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unhinged
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one of the only advantages to private teaching is being able to teach all ages, to not be locked into one phase of human development as a teacher
over the years i have developed friendships with my adult students. even though i left wisconsin almost a decade ago i still text one of my former students there.
currently, i have an adult student that is going through seismic revelations about himself and we have been talking instead of playing together. our conversations have revealed things to me about myself, have brought me some peace about my own identity conflicts. it is not an exaggeration; being a teacher has made me a better person. so many educators say this that it sounds cliche at this point but it is a very real side effect of the job if you are doing it correctly. being a vessel for my students lets me see the human condition in a more universal way. it makes me more comfortable in my own humanness...as a person born with anxiety, a child with panic attacks, i am sensitive to the point of trembling jumpy shaking. i have always worried that my very beingness offended the people around me. teaching has given me confidence in my own awesomeness which in turn has calmed my raging anxieties.
but elucidating to someone else what bisexuality is to me and how i have expressed it (or not) over the past twenty years has shifted and moved and aligned things in me.
i am bisexual because i do not want to discriminate based on gender in my search to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. i have been traumatized by men which may have made me more receptive to the idea of women sexually but i have always been attracted to women's bodies since before any sexual violence was ever perpetrated against me. i am monogamous. i don't like threesomes. i want to be devoted to one person and want them to be able to stay with me no matter what crazy shit i do or say. i feel like i exist on a purgatory on the sexual spectrum. men have demanded that i not date women directly after them. people have told me i am just greedy. (greedy for wanting to be pair bonded monogamously to a person...?) basically, i need to choose a side. the fact that i am a janus when it comes to relationships unsettles people. because i guess i need to be on a clear team. and somehow the team of humanity is not a clear team. my independence intimidates men. my clear and present heart scares women. purgatory. pretendo 'bicurious' drunk girls capture my heart faster than any athlete or rock star ever could. i tend to swallow my homosexual feelings because i have been used by said drunk girls to play stupid boys. either way i play, i can't stand being used.
decades of evasion, 'friendship' and being a novelty attraction on many people's paths to marriage and parenthood i want to hide myself from any current entanglement (but i keep throwing myself into entanglements anyways)
be gentle with yourself. finding the truth should never ever ever be a source of guilt or blame.
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190730
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