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today_i_realized
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mahayana
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that my emotions are something to be ashamed of and that by expressing them this somehow makes me "crazy"
crying doesn't make me crazy
being sad doesn't make me crazy
feeling manipulated & lied to
doesn't make me crazy
i'm sorry you have a hard time internalizing how you have wounded me,
you say you get it but i don't think you do
im sorry that i am not quite over it yet, but that too doesn't make me crazy
i showed you such compassion in your time of need. where is yours?
i myself am not a saint. ill be the first to freely admit this. i am replete with flaws. but today i realized that i don't recognize your heart anymore.
i feel so bad
so rejected
so foolish
so ... so unimportant
i feel so alone
so terribly alone
& wrong for ever having
shared my feelings
my heart feels so bad
just so bad
there is no other way to say it
[i will never ever make anyone else feel ashamed or wrong for expressing how they feel to me. even though i am completely floored by this experience i will walk away a better person from it]
i don't ever want to make *anyone* feel the way that i do right now.
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090306
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unhinged
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quiet_realizations
did you mean to say:
'that my emotions are NOT something to be ashamed of and that by expressing them this somehow makes me "crazy" ' ?
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090306
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mahayana
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sorry for the confusion unhinged,
but the way it is ... was actually what i meant to say. perhaps i didn't compose this as sensibly as i normally would. my mind was still reeling with thoughts & distracting questions.
the first paragraph is me saying that i learned from someone today that im "crazy" because i have emotions and i expressed them. basically i was called crazy because i am still not over the fact that i was hurt by a certain situation. the person that hurt me of course was the one calling me crazy. i think she just had a hard time fully accepting the fact that her actions wounded me deeper than perhaps she would care to admit or realize. perhaps a sort of self defensive mechanism kicked in and she felt the need to attack me by calling me "crazy"?
the second paragraph is me refuting what was trying to be placed upon me. it was me saying NO! i am not crazy because i cry and feel ... etc.
[but thanks for pointing out a potential omission that i might have made unhinged - i sure do appreciate it hun] :)
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090307
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unhinged
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he said he wouldn't date me because i was too 'crazy' and then turned around and dated a hoochie hood rat who just wanted a baby daddy and ensnared him in the most insidious and ugly ways. i just wanted to love him. *shrugs*
i still don't think i've forgiven him for that. then add on all the other little insults over the years and i'm just a seething mess.
i sat today. i do some breathing meditation, some tonglen , and then i recite this set of verses i've come across a few times (not sure what it's officially called) and chant a mala of om_mani_padme_hum in between each verse. during my breathing meditation today, i realized that what he did to me was like a child of anger growing inside me for the past nine months and as soon as i thought that, i also thought maybe it was time to let_it_go ; to birth the child, to get it out of me. and something in my mind, heart loosened as i thought the words ' let_go ' the strings of my anger snapped and i could feel love getting in places that had been closed off by it. healed. at least starting to be. i avoided meditation for a long time. i think because i knew it would heal me and my reflex was still to build walls and let my anger grow inside them.
i got to the verse:
'when i see beings of wicked nature,
oppressed by violent misdeeds and afflictions,
may i hold them dear
as if i had found a rare and precious treasure'
the tears came during the accompanying mala
like they usually do
and i had to stop
choked
and let the tears fall
i am ready to let_go
of what he did to me
i am even ready to forgive him
and even hope that his suffering can end
for him and everyone he inflicts it on
because i am tired of crying
and keeping my heart in the box
he made for it
bitter_and_hard
if i feel the impulse to be nice to people
i should
i should not let the selfish thought
'but you know they won't be nice in return'
stop me from making someone smile
maybe it is the people who are not nice in return
that need it the most
my heart is like a raw nerve
after my meditation today
i wasn't ready for this
until now
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090307
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unhinged
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(sorry sass; i was just a little confused when i first read your post, but after your explanation it made sense. not trying to put words in your mouth.
when he told me he wouldn't date me because i was crazy it hurt me more than a lot of things that have happened in my life. that he judged me that way when he barely even knew the slightest scratch in the surface of what has made me who i am; the dismissal of the way he said it. yes, i think that is what hurts me the most with a lot of people. the way they trivialize and dismiss me, move on to the next thing when i no longer serve their purposes. *sigh*)
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090307
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ungreat
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that i might be late...
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090307
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unhinged
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i've realized that before and it's a shitty realization. hasn't amounted to much yet. maybe it's from stress...
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090307
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unhinged
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i haven't cried a single tear in over a month. i think he might be a keeper.
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090710
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