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andrea
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I can’t tell if all of these
encounters with ex-flames,
ex-lovers have resparked the
fire and created this inferno
in me or if all they have done
is reminded me that I have
loved, been loved, been hurt by
love. But it isn’t necessarily
the love that has caused an
ache in me-it’s the ever
present knowledge that I can
only love so much before I
must open myself up to let
their love enter my heart.
It’s so easy to blame my father-
the first man I ever loved, then
lost through no doing of my
own. It’s obvious that I’m fearful
it will always end like that.
Reasonless abandonment and
so in my mind I cast all men
with potential in my life as a
definite heartbreak. They’re going
to leave, so why don’t I leave
first-save myself the questioning.
Make it so I’m the only one to
blame, a self-fulfilled prophesy,
some would say. But I justify it as
simply being aware of my weak spot
and doing all I can to protect it.
copyright 2000
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000507
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