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kingsuperspecial
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hmmm...
pasted the wrong text.
for those who are interested, this is what I had intended to share:
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Just then, she told me "You're mean".
I kept on driving the car, wondering where the boundary was. Across the bridge, friends were waiting, with dinner and wine and laughing. Friends she didn't like, or at least didn't appreciate. Across the car, she scowled. For the past hour I had been repeatedly failing test after test, unable to produce new, even deeper levels of compliance to the tyranny of her whims. I had yet to learn that being supportive means to never disagree. I did not know I could never offer unsolicited advise, never criticize. The need was not for assistance, but instead for endurance. Withstand the abuse, and wait for the apology a few days later. In the months ahead this scene would play out again, always a surprise, the rational and intelligent lost, a breakdown into the world of implied guilt and unfounded accusations. Past words would be twisted, their intent change to something much darker and malicious, the new meaning so far from it's original context it baffled the imagination. All that lay before me. Tonight we sowed the seeds of an undoing, the first sign that could not be ignored. There was a cancer growing, and it meant the end of the world I was trying to build. The foundation was attacked, and once that stability was shaken, it was only a matter of time before nothing was left standing.
"No, I'm not mean" I replied, calmly pulling the car off the freeway. I took surface streets home, restraining the urge to stop the car, get out, and run. I would have ran without direction, hardly noticing the world around me, until my energy was gone. Then I would have ran more. Ran to act out my remorse, my inability, my failure. Ran until my heart pumped fire and my stomach emptied. Ran until the anger, frustration, and vulnerability were lost in a heavy, pulsing pain of exhaustion.
"Hope I never show you mean" I thought to myself, eyeing the damage, knowing that all that remained was the dismantling.
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020918
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