitch SO I took her out yesterday. I think she has my problem reversed...I almost never go out...(though when I do .. I try to make it a big thing and make a bunch of new friends) She seems tired of going out...and has the same friends almost every time. 050829 ... Twitch Well... It's hard...we love pretty far. (and I can't drive yet) She's such a bad-ass compared to me. I'm a virgin to just about everything...but in a weird way, I think thats part of why she likes me. FUCK...School starts tommorrow... I'm hoping that this year will kick ass...I guess we'll find out. 050831 ... Twitch Today was the_first_day_of_school and (needless to say, it sucked. I'd say more but its kind of late (it is a school night after all:-( 050901 ... Twitch Blah blah blah. School is bad. I love my Ruthie. All I need is Cigarettes_Coffee_People_and_Music . 050906 ... Twitch ok...I need a backbone. I depend on peoples opinions way too much...and the fact that I have no REAL friends only makes this more painful. I have two basic options here... Break down...become depressed (as I've been so many times before) or Be my own best friend and grow a backbone. The latter is what I want to strive for. People who really like themselves tend to make friends easily anyway (the very ones who don't need them) 050907 ... Twitch I Smoked in the Boys Room today! YAY for me.. Blah 050909 ... kelc Calre McWatt lives in a nice house, with a mean dog, a noisy bird and a fish she pokes just to make sure it's alive. and thats how far i got today. 050909 ... Twitch I've gotten nowhere. I've almost written no new songs since the first time I psted. I still dont hav a steady band. I did kind of have a girl...(but thats all too often the case.) ok...blatherskytes. How_do_I_improve_my_live 050915 ... Twitch damnit! it tried to be slick....but NOOO!!! I had to misspell my blathe. the real question I'm asking here is... How_do_I_Improve_my_life 050915 ... Twitch Sleep... Driver's Test Oct4. Life isnt that Bad. 050920 ... Twitch I love blathering from school... It's nice to know someone from the "Outside World" can still hear my voice. 050929 ... Twitch Blathering from school again! (same class too) Today should be OK...(If I type postively, maybe I'll feel better) In fact, today WILL be GREAT... It will be an awesome day.! I mean, come on, I'm Ben Kurtzer, How can i not love this life..? (this is really starting to help) I like to Type_positvely 050930 ... Twitch She's so much more bad_ass then I am. SHe does drugs... A LOT I don't...the last time I tried weed I freaked the fuck out and told my friend that I "wanted Jesus to have his way with me" (i thought i might die I guess) the effexor I was on could have caused the problem...or maybe it's just the way I am... I just don't wanna go through another tim like that again...and I'd hate for her to see me like that. ANyway...she's the bad-ass who has slept with many people and does drugs, and I'm the virgin guitar player who only smokes four fuckin cigarettes a day. She says she loves me... but how could it possibly work.? 051002 ... Twitch she_says_she'll_stop_doing_drugs_for_me .. If she would really do that for me I really think that we could make it. It bothers me to see her in a different world...one that is strictly in her mind... One where I am not. 051005 ... Twitch You ever feel like life is a movie... or maybe a dream... I dont really like that feeling...I want to Plug_back_in 051010 ... fal i feel that way all the time and wonder whether there's ever an audience watching me. 051010 ... Twitch Yes... Today...I'll try to stop that feeling... (i've never really set goals like that...) fun 051011 ... f this place is like painting a picture - there's no history palette 051012 ... Twitch I was reading something I wrote before ---------------------------------------- there's this prett girl i met at a weekend camp in upstate newyork... yea ill try not to get my hopes up... i mean i havent seen her since it (like almost a week ago) and probably won't for a while... Not that she's that far from me...it jus probably won't happen. i can pretend though... damn...right now there are children dieing, murderers killing, lovers fucking (not the most poetic word but it gets the job done ;-) ) and all i'm thinking about is some girl who i'll probably not even talk to in a year.... --------------- but hey............... thats life. -4/28/05 --------------------------------------- Funny... I havent talked to this girl in a while... Maybe I'll see how she's doin 051012 ... Twitch Alright... so yesterday I see some of my lady friends in the hall near the stairs... and i bust out my harmonica. Next thing I know this football player says "you do no that no one likes you because you play the harmonica, right?" Now... at the end of last year (during class elections)...I had gone up in front of the whole Junior class, said I am running for " Class_God " and played a song about my friend Billy's Mom (billy happens to be one of the " Cool_Kids " in school. Well the whole class applauded. Maybe, I am still a loser...but I can always look back on that... Man, What an asshole. 