|
| |
yummychuckle_has_a_mini_crisis
|
|
|
yummychuckle
|
involving her mother sayingshe hates her and holding her by the throat to the wall.
involving running like hell to get out of the house.
involving going to a safe place,
involving being ripped from that place and put in another.
involving crying and being lost and hurt.
involving the realization that her best friend, YET AGAIN does not care because none of them ever has.
involving me deciding to get out of here. Im running away.
and 'll write all of he story and more when i get to school tomorrow. but now i shuld attempt to get sleep while I still have sanctuary in someone elses home.
|
020416
|
| |
... |
|
|
birdmad
|
whew, for a minute i thought it said you had a mini_christ
(sudden mental picture of Verne "mini-me" Troyer dressed as Jesus)
|
020416
|
| |
... |
|
|
blown cherry
|
I wish I could say you could stay at mine yummy, but I fear the travelling time to get to school might be too great a hindrance for you.
|
020416
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
this will be typed in parts because I only have the computer at school for now and only during breaks...
~~~
when you say to a person who only has words, and clings to them as the structure of their entire being, that you hate them...something must break...Especially if you are that persons mother and you say it like this " I. HATE. YOU." while looking in their eyes and holding them by the neck.
Or say this isn't somebody else. That I was afraid for everyone, and I was sick and tired of this shit, and it hurt for ME to hear the shouting, swer words, clatter, anger shimmying and swimming across the ceiling. flooding the house. And I heard my mom tell me to call the police as a threat to her boyfriend who she was fighting with.
|
020416
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
and I had promised I would in an earlier discussion on her figths with mark...
so I dialed 911 and spoke calmly to the woman with the soothing voice and told her it was only a verbal argument so far. She said that she'd have apoliceman stop by and talk to them. nothing big. minor minor minor.
|
020417
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
and, so, skipping all the details I was planning on including...
police came, mom got pissed, shut the door and screamed and screamed, told me she hated me while looking in my fucking eyes and held me to the wall by the neck,a nd the whole time all i was trying to do was get outside so I could get into donnas car. donna is my friend (who now lives in cali with her dad)'s mom and she closer to being my mom than my own mom...
anyway i finally escaped...literally...and RAN out the front door. I felt like a slave that had been freed: the initial "YES!!! I'm free!!!" and then the moment after, where you think "ok...now what?" and theres that sort of unhappy realization.
so i got to donnas and things were a little better. it was calm. then my mom called donna, they faught over the phone...then my aunt showed up and donna and my aunt argued about where i should go. I ended up going to my aunts house ....
|
020417
|
| |
... |
|
|
good people
|
come to my house! (not very likely, im in colorado... but its the thought that counts, right?)
|
020417
|
| |
... |
|
|
a bird under a rock
|
just so you know, i wasn't trying to make light of your situation with the mini_christ thing earlier...i was just having a weird moment is all
|
020417
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckl
|
and got a little sleep. went to school, went to donnas afterschool. My mom had called donna and said she wanted to go to therapy with me and her boyfriend. and she talked to me on the phone but i told her i didnt want to talk about it. I stayed at donnas last night. tonight i'm supposed to go home because its my grandmothers birthday thing. i dont want to even let my mom talk. she already did all the talking. the only thing i said when we were fighting was "please dont hold me by the neck
|
020417
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
so i plan on packing up and leaving for school in the morning with the stuff i can handle carrying. I will go home with Eve and stay with her for at least thursday night. friday night, who knows. my friend shoshanna and I will be hanging out. maybe I'll stay with her.
thus begins Jamie's adventure being homeless. I'd rather be homeless than live in that house with my mom and her asshole boyfriend.
but i dont think i finished the story.
last night i grabbed my journal and extra stuff from my house (i stayed at donnas again)...and upon returning to donnas i discovered that all my journal entries had been ripped out.
ripped out ripped out torn torn torn.
