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Farool
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This sucks. It's as simple as that. And we're falling. And I'm the worst fucking hypocrite in the world. Look at this, this is completely fucking parallel with what happened before. Here's how it worked last time, I met Kayla, we were comfy. We were really comfy. It rocked. She got close, I got scared and pushed her away. She got sad. She was a friend so I tried to cheer her up, one sided relationship. After a point I admited to myself that I didn't love her and I just left her. Here's how it's working with you, mon amie, I met you, and in an instant fell in love. You didn't feel the same way. You didn't tell me because you didn't want to hurt me, and you liked the comfiness. Eventually I snuggled too close and you pushed away. It hurt, I hurt. You didn't want me to be hurt, because hey, that's what friends are for. I want to get close again, that'll make you push away again. I can't make you love me. It's not your fault that you don't love me. I have to do things differently from how she did them. But it seems to be the exact fucking same thing. Everything, it's so similar. Everything that she did isn't seeming moral or anything, I just see where she's coming from, and that scares the everloving bajeezus out of me. But I was also on the other side before. I know what it's like. And I don't want to end up as some kid that smiles at you in the hall creepily, or obsesses over you in his livejournal, or any of the other things that Kayla did to me or any of those things those crazy people you've been with do to you. I think I know what you're feeling. I really do. But I also remember that Kayla thought she was some divine god, and could see through things, which was just her hugely inflated ego. So maybe this is that. Maybe I'm doomed. I don't want to be doomed. FUCK! I don't want to make it sound like it's going to go bad because Kayla did that to scare me away from leaving her. I don't want to control you. I don't want to be controlled. Am I aggressive passive? Am I really that . . . screwed up? NO! I can't complain about myself either. Kayla did that constantly to get fucking pity. No I can't. So I'll let you make the choice, please be nice. FUCK NO! Thats almost fucking VERBATIM of what she said to me. How she gave me the illusion of choice while shoving her tongue down my throat. So let's talk about this in person. GODFUCKINGHELL! We can't do that, Kayla did that to me because she knew that when I was around her I felt decent, she boosted my ego that little bit. But as soon as things got uncomfy. I spoke my mind. And I said things like 'I don't think I love you like you love me' and she cried and ran away. And I felt like that was right. So when she came fucking back I told her it was just my anger. It sounds similar to the_corner_at_ten. But drawing lines between me and Kayla is passive aggressively trying to force you to do something! So I can't be bitter. I also can't be happy, why? Because I don't like to lie to you. Don't take that wrong, please, that wasn't some biting sarcastic 'what a bitch' thing, no, no no, that was me saying that I don't lie to you. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! She said the same thing to me, it was so clear what she was doing and she was so oblivious. Is this what she was feeling? Is this that fucking bad feeling? NO! I can't be sad, I don't want your pity. But saying that you don't want someone's pity is a lie, because you wouldn't bring it up in the first place. Goddamnit. I'm so scared. NO! She did that to me, the 'Help me, I'm scared' thing, and my sympathy kicked in and I was nice to her. She would lie through her teeth until they fell out for me. Sound kinda like something? Yeah, I'm too attatched to you. That's something that Kayla didn't say, and that gives me a small little feeling of fuzziness. She never admitted that SHE had a problem. Kendra, I'm blind, tell me, bluntly, what's wrong with me? I see so many things, but what's the root of the problem? I'm pretty sure it's not love, because, hey, it's kinda the point of living (Another thing, Kayla became irrationaly optimistic when this started) I'm obsessing. I can actually feel it. I'm so fucking GAH! You know another little thing? When me and Kayla were comfy I let her into my clique. She made a bunch of friends. She kept those friends and left me out on my ass. She even went out with one of those people I introduced her to. And then, almost a year later, she tells me that she loved me. Wow. Thanks. But no, I can't say "Wow. Thanks." because that's the bitchy passive aggressive thing to do. I'm actually counting down the time until Chez tells me exactly what she told Kayla about me 'Let the fuck go! He doesn't want you!' and I'm paranoid, that's a fact. So this is unfounded. This is just things that I've been noticing. Another similarity, I've recently started writing you e-mails when you're not online. I've also been waiting for you online. Not a healthy habit. I tried to avoid Kayla at all costs. And I can't promise that I won't be hurt, but I understand why you would want that to happen. Another Kayla-ism. Acting like you understand so you can get closer. GODDAMNIT! I'm so fucking trapped, I'm running around in a circle I've been here before. I don't want to do anything! I have experience! This shouldn't be happening. I love you, please god, why can't I just love her in peace?
Another thing, and this is not meant in a passive aggressive way, 'Je_t_aime' is scary because it's vulnerable. It's like 'I love you.' We've both been lied to so many fucking times with those three words that we just didn't/don't trust them when in that little three word sentance. So we found something for us, and only us. It was 'Je t'aime' and it sounded beautiful (another Kayla-ism, calling things beautiful constantly when trying to grovel) What do we have that me and Kayla didn't have? What can we use? I'm so scared, mon amie. I'm doing all of these sub-consciously, and noticing them as I'm typing. I'm scared to breathe because Kayla has done it before. She's pretty fucking scared. Oh yeah, another thing, Kayla told me all of these random things on her mind, just so I'd open up to her. Don't open up to me. Damnit. I'm running in fucking circles, and every time I realize that I'm in the circle it shrinks, I've been here before, but it was different before.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Kayla became more and more emo as we grew distant. She started to dig for pity in every way. She pulled the emo thing off at school. Now I feel like I can't frown. Oh yeah, the main way that Kayla kept us together was using things from when we first met, jokes that were nostalgiac from comfy days, and were reassuring to tell. She'd mention little made up words that we'd made when things were good. Bring up inside jokes. Any of that. Now it looks like I can't make you laugh. Kayla did every wrong thing possible, but did she do anything right? I have no idea what to do. I can ask for your advice. For your open mind. I can ask you to slap me whenever I say something I don't mean. I can ask you to . . . fuck. I'm so sad. I'm so hypocritical. I'm such a fucking selfish ass. Just like Kayla, low self esteem means pity means together! Goddamnit, I can't frown. Oh yeah, I really don't want to scare you, but she used self-mutilation to scare me back to her. Don't worry about me. I've been fantasizing about punching a brick wall, but nothing that is scary. There's no right way! Which was Kayla's justification for choosing the wrong way.
I'm scared to tell you I love you, but just between me you and everyone on blather, je t'aime.
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051217
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