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lunatic jesus
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Misery loves company, or so the saying goes, but it just ain't true. Misery is a cold, lonely bastard that wants nothing more than to be left the fuck alone. When misery gets company, it just makes both parties much more miserable than either would've been alone.
No, what misery loves more than anything is the opportunity to piss someone else the fuck off, knowing it won't have to deal with it. Why, misery finds THAT downright therapeutic.
Yes, I'm that asshole.
So there's this point on this road on my way home where two lanes merge into one at a very inconvenient spot. Honestly, its just plain poor planning on the part of the highway department, but there you go.
Most everybody just queues up in one lane because merging doesn't work well. On the whole, its just more polite that way. Of course, this leaves a free shot open to those brazen enough to fly all the way to the tippy point of the merge and butt in line, as it were.
So, also by convention, if somewhat in defiance of the letter of the law, a lot of folks either straddle the line for the last hundred yards or so, or otherwise try to place their vehicles to discourage this behavior.
So a car comes up at about the last reasonable point to merge, and does the little wave and point "may I cut in" gesture. "Sure," I wave back. "Just hold there and I'll fall in behind you."
Only the truck behind HIM crawls right up on his bumper. Obviously, she's thinking she can use my courtesy to him to get herself that one carlength up on the world.
"Um, no." I wave to her. "Get thee behind me, wench." And, to stress my point, I angle the nose of my car towards my beneficiary's rear. Just subtly, politely indicating that I was going to shoulder her out.
Now, I'm not crowding her lane. Yet. And, to be fair, the road is marked in such a way that SHE is merging into MY lane. 'Tis her responsibility to find a suitable gap into which to merge, not mine to manufacture that gap... though I may if I choose, and I chose to do so for the car in FRONT of her.
So I've indicated, I've angled, politely at this point and still within my lane, and she responds by gunning the hell out of her engine, crowding the car in front of her even more, and shooting me the evil eye.
Well, fuck that. So I do crowd her lane. Close enough that, when she starts blaring her horn, flying the bird, and cussing at me about how "IT'S TWO FUCKING LANES RIGHT HERE!!" (a lane and a half, actually, but I digress), I responded by calmly reaching out, patting her fender, and giving her the tut tut finger waggle.
Now, I'm not miserable. It's been a mildly bad day, just hasn't been going my way, so Jesus Tapdancing Christ, I'm going to get my way on this - this one little thing - no matter how passive_agressively I have to pursue it.
But she is BENT! I mean, red-faced furious. About THIS?? That I'm not yielding to her whim in traffic? Sorry, lady, no cuts. You're not getting in here.
So SHE JUMPS THE CURB so she can wedge her fat ass, not just in front of me, but in front of the truck I was already letting in. Un-freaking-real.
So to you, red faced screaming banshee in the big SUV, yes, I am that asshole that wouldn't let you in. But YOU'RE the asshole that jumped a curb for want of a carlength.
And while you're red faced and furious about it, I gotta tell ya, I'm cracking up. I think this is the most ridiculously funny thing that's happened to me in weeks.
Misery. Pass it on.
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080806
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