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unhinged
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so i just wanted you all to know that i can't stop thinking about you. the closer the day gets the more it hurts me. i don't want to go. what about the time when i was drinking that big jug of orange stuff that had the vodka in it and everyone at the space that night was looking at me weird and then i went home and randi and bethann tackled me to the ground? or the time that i told natalie that i loved her? or the time at the plaza cafe when frank and mike realized that i was dying right there on the dance floor and frank hugged me afterwards and said 'you are a special human being. i love you.' what about that? what about the year i spent dying for her to love me? what about the time that god came to visit me or all the fights i got into with boys from sharon at the nyabinghi? or when we used to larp on johnnycake? or the time that me and kt sat outside and got high cause elvis was in the building making a christmas album for the people in his congregation? or the goofy way that he smiled and stuck out his tongue or his little rock 'n' roll face? or hanging out with adam? or the time that we went to the draught house and i felt like i had been welcomed into this secret society? i was shocked that night. all the shows at cedars and the plaza and the nyabinghi or even sadie renees or the odeon or the avenue. the avenue got shut down. the time when we were eating chips in the bathroom with cari. the crippled kid outside of cedars that tried to follow me home. the night that derek stood next to me for the entire show. over the years, how much i've grown to love you...i'm leaving my heroin_doll and just like i said, there are so many tiny little pieces. i'm scared. to leave my new family. to be on my own. there were times when youngstown seemed so surreal to me, like a movie. but i was sheltered in my little bubble. if i didn't have to do this, if i didn't have to leave, you know i would be with you dear. he tells me that no one knows how to party like youngstown. a few people have told me that actually. that no matter where you go, you will find youngstown. it was just starting to feel like home. what about the time when we were partying above paradise alley after a show and she almost got into a fistfight with frank and the other frank thought that me and her were together? that night was one of the many nights she broke my heart. what about how we used to sit in dennys like we owned the place cause we practically did? i remember when we shifted to the liberty dennys. it was never quite the same. or the time we drove all the way up to ashtabula to listen to them jam at the hippie house from hell? i guess i got the most out of my college years. so many memories, friends come and gone, my family away from my family. i finally found my peace in youngstown and then i had to leave. i guess that's the way it goes. the uncertainty of the future scares me. it was just starting to feel like home. maybe two years won't seem so long.
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