Those were things I didnt want people to know. it was honestly how i felt about everything, itw as everything ive done in the past five months. it had details on sex I've had and people around me and ME. but sex! my mom read all these details that i dont want anyone to know but were there so i could remember, and reflect, and just...know. and feel it. but my mom says she hates me, hurts me physicallly (not that badly so i cant whine), and takes my own words from me. and I dont even know what happened to them. i dont know where the are. its my writing. its the most personal thing i could poddibly have. i just feel raped. i feel so wrong. how do i...even LOOk at my mother anymore? i can't.
and its going to be hard enough to bear it for one more night, until i get my stuff out of that house. and i dont even know how I'll get the majority of my crap out. like my guitar and everything.
she also took my address book...and some people in there--i have no way of contacting them now. at all.
why would she do this to me?! IM SORRY that i called the police. all they did was talk for 4 minutes and nodded and agreed that everything was fine, so they'd leave and they got our names and that was it. and because of that, my mom hates me.
and because of that, i am homeless. my dad wont take me. and i dont think i would be able to LIVE in my moms house. it would just be me dying and dying. and that might be just what i do anyway.
i dont know what to say anymore. my words are stolen from me. and possibly destroyed. i cannot replace them, the feeling the thoughts. everything. its my life.
|
020417
|
| |
... |
|
|
velvetdesire
|
i wish i could
hold you
and rock you back
and forth
and tell you that
everything will be
all right
and i know it
sounds cliche,
but i mean it
i really
honestly
do.
|
020417
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
why can't i veiw this page?
|
020418
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
now I can.
i will be
the difference between a run away and a bum.
in between everything, the gray that i hate so much, the shades of my life.
update: supposedly my mom called the police and reported me as a run away, but I dont think she'd do that. i spent the night at a friends last night, and tonight at another friends, tomorrow night at a party at a friends house, night after that I'll be camping with friends, after that I don't know. I know i need more clothes/socks. I have four outfits, though...which is a good amount.
my dad doesnt want me to live with him in Maryland. but he'll have to deal with it anyway because once I am in maryland, i will NOT come back to Hawaii. *(no foolies)*.
myjournalmyjournalmyjournalmyjournal.
i am so glad I took my 15 filled journals to Donna's house a week before the whole incident happened. I could have lost everything. instead just like 5 months or so.
eve is mad at me.
|
020418
|
| |
... |
|
|
stork daddy
|
i ain't mad at ya
|
020418
|
| |
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
oh you poor thing
honestly
i know my pity and sadness at your situation probably doesn't mean much and i definitely would not call this a 'mini' crisis. god. you poor thing.
|
020418
|
| |
... |
|
|
possessed angel
|
I wish I was your friend. I wish I could say or do something, anything to help you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you until everything is all better. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you it'll all be alright.
I wish that I could be there with you, homeless and alone, and somehow know how to help.
I wish that I could give you a ray of light and I really wish that I was your friend.
|
020418
|
| |
... |
|
|
Toxic_Kisses
|
*Deep sigh* I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read and re-read over this blath and wanted to say something (anything) encouraging and inspiring to give you strength during this turbulent time in your life, yet every time I get to this blank screen I’m left gazing @ it w/ a total loss of words, nonetheless I want you to know that if theirs any way in witch I can help that I will, all you need do is let me know, I’ll be here for you whenever you need me
|
020419
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
thanks everyone...don't feel worthless, it really helps to know someone cares. I feel kind of... i don't know...i shouldn't be getting all this. its not that hard to just not see my mom.
she emailed me a couple times and i just wrote her back saying that I wasnt coming home, that iw asnt mad just upset and hurt. and that i loved her and I was fine. and thats really all i think she deserves right now. How can she want me to forgive her and get over this after, like, a week, when I didnt do anything i shouldn't have except call the cops? she did everything, she yelled and talked and hurt me and read my journal, ripped it apart, and now she expects me to move on because its what we're supposed to do supposedly. and a week is supposed to be enough time for me to forgive her. and soon enough i will be the selfish teenager. in one of her emails she mentioned how my brother isaac ran away on my eighth birthday and how it killed her and how shes dying inside. im sorry, im sorry, its all I've ever been able to say to her anyway!! i dont want her to be "dying inside", but how am I supposed to just give like that???? i can't suddenly have this amazing relationship with her because we've "worked through all this". its too much to ask to just guilt me into going back home so i can be sad again. I dont want to talk about it. she said that tonight i need to come home so we can talk about it. i have nothing to say. i ran out of words. i tried to write poetry and its all gone. all i have is this awful tight pain in the back of my throat and behind my eyes. and its all my fault because I hurt my mom by running away. I dont get it.