051013 ... twitch Damnit...I'm hungry. But...overall..I'm feeling pretty happy. 051017 ... IGG waves hope you're feeling ok. 051018 ... Twitch Got my license! Unfortunately, I dont know where anything is... (New Jersey's small enough...it shouldn't take that long anyway.) 051018 ... Twitch blah blah ... lets learn where things are today... lets be something today... If I'm goin to pick up my girl for homecoming, I have to learn where she lives. 051019 ... Twitch I'll learn... It'll be fine. (confidence is the word of the day ladies and gentleman!) 051020 ... Twitch Got lost on the way to work yesterday. Missed some turn and BAM! all the sudden I didn't know where the fuck I was. I called to say I'd be late and Ben (a guy who works with me...and shares my name) guided me through it. Damn...how the hell am I gonna get to Ruthie's house? 051021 ... Twitch My parents picked up my sister's boyfriend at a church...and they decided that I would follow them and pick up Ruthie there...so it worked... it was a decent evening... --------------------------------------- Alright... I went to homecoming, which basically consisted of walking around, finding the people that I know, and "dancing" (more of a mixture between making out, and moving my legs rythmically.) It was ok... left early...Drove to a dunkin donuts and a diner...(she had to help me get there) She's got way too many ex-boyfriends... and drug problems. I love her...but It's hard to not get down when she talks about all that stuff... I figure I'll stick with being her "boyfriend when her boyfriend's not there" and leave it at that. 051024 ... Twitch Wow... I'm noticing that all my balthes are...well kind of Emo. It's misleading...If you were to see me in my element you'd never think of me like that. Maybe deep down I'm just messed_up. 051025 ... Twitch and I thought I had problems before... Now I just got back from a car_accident... yea...the car's done... my mom's in the room helping me through it right now... she's too good for someone like me... nevermind...she saw me type that...and now she's giving me the ol' "Don't say that, your fine the way you are"...or something like that... but the truth is...I'm not fine...I barely care about anything...and it's a real problem...even this car accident was a bit too mild on me... what am I talking about.,.... It's gonna be like a month before I can drive... this does suck 051025 ... Twitch Alright... It's come to this. A Self-Analysis. I constanly feel like shit... Not all the time...but ..I don't know maybe it's getting better.. I need to bit the bullet of depression and stop letting it hit me... like a... a pussy. I never say that... but I think that's the correct term for how I've been acting. So what if I have a "Chemical-Imbalance" I need to break through.. --------------------------------------- I skipped school today. I was tired and I'm not used to getting up so early for the bus anymore (I used to have a car) I'll say it again... What a pussy thing to do. WHat I need to do is unpussify my self. Fight Depression, and this constant feeling of apathy. I Need to at least TRY and like something. Play a song and TRY and really get into it... --------------------------------------- For now...I think I'll finish pulp_fiction (iI just rented it...and so far it's been awesome. THen maybe I'll call up my friend and try and go out. Or organize my book-bag (It's a mess.) SOMETHING to Unpussify myself. 051027 ... Twitch So I snuch out of the house at 1 am on Saturday night... My sister followed me... Long story short...I no longer have internet at my house and have to blathe from school. 051031 ... Twitch damnit....snuck 051031 ... Twitch Well, it's been a while since I've blathed. And amazingly enough, life still goes on. 051103 ... Twitch Well I'm slightly more free now. I can kind of go on the internet now. I just have to leave an assignment undone, and then ask to go onto the computer to finish it. The internet's back on! YAY! 051105 ... Twitch i just realized that going "YAY!" sounds rather... well, queer... it was a mood thing anyway. 051106 ... oren Yippee! 051106 ... Twitch Eating Ramen noodles and listening to five_for_fighting ... can't say I've ever done this before...kinda nice 051110 ... Twitch i think eating ramen noodles and listening to five_for_fighting is right up there with having a cigarrette and coffee. 051116 ... Twitch I need to fix my connection... starting here... Get_Into_Life 051117 ... Switch heres where it ends...and something else begins... I'll be someone...it's that simple. 051121 ... 123 how_do_you_prove_your_existence 051121 ... Twitch I don't know if I exist... Some things just hae to be assumed. 051122 ... Twitch This thanksgiving I'm probably going to be handing out stress balls in New York for some organization that wants to help messed up families... It's not out of my own free will...but my famiy's doing it...and my Grandma wants me to. I suppose I should be greatful that I have a family... but I'll probably just smoke a cigar and try to make some friends in the city. ^_^ 051123 ... Twitch Man, I want to move back near my old town. I went there yesterday for a coffee house concert and I realized how much I miss it. 051126 ... Twitch I was the one giving the orders at work yesterday.