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werewolf
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sam wondered if maybe his friends were smart for preparing so enthusiastically and completely for their future, for the workplace and family life. this is what he thought they were implicitly doing caring so much about college entrance exams and grades and picking out lucrative hobbies and that and that. he couldn't really get into having a family or a regular job or babies or anything his dumbass dad used as the measuring block of a life's worth. but then again, what if what he had read everywhere was true, what if we are never as philisophical as we think, and we just incubate into regular life. we don't really ever have to conclude whether or not the sum of our experience makes continuing that experience worthwhile, because within us is a timed release of satisfaction with the commonly available human things. maybe it was true that those who didn't get to this point were aberrant and broken. so perhaps he would pop out of this shifting phase and once his thought factory was in order would start producing the thoughts everyone else did - get a job, plan for retirement, buy a house, have a family, take the kids to school, die with dignity. and if that was so, perhaps his friends were smarter than they let on, perhaps they were betting they'd end up there too even if they had the same outrageous thoughts he had now. even as he viewed them as foolish for buying into all of what he saw as bullshit, perhaps they viewed him as foolish for not seeing that this rage had nothing to do with actual perspective or wisdom but was just the ironing out of a pretty regular and predictable process which ended in the life they were busy preparing for. and then where would he be? sure he'd have tattoos and he'd know how much coke you could sniff in one night, but he'd see them with their children and their wives or husbands like sidecars on their arms, and he'd peer at them jealously. he'd be the weird uncle who dotes on other people's, on stranger's, children. he'd peer into passing strollers with the same eyes a stalker has when they pass in their car just past midnight the house and the bedroom window of their ex lover, hoping to somehow reconnect even within themselves with what they gave up, with what was taken from them, whether by their hand or not.
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040521
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