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god
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this certified as having been certainly certain to be the one true grail of all fabled media expression. a honest-to-god transcription of the words of the one true lobster queen in unabridged and unexpergated form.
begin transmission---------------------
...hmmmm...ahem..*cough*...
my dear people of the empire of the sacred shimp of newgoonway, please hear my plea...
i have, for seventeen years, kept a very dark and sinister secret that i can no longer bear to leave unspoken.
seventeen years ago, i was a debutante lobster princess with my feelers in the clouds and my claws around the world's testicles.
back then i thought i was invincible. i could have anything i wanted, and i took it whenever i pleased. one day, those seventeen years ago, i happened upon some moose droppings in the forest. i felt that they were warm, and knew a moose must be nearby. i pulled out my moose call and proceeded to draw her towards me. soon i stood face to face with a marvelously huge specimen of a girl moose. she sighed and winnied and stomped her foot and said, "you wanna go get a sandwich, eh?" i (knowing that girl mooses always kept large amouts of money on fridays (girl moose payday)), and wanting a nice drippy reuben, said, "sure."
we set out for the iron skillet down the road. about four blocks into our walk, i drag her into an alley, beat her bloody senseless, take her money, and proceed to go on a five day crack binge with duane allman (on tour and back again with cher. who would've guessed??).
i hope my loyal subjects forgive my youthful indiscretion.
been nice knowin ya'
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020815
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