(for a change) It was just me and Delores (a new worker) so all the pressure was on me (as much pressure as shoprite can put on you.) I can't believe I finished everything. I've always been the young lazy one, but last night I had to, as Mario would say, "Kick It In." 051130 ... Twithc Words_of wisdom... Relax...Don't_think_too_much. Enjoy.. and Free yourself up! 051201 ... Twitch It's been a while since I've taken adderall, so I took it today. I feel like I'm finally free...Like I don't have to harp on what people think. I'm diagnosed with ADD...but the depression is what kills me. It's helping it a lot 051202 ... witch well..it did...and then I realized that it made my heart beat too fast... but now My Love affair with adderall has come into bloom again... 051212 ... Twitch well..it did...and then I realized that it made my heart beat too fast... but now My Love affair with adderall has come into bloom again... 051212 ... Twitch Man...Double_blathing isn't cool. 051212 ... Twitch Andn now...for my fellow blatherskites... a poem I worte a while back. "Coffee" Coffee, Hot, sweet cup of love Kinda like my girl, Only it isn’t addicted to drugs. --------------------------------------- I don't see the girl much anymore... but man...I love this poem that she helped inspire... 051216 ... andru235 very interesting poem, twitch. it made me smile, then gasp, frown, gasp, and smile once more. it triggered an emotional palindrome within me. 051216 ... Twitch Here....have another...courtesy of poetry class... Shallow My dreams were knitted in the parking lot of bowling alley. I could have said so much more, but I’m just not that confident. She was the stranger I kissed, And the audience I sang to. She liked me, and I know I could have had an impact on her. But no, I ignored the codeine she snorted and just made out. “Way to be shallow Ben!” “Way to be shallow…” I could have said anything…any goddamn thing. “Chill on the drugs” could have done. “Don’t snort that shit!” would have broken the ice also… But no…Instead I inhaled my words. She snorts her drugs and I inhale my words. 051220 ... Twitch So i went to this poetry reading at school yesterday (It was a chance to get extra credit.) I hate to say it...I really do....but man was it lame... about 40 kids showed up in the begining (not alot for this school) and near the end they slowly trickled out... I read 2 poems...tried to sing some songs... but, it was stale...way too stale 051221 ... Twitch I have to say...I've kept this thread up for a long time. It's rare that I stick to anything (except maybe smoking, and coffee) It must be beacause of it's simplicity... I don't really have to do anything other then type... who cares if what I say is good... Most of the people that make up blather are not very judgemental... and the others... I don't know... their fucking asses... (I never say things like that...... (feels kinda good...) Yea....but then of course...in saying that, I am being a judgemental ass-hole... I suppose the correct point of action here is to ignore my contradictions and say Fuck_it! and so... "Fuck_it!" 051224 ... Twitch Tony Danza cuts in line Standing in the sun I'm wasting my time Old school Hollywood baseball Jack Gilardi's ten feet tall Old school Hollywood baseball Me and Frankie Avalon why do i dig that song so much... It's funny...My other half doesnt really have any disputes about any music I like by other people... For a while I was a Bit of a Beatles_Purist. There was some other stuff I'd listen to...but the beatles were what I would measure everything by... Anyway...System of a down was on the radio...and I was really enjoying the song... so finally... I Let_go and now I really like them... --------------------------------------- anyway...on with "the_situation" I was invited to a new years eve party... (through my Five_Minute_God status I suppose) It's far...and I don't have a car...not that I'd know how to get there anyway. The plan is that I'll take off work early and take the train with my sister... (she wants to see her boyfriend...) I'll be picked up through someone, and she'll have time with Mike (her "Man") The problem is that My Dear, sweet parents insist I take the last train back at about 1 30 am... I'm afraid my instincts will not allow me to comply... I have an decent chance of getting laid, and a 100% chance of getting intoxicated. if I get there at about 7:50 pm (which is probably what would happen) I wouldn't have enough time to really enjoy myself. I can probably get a ride home later the next day...but mumsy violently opposes this idea. (Probably in fear of the reasons I want to go in the first place...) I mean...she knows I'll be drunk...but what would really bother her is any sex (though she'd never come out and say it) We're christians here...and sex before marriage= evil. It's rare that I go to a party...I'm not about to pass this up. --------------------------------------- ...ahhhh the problems of a 17 year old. 051229 ... camille I found this