donna has been talking to my mom and talked my mom into letting me stay with her AT LEAST until therapy starts. but my mom made no mention of it (i talked to her last night on the phone for 5 minutes. it was mostly her talking about how she feels.)so i dont know. its bascially, i stay with donna or i stay at random places and my mom will not know where I am.
i have to go
|
020423
|
| |
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
forgiveness
it's not an easy thing. and it doesn't make the problems go away either.
|
020423
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
i am at my moms house and I want out. bad. bad bad. nothing has changed.
|
020424
|
| |
... |
|
|
Casey
|
I wish my friends and I went to your school. Then I'd be like, this girl is very cool, she's our friend and she can hang out and stay with us all she wants and we will give her hugs (because that's what we do) and everything will heal.
|
020424
|
| |
... |
|
|
phil
|
if yummychuckle is still alive...
The world is horrible place.
I explain things to my mom all the time, but she fails to listen.
She gets all her fail safe notions from her mother.
I go somewhere I've never been before, randomly grab a book and read it. But she keeps getting the same books.
The world isn't as big as it seems.
I tell my mom all sorts of things that I thought of, that I just make up on the spot. But she is convinced she could never be like that, never be creative, never become anything she wants to be. She is convinced about where we all belong, she is the worse authority on the matter I can think of.
Her mother is even worse,
my grandparents that the cough my grandfather has, is coming from the furnace room, I told them 12 times, but they just never listened. They told me they got a new furnace. I had to force them to understand what I was saying, something that matters, that has a reason.
Dealing with your parents is like being dragged into hell, they still have this power over me, although they shouldn't, where they can decide what I should do with my life, and decide when I am wrong. I have never had anything more difficult in my life.
My father is more reasonable, he explains himself, and helps me see the way he sees it. But it scares you for a long time, when he gets mad at you, and then tells you he's sorry.
My mother started doing that first, but she would apologize for things I wasn't even upset about. My father apologizes while I was still crying.
They fail to accept the fact they MADE me go to college, after I graduated highschool with this totally low gpa, and not a single class to many.
They still want me to go back there, I try to tell them I am dumb, that I don't belong in college, but they still want me to go back. That's the only way they look at my future. They don't ever realize that I don't need an answer to "what are you going to do with your life".
Everything at your house will be put on perpetual hold until another fight breaks out, just breaks between the fighting. Me and my parents are still fighting, I feel like they are sitting on me, the whole "this is my house" bullshit to the extreme.
I have all my favourite things in boxes in my room. All I ever worry about is getting kicked out, but at the same time I don't care about getting kicked out at all, it would be a relief. I am just trying to do what they ask, but it is impossible.
I can't get a job. I got fired from my last work because I had a back injury, and they fired me for not working, on my day off believe it or not.
I tried to explain everything to the owner at work, to my parents, to the court system, but they never want to "hear it" from me.
So my parent's answer to me not being able to find a job, is threatening to kick me out. My employers answer to my back ache is to fire me. The judges answer to me not answering her question, throw me in jail. She, do you have a job, I said no, she asks how do i support myself, I don't say anything waiting for a light to some on in her head. Then she asks if I am high and sends me away. Jail wasn't bad. Of course when I got out I had to abused by my parents, although I had done nothing wrong.
They can't just let things happen the way they are supposed to, it has to happen this certain way, or it won't work. I try to explain the way I think about it to them, namely my parents, but what I actually HAVE to say, doesn't seem to help at the time. I usually can't say anything at all. I don't even think it has any reason to it.
I can't get any peace at all. Fucking assholes. So unless you are a freakin' genious or have a rich uncle who likes you. You had better buy a gun, and a cell, and lots of ammo. And hope to god they drop the bomb soon.
|
020424
|
| |
... |
|
|
phil
|
that's about as horrific as I can make my story.
|
020424
|
| |
... |
|
|
yummychuckle
|
thanks phil (seriously). I'm glad someone else is as fed up as I am, although it would be a lot nicer of a world if nobody was, and I guess I shouldn't wish my position upon anyone. but i can sorta empathize.
i know as long as i live in this house I will just be waiting, everything is always on pause unless someone finally screams and starts another fight. all the nothing in betweeen each fight is just a big tension ridden void.
ugh.
|
020425
|
| |
... |
|
|
pipedream
|
*me gives everyone on this page a massive bear hug*
|
030520
|
