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Risen
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I realised recently that I stopped listening to music when she went away.
It was a case of musical chair. One place, one person sitting. And me dancing around like a prat just to make her smile.
When_the_music_stopped I was out of luck, out of a chair, on the floor, gasping for breath. Clawing at my throat, trying to breathe. Trying to pick her out from between my rib bones and stich her ghost back together again.
For years she tortured me in my dreams, telling me I could never make things right. She hasn't been in my dreams for years, either. She left even those.
Where was I? The point gets lost. The days bleed together, and it is how many months now since I last went outside? I still sleep, though. You can take away everything else. Take away the friends and the music and the smiles and the ability to choose any life enriching things... but I still sleep. I just don't get the beautiful lie of the dreams anymore.
But I was talking about the music. There was this one album. I remember sitting on a train, grinning from ear to ear. Contact high. Every time I journeyed away from her, I would play exactly the same albumn, for almost a year.
Last night I set up a new media system, and I told it to be random. It was.
Oh, and when the music plays, I almost feel emotions. I almost feel the tug. I almost wonder what would have happened if I'd told her to go to hell and run off with the redhead instead. I almost wonder if she ever realised what the music was for. I almost thing it is worse to never dream.
But there is part in the corner of my brain... a piece of me which no amount of pain or torment can access. It has something stronger than a sword, and it has a plan to become good and pure, and helpful. But it hates the music... because the music is a reminder of what was lost. What I'm fighting for other people to get, but will never get myself.
Does that mean I've moved on from making myself a sterotypical brooding "dark side" "don't bring home to your parents" "bad influence" stereotype to a nice, quiet "eternally alone and brooding, but slightly lighter side, and less hurting people"?
Got to be a trade up, right?
Which is what i tell myself, over and over again.
Except, when that music played... there was another post entirely being written in my head.
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