anonymous journal on the net... Ode to the Pile of Journals in the box beside my bed.. i pluck them out of order like teeth from a skull reading at random from life pressed between Brocade Chinatown covers and school notebooks spirally bound see this pile of paper? Here lies proof of all I have been witness this trail of thought eroding the hard mantle of my psyche leaving fractal canyons carved in these bones, my life each page a path a creak bed now dry through which my soul once ran as liquid streaming towards this future as mist streaming the past through some journals i have fled while others were each page savored despite an odd fear running counterpoint to the happiness a reluctant knowing that I must let go of happiness as eagerly as I let go of pain but why keep a diary i can only make excuses if not for one reason then surely another and when i gather these selves together we have a lot in common but we are not the same how many of us realize all the selves we have been? so many worlds are diverging on the planet now there is the hardcore urban new york where we live in concrete canyons i'm cold the gay community left this area and moved to the twenties actually many of them died in the aids wave and the survivors got the creeps renting apartments where the previous tenant had just finished wasting to death, it's so urban uh oh somehow i managed to spend 3 wks in new york without making money now i'm broke again and have to make an effort to not freak out & freeze up as I have a tendency to do back from cruz to the frozen desert saw some animal spirit dances at wayotola pueblo yesterday pretty trippy reminded me of tibet so high, cold, sharpside sun, womp womp drums rattles and bell dancers with antlers and feathers etc. sometimes this view is so depressing there is often one lone guy who goes around out there on that thing they sometimes call a river a kayak and it's like seeing a nightmare version of man and nature. they say he works on wall street though that might be urban myth ** found notations in notebook possibly found on snarg.net was interesting reading 051230 ... Twitch The party was great, and I came upon a bit of a realization...I need to get the fuck outta here... I can't stand it, I live in the sticks. It's just wat too rare that I get to do anything out here. Having fun with friends about 40 minutes away was refreshing. No wonder that I finally lost it yesterday at home. I totally just flipped a shit in front of my parents. Throwin shit, screaming "we gotta move"... I mean....it might seem a wee bit drastic, but to have so much fun with friends and then just come_back_to_nowhere... I don't know, this is killing me. 060102 ... Twitch It's funny... Blather has always been a place where I casually ramble in front of strangers But now, I'm afraid I know some of you (I'm talkin 'bout you anne-girl) Hopefully this won't change my blathing_style...endlessly rambling about my insecurities, Crying over stupid shit, And just blathing_about_nothing. ...but then again, that's what I'm known for anyway... I have no one to live up to but myself. And if I want to change suddenly...well, thats ok too. 060103 ... Twitch wrote a new song... maybe i should be excited but I_just_don't_care. "why?" you ask (GO ON ASK IT) I hate where I live... and the_girl hasn't spoken to me since I said good-bye in a sophisticated manner. Now that whole "blah_feeling" , that I'm sure you're all far too familier with, is coming back... 060103 ... Twitch Right now, I don't feel Blah at all. I'm afraid emotions are all to superficial. But then, what else do we have? 060105 ... Twitch no school tommorrow. Parents watned me to go to some teen counseling thing (Hey as long as it's during school why not?) i don't want to get that blah_feeling again...but I can feel it starting to creep up on me again. 060105 ... SHIT * The_No_Evil_Rule * No Evil... 060105 ... Twitch It makes sense, but I don't want to live in a box. I'd prefer to start by being more stable on the inside. But How do I get that? 060106 ... Twitch Yesterday... quite a day, in the life a_young_man_name_ben. Went to Westfield in my car. Of course, I had to drive my dad to pick up his car...and I followed him just to be sure I knew the way. Told the girl I'd meet her at about 3:30 Met some enticing people, and had my moment as a five_minute_god. We went and saw the producers...and did some edgy things...(Not a usual case) I can tell she wants to be like that...maybe she just never had the chance. Now because I don't want to keep on typing... We'll fast forward to the car. ... which i feel a bit guilty talking about... so I won't say much...except that there was no lovemakin...but it was definately in that ball park... and what made this so awkward was the lack of room...and the people passing by occasionally. and so...it really wasn't that fulfilling. 060108 ... Twitch mon_ami... I fucking love the way that sounds. It reminds of my X-men days... y'know...with Gambit. I'll try to use it a bit more... of course...if I use it now...it'll stick out a bit... anyway...I have a car again... accidently parked in a teacher's spot (I didn't know any better at the time) I figure I'll tell them it was an accidednt at lunch....so they don't get all pissy. Lets see... I had my Three_day's_grace so's I can get my tolerance down, and start taking adderall again. And now, I'm feeling pretty fuckin' good...(despit the fact that my grades are an abomination) Ahh well...I've been slackin' off so long, it's only fair that I start to fail. Of course, I won't fail...(this is just God's way of scaring me.) 060109 ... 16000 What's_reality... 060109 ... Twitch ah man, don't even get me started with a deep question like that. I'm afraid if I really took a long look at whether or not anything was real, I wouldn't be able to function. 060110 ... Twitch woke up at about 8 15 today... just in time to completely miss my first period. ALthough it's study hall...I already have the maximum number of absences for it...so I was freakin out a bit. Yes, I did still find time to have a ciggy... and no...I can't recall taking my nexium or my adderall. I suppose I should be greatful though... I talked to the attendance people and I doubt that this will have any real repricussions. but for now...my first goal is to get adderall...and maybe some heartburn medicine along the way. 060111 ... Twitch So...about an hour after I though that I didn't take my adderall it kicked in...so I must have taken it. Before this, however, I managed to get a pass allowing me to drive home (which I did during lunch) and get it. Not wanting to waste this oppurtunity I did go home... smoked a ciggy, heated up some wantan soup, let the dogs out, and took my nexium (which I had also forgot.) It'd be nice if we were allowed to go somewhere for lunch (I know a lot of schools do it)... but no... for some reason we have to stay locked up inside this building until that bell_of_freedom. 060111 ... Twitch Today was dull... a bit of a waste. Now yesterday was more interesting. Party. Well, first it was ice-skating... but the party was what stood out in my mind. Of course...the only reason I went is because of Adam, whom I know through work. it was fun... Drank a bit...played Beer_Pong for the first time. And later I smoked a little pot. It was only my third time...and it was ok. I wasn't like "Wow This is Great" but it wasn't anywhere near as horrible as my first time. and I slept well after. -- I need a steady crowd. I don't hang out with anyone in particular... 060114 ... Twitch I came across this John Lennon Songwriting Contest. They say they don't make any judgements on recording quality, but rather originality, melody, composition, and lyrics (when applicable) Maybe I'll have a shot... I should definately give this a try. 060117 ... Twitch Performance went spectacular...I accidently stopped after the first chorus, but then just explained "the songs way too long" haha...it was great. And now I'm off to play with a band in Easton...This should be fun. 060121 ... Twitch a blathe that I made before needs to be put in this journal...simply because it expressed what I wanted to say so well =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Twitch I was reading one of my past blathes entitled how_do_you_think_i_sing, and I re-read a response from Andru235. --------------------------------------- do you like how you sing? more importantly, do you like singing? what is more important to you, the joy music brings you, or impressing other people? are you a fan of the number 5,632.6341? if you had to pick your nose, right this moment, would you pick a crooked one, or perhaps one that was bulbous? --------------------------------------- I'm afraid that gaining appreciation from other's is more important to me right now than the music itself. I hate admitting that ...it makes me out to be a selfish bastard who uses an art in an effort to to boost his self-esteem. It makes me a pawn. And even if I had all the talent in the world...it would not erase that horrible title. I want to erase what I have just written but it would further prove how much I care about my image, even if only to myself. Don't get me wrong...I don't do a whole lot to fit in...I don't feel a need. I don't want to be like that. I wanna be the main event. And for some reason I want to be known as a good songwriter and singer. maybe pawn was a bad word-choice (though I still refuse to erase it.) I'm more of an entertainer who depends too much on his crowd. 060122 ... Twitch how can someone be happy? I can't quite trace it... I'm afraid that if I actually achieve my dream, it will only satisfy me for a little while. Maybe if I'm to be happy at all it needs to start now. Ultimately, accomplishing things might not really make me any more happy. But for now...I need to pass my classes. 060123 ... Twitch went out to the pool hall about two hours ago. It was a nice break sitting around sulking in lonliness. Kids from my school were there, and, as is usually the case, I entertained them and had the pleasure of playing with'em. 060124 ... Twitch Today is a nothing to do day... rather then feeling blah, I need to use this gift. I have to return a DVD...so I might as well stop bye a krauzers and get coffee or something. That'll probably lead to going into town a bit...and maybe seeing people I know. I need to finish my Spanish Mid-Term tommorrow (I have a 504 so I can take an extra day to do it) Of course, I take full advantage of this...and don't really do anything I don't know on the first day (which consisted of at least half of my Spanish Test) I'll just bring in some notes or something...and act like its another page to the test. I know it's not my most honest moment...but I'm not really lieing about anything. 060126 ... Twitch went to a party for my store yesterday. It was pretty fun...but then again it's rare that I'm around that many people outside of a school setting, so no matter what it was bound to be an alright time for me. Any uncomfortable moments of silence were cured by going out for a ciggy. 060129 ... Twitch where will I go...what shall i do? 060131 ... dipperwell Don't take this the wrong way, but you strike me as a social mangrove; someone whose foundation is at the passing whim of the ocean - the water being, of course, everyone else on the planet. You need the ocean to define you as a mangrove; to send you off in new directions, to lap approvingly at your shores, but never do you anchor your roots on your own terms; never do you ignore the ocean, never do you figure out who you are outside of the ocean's pull. So what I want to know - and I mean this with all respect and tact - is: Was there a defining moment when you lost faith in yourself and invested it entirely in others, or was it a gradual thing? And why does it matter if anyone knows you exist? 060131 ... Twitch a defining moment? I don't know... I suppose it was gradual. I used to be the cocky kid who thought highly of himself...(I'm talkin when I was like 10) I thought I was smart...and in a way I think I was right to think that. I had a gift with words... but even then...I entertained everyone else in class...I was "the crazy kid." I'll compare it to Sophmore Year in Highschool. This is when I started literally carrying my guitar around in the hallways, writing funny songs about the kids. They all loved it...and I suppose the more attention I got, the more I craved. Now it's my senior year and I've moved. It took a little while, but I've established myself as a bit of an entertainer here too. I don't know why it has to be this way. Nothing makes me feel better then a ton of people cheering me on. --------------------------------------- now for what i did today.------------------------------------ Went to an extremely cute girl's house after school to play guitar. To my surprise, soon after entering her house she wanted to smoke up. I had been there once before, and I didn't remember her like that (though she probably was...as she told me that she started smoking weed at 14. I didn't take a hit or anything. I explained that I had to drive and just lit up a ciggy. about an hour and a half later, as I'm driving to work...I suddenly realize that I'm high. She had smoked with mr in a smaller room and my tolerance is probably way down there. Still...why would it hit me then? 060201 ... Twitch ska? Well-Dressed hipsters "skanking" to a modern day punk version of swing? I went to one of these shows with some friends. And I loved it. Well...kind of...I mean...I couldn't really do the dance...but I'll learn. I also realized how much I can enjoy so many different types of music. Whatever song I here in a given moment takes up my mind so that any other song can't sound as good. (This is pretty much true for everyone though) ahh and the day before this I got drunk with some of my "far-away" friends nearsome train tracks. And I looked up this thing called Depersonalization... according to some wonderful website... "Depersonalization can include feelings of being: unreal disembodied unattached dead puppet-like robot-like like a lifeless, two dimensional, 'cardboard' figure' made of cotton-wool having mechanical actions a spectator " then there's derealiztion which the website "as: spaciness like in a dream like looking through a veil a sensory fog, spaced-out in a goldfish bowl behind glass withdrawn flat dream-like " of course...Everytime you here something like this...you feel like you have it... Though sometimes I really do get into this problem where ...Someone's talking...and all the sudden...I realize that we are restricted to a language...and that somehow I can understand this bizzarre form of communication. Of course after I think about this I really can't listen to people...I mean...I understand what they say but...I really don't hold on to it... I'm afraid it's rather difficult to explain. ...... whatever...it's dumb anyway...and I probably don't have it. 060205 ... Twitch How did I confuse "Hear" for "Here"? I hate embarrassing corrections like this. 060205 ... Twitch Lots of Snow... Didn't have to show up for work...and I probably won't have school tommorrow. 060212 ... Twitch Jammed with this guy, named Guy. We played at some cafe and had fun. He's pretty good...and despite his shy nature he has a lot of confidence that he'll make it. His tastes are a bit too restricted...a little